She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm fucking your sister right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
... don't judge me
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Wipe that smile off your face.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice