Texts From Last Night · treywoodard's Favorites

treywoodard's Favorites Texts:

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(631): View more from New York

youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...

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(316): View more from Kansas

Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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(512): View more from Texas

Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus

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(251): View more from Alabama

He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician

(919): View more from North Carolina

3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.

(254): View more from Texas

He's majoring in Religion

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.

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(559): View more from California

Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.

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(636): View more from Missouri

If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies

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(904): View more from Florida

Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.

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(631): View more from New York

figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket

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(248): View more from Michigan

We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.

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(407): View more from Florida

A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke

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(571): View more from Virginia

FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?

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(410): View more from Maryland

How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car

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(330): View more from Ohio

I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child

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(845): View more from New York

No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.

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(559): View more from California

there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.

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(406): View more from Montana

My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything

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(818): View more from California

Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.

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(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone

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(626): View more from California

I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner

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(248): View more from Michigan

we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why is there bacon braided in my hair

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(208): View more from Idaho

drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face

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(337): View more from Louisiana

After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets

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(330): View more from Ohio

I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.

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(214): View more from Texas

Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell

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(850): View more from Florida

He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.

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(360): View more from Washington

i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship

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(250): View more from British Columbia

SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.

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(+61): View more from Australia

can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room

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(802): View more from Vermont

lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.

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(269): View more from Michigan

quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying

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(605): View more from South Dakota

They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?

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(905): View more from Ontario

She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her

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(941): View more from Florida

Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk

(813): View more from Florida

Crosswalk actually

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake

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(916): View more from California

Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.

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(941): View more from Florida

Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?

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(210): View more from Texas

Road construction signs are deceptively heavy

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(530): View more from California

I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.

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(+84): View more from

The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white

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(502): View more from Kentucky

They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.

(808): View more from Hawaii

oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to

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(256): View more from Alabama

The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.

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(817): View more from Texas

So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.

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(323): View more from California

Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.

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(845): View more from New York

Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen

(845): View more from New York

That would be so convenient

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(905): View more from Ontario

We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"

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(334): View more from Alabama

Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.

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(760): View more from California

Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.

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(229): View more from Georgia

No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry

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(757): View more from Virginia

broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?

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(206): View more from Washington

Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

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(903): View more from Texas

Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.

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(416): View more from Toronto

When did you hit me on the head with a stool?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

On my way to the DMV to get arrested

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(509): View more from Washington

There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.

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(269): View more from Michigan

No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.

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(303): View more from Colorado

What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.

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(772): View more from Florida

Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.

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(585): View more from New York

they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

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(716): View more from New York

IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.

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(937): View more from Ohio

A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.

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(623): View more from Arizona

We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(916): View more from California

let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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(815): View more from Illinois

Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.

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(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

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(619): View more from California

I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.

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(530): View more from California

i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome

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(720): View more from Colorado

Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree

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(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

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(818): View more from California

That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

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(334): View more from Alabama

A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.

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(725): View more from

well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.

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(323): View more from California

He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated

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(845): View more from New York

Did you bedazzle the elevator?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50

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(505): View more from New Mexico

They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.

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(940): View more from Texas

Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.

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(510): View more from California

In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...

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(778): View more from British Columbia

some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.

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(515): View more from Iowa

IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.

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(509): View more from Washington

I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.

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(313): View more from Michigan

At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

ttyl tear gas

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(407): View more from Florida

There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!

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(703): View more from Virginia

I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.

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(773): View more from Illinois

btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."

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(630): View more from Illinois

Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?

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(618): View more from Illinois

This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?

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(210): View more from Texas

A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.

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(419): View more from Ohio

The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan

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(775): View more from Nevada

Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside

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(860): View more from Connecticut

its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.

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(757): View more from Virginia

they won't let me drive with my sombrero

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(949): View more from California

Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.

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(713): View more from Texas

Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

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(516): View more from New York

I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.

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(727): View more from Florida

found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

and you succeeded.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?

