So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Are my feet made of real feet?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.