He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
so let's talk penis.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We are two peas in an std pod
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
this will be a night to untag.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
areolas are like halos for boobs.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?