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(760): View more from California

running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.

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(530): View more from California

Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.

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(661): View more from California

i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean

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(443): View more from Maryland

we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.

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(562): View more from California

He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome

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(316): View more from Kansas

Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.

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(925): View more from California

Did we literally take a cab across the street

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(314): View more from Missouri

You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard

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(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers

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(517): View more from Michigan

Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

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(989): View more from Michigan

his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.

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(708): View more from Illinois

there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again

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(518): View more from New York

I want a grilled cheese and an IV

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life

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(914): View more from New York

I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out

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(704): View more from North Carolina

And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.

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(562): View more from California

My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.

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(718): View more from New York

knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.

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(425): View more from Washington

Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

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(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in

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(907): View more from Alaska

You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.

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(713): View more from Texas

I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.

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(913): View more from Kansas

did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(816): View more from Missouri

They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives

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(254): View more from Texas

Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.

(254): View more from Texas

Tornado warnings are fun!

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times

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(203): View more from Connecticut

THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER

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(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(818): View more from California

The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...

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(309): View more from Illinois

they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.

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(425): View more from Washington

She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.

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(863): View more from Florida

oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

oh my god i'm in a crawl space

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(727): View more from Florida

Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.

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(815): View more from Illinois

There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.

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(239): View more from Florida

I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit

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(727): View more from Florida

its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?

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(925): View more from California

Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.

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(407): View more from Florida

Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?

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(518): View more from New York

The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.

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(678): View more from Georgia

thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?

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(618): View more from Illinois

Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(317): View more from Indiana

They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(954): View more from Florida

Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.

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(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.

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(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com

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(314): View more from Missouri

I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.

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(702): View more from Nevada

they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

on my way.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just invented taco cereal.

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(940): View more from Texas

I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.

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(512): View more from Texas

They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?

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(810): View more from Michigan

Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words

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(513): View more from Ohio

Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.

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(813): View more from Florida

thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not

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(714): View more from California

The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze

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(256): View more from Alabama

Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed

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(817): View more from Texas

Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.

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(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie

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(915): View more from Texas

everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id

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(408): View more from California

Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

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(310): View more from California

we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(703): View more from Virginia

exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?

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(713): View more from Texas

The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.

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(804): View more from Virginia

If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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(727): View more from Florida

And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan

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(214): View more from Texas

So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on

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(310): View more from California

She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

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(251): View more from Alabama

I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(519): View more from Ontario

Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..

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(815): View more from Illinois

If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again

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(727): View more from Florida

did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(516): View more from New York

what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon

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(619): View more from California

FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??

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(214): View more from Texas

Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom

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(510): View more from California

After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.

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(513): View more from Ohio

do you believe in love at first sight?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

awwwwww =)

(513): View more from Ohio

yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.

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(831): View more from California

I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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(719): View more from Colorado

getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.

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(239): View more from Florida

MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.

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(812): View more from Indiana

So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant

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(705): View more from Ontario

I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(909): View more from California

My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.

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(917): View more from New York City

Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.

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(727): View more from Florida

I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?

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(705): View more from Ontario

What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking

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(519): View more from Ontario

ambylanc

(1-519): View more from Ontario

what?

(519): View more from Ontario

there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.

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(510): View more from California

speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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(650): View more from California

at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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(214): View more from Texas

Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?

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(915): View more from Texas

and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

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(515): View more from Iowa

We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...

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(845): View more from New York

Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands

(845): View more from New York

i made a dollar

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(707): View more from California

You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.

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(801): View more from Utah

Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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(773): View more from Illinois

What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

they're like a gay fantastic four

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(847): View more from Illinois

worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(573): View more from Missouri

I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.

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(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony

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(815): View more from Illinois

He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.

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(561): View more from Florida

I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

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(305): View more from Florida

We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.

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(817): View more from Texas

He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".

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(406): View more from Montana

He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

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(207): View more from Maine

I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

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(305): View more from Florida