Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
