Texts From Last Night · budmanIX's Favorites

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budmanIX's Favorites Texts:

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(903): View more from Texas

Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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(512): View more from Texas

I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.

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(928): View more from Arizona

No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.

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(914): View more from New York

Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off

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(518): View more from New York

I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?

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(207): View more from Maine

I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?

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(207): View more from Maine

someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?

(1-207): View more from Maine

since 2006

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(951): View more from California

Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.

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(630): View more from Illinois

oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us

(1-630): View more from Illinois

fair point

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

(850): View more from Florida

wtf?

(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm going back tonight

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(352): View more from Florida

You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I have got to meet this girl.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.

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(641): View more from Iowa

What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.

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(518): View more from New York

I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.

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(775): View more from Nevada

She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore

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(513): View more from Ohio

Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(518): View more from New York

#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(360): View more from Washington

I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way

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(217): View more from Illinois

While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.

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(928): View more from Arizona

its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?

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(316): View more from Kansas

This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.

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(530): View more from California

She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?

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(404): View more from Georgia

He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.

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(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both

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(716): View more from New York

Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet

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(631): View more from New York

We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts

(1-631): View more from New York

Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums

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(903): View more from Texas

This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.

(254): View more from Texas

Jealous?

(903): View more from Texas

Very.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(519): View more from Ontario

You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.

(515): View more from Iowa

That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.

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(972): View more from Texas

Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult

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(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.

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(517): View more from Michigan

This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

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(847): View more from Illinois

If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think

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(775): View more from Nevada

She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.

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(559): View more from California

And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Threesome in a minivan. New low

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.

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(513): View more from Ohio

This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.

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(916): View more from California

God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(201): View more from New Jersey

what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.

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(845): View more from New York

Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Please, let me fuck your mom

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(419): View more from Ohio

You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.

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(770): View more from Georgia

i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go

(860): View more from Connecticut

Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

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(253): View more from Washington

she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.

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(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

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(915): View more from Texas

In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything

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(773): View more from Illinois

No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?

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(816): View more from Missouri

i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino

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(816): View more from Missouri

no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.

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(330): View more from Ohio

No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.

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(443): View more from Maryland

If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.

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(310): View more from California

Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?

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(565): View more from

It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.

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(850): View more from Florida

No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....

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(402): View more from Nebraska

My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.

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(647): View more from Ontario

My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?

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(520): View more from Arizona

Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck

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(586): View more from Michigan

the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable

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(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.

(845): View more from New York

Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.

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(516): View more from New York

I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book

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(646): View more from New York

Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.

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(212): View more from New York

Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.

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(903): View more from Texas

Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now

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(248): View more from Michigan

Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(614): View more from Ohio

lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.

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(434): View more from Virginia

A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!

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(530): View more from California

Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it

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(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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(818): View more from California

That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"

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(713): View more from Texas

His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.

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(917): View more from New York City

And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body

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(707): View more from California

I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny

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(708): View more from Illinois

We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"

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(863): View more from Florida

I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.

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(315): View more from New York

I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do

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(727): View more from Florida

I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable

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(619): View more from California

We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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(214): View more from Texas

Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.

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(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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(425): View more from Washington

Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?

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(850): View more from Florida

If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(469): View more from Texas

on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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(573): View more from Missouri

There's always time for handjobs

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(631): View more from New York

Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's never too late to be topless.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck

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(219): View more from Indiana

ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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(917): View more from New York City

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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(410): View more from Maryland

guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

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(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

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(907): View more from Alaska

the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death

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(813): View more from Florida

watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...

(863): View more from Florida

Can I come live with you?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..

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(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I love having hate sex.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.

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(256): View more from Alabama

FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex

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(281): View more from Texas

i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.

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(419): View more from Ohio

doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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(205): View more from Alabama

He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(512): View more from Texas

Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.

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(765): View more from Indiana

We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?

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(559): View more from California

He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."

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(810): View more from Michigan

So drunk its hurt

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(812): View more from Indiana

The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age

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(518): View more from New York

our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.

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(360): View more from Washington

Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".

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(229): View more from Georgia

They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(860): View more from Connecticut

isnt it creepy that our bodies make people

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(845): View more from New York

well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.

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(630): View more from Illinois

At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us

(847): View more from Illinois

You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.

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(315): View more from New York

The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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(718): View more from New York

We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.

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(905): View more from Ontario

they call him Oral-B. enough said

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(970): View more from Colorado

I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.

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(858): View more from California

She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.

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(954): View more from Florida

I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.

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(817): View more from Texas

He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

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(415): View more from California

Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?

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(416): View more from Toronto

We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.

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(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

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(231): View more from Michigan

Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.

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(406): View more from Montana

Drunk walkin through police station. America

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring

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(512): View more from Texas

Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.

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(415): View more from California

Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point

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(423): View more from Tennessee

This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Chalk up having sex in a car wash.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.

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(682): View more from Texas

I plan on gettn treatment center drunk

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(323): View more from California

When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(631): View more from New York

At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"

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(813): View more from Florida

Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.

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(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.

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(850): View more from Florida

I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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(386): View more from Florida

I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

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(713): View more from Texas

Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

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(858): View more from California

We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

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(815): View more from Illinois

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out

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(903): View more from Texas

One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.

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(626): View more from California

I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail

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(757): View more from Virginia

Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.

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(205): View more from Alabama

the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(214): View more from Texas

I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If i need to get strippers involved i will.

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(415): View more from California

It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood

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(314): View more from Missouri

It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

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(619): View more from California

i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Girls should come with a carfax report

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better

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(415): View more from California

sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested

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(602): View more from Arizona

Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day

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(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

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(813): View more from Florida

One blow job doesn not make me gay.

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(407): View more from Florida

This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(815): View more from Illinois

The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.

(928): View more from Arizona

wow.

(815): View more from Illinois

But it's a REALLY good back rub.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(917): View more from New York City

was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?

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(360): View more from Washington

She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun

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(573): View more from Missouri

Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it

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(518): View more from New York

bad decision saturdays are such a good decision

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(856): View more from New Jersey

dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge

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(678): View more from Georgia

She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.

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(207): View more from Maine

Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.

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(206): View more from Washington

My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.

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(909): View more from California

Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???

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(650): View more from California

I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.

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(305): View more from Florida

Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(561): View more from Florida

i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM

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(562): View more from California

I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...

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