She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
