i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
