Texts From Last Night · zachypoo62's Favorites

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(618): View more from Illinois

apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.

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(770): View more from Georgia

i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before

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(720): View more from Colorado

I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.

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(845): View more from New York

I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(269): View more from Michigan

So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"

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(817): View more from Texas

90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus

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(435): View more from Utah

She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

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(404): View more from Georgia

he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(778): View more from British Columbia

No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge

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(512): View more from Texas

She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!

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(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?

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(970): View more from Colorado

let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot

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(503): View more from Oregon

She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.

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(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(347): View more from New York

We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"

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(+82): View more from South Korea

You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?

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(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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(913): View more from Kansas

he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(207): View more from Maine

so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.

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(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(619): View more from California

woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.

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(416): View more from Toronto

We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(754): View more from Florida

you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..

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(772): View more from Florida

remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(315): View more from New York

So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

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(631): View more from New York

I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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(251): View more from Alabama

As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.

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(863): View more from Florida

I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

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(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(817): View more from Texas

just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

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(330): View more from Ohio

Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

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(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.

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(541): View more from Oregon

i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(574): View more from Indiana

You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

(910): View more from North Carolina

succeeding

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(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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(613): View more from Ontario

Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom

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(904): View more from Florida

Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea

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(214): View more from Texas

bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.

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(303): View more from Colorado

maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...

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(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

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(503): View more from Oregon

Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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(913): View more from Kansas

I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

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(330): View more from Ohio

i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels

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(727): View more from Florida

I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(914): View more from New York

yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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(937): View more from Ohio

someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.

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(540): View more from Virginia

just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping

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(315): View more from New York

The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day

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(858): View more from California

There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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(561): View more from Florida

george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(229): View more from Georgia

please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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(914): View more from New York

I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(631): View more from New York

He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

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(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(402): View more from Nebraska

consequently i now know what mace tastes like

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(509): View more from Washington

Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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(289): View more from Ontario

I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(614): View more from Ohio

i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.

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(631): View more from New York

I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone

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(225): View more from Louisiana

How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(418): View more from Quebec

I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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(606): View more from Kentucky

how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.

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(773): View more from Illinois

well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".

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(513): View more from Ohio

They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Right after we had the just friends talk..

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(502): View more from Kentucky

bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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(254): View more from Texas

our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

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(239): View more from Florida

just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

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(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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(845): View more from New York

As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(630): View more from Illinois

my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.

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(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

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(805): View more from California

my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!

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(616): View more from Michigan

This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.

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(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

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(613): View more from Ontario

You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(845): View more from New York

don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You know how to spell recollection?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together

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(647): View more from Ontario

You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep

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(205): View more from Alabama

just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(561): View more from Florida

i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today

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(914): View more from New York

i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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(804): View more from Virginia

don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804): View more from Virginia

couldn't find a condom?

(804): View more from Virginia

basically

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(517): View more from Michigan

just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.

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(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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(301): View more from Maryland

All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(818): View more from California

Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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(713): View more from Texas

this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy

(1-713): View more from Texas

well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"

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(956): View more from Texas

is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

(210): View more from Texas

no

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.

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(248): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(303): View more from Colorado

True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

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(417): View more from Missouri

And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?

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(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

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(802): View more from Vermont

Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.

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(972): View more from Texas

like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys

(214): View more from Texas

I hope to god you are high

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(310): View more from California

and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

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