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Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This baby is an asshole
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Im just a social blackout drinker.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
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