there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Walk of Shame today included voting.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
it glows. i had to have it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole