Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Actions speak louder than pants.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
it glows. i had to have it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dignity is for republicans.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you will always have a special place in my vag
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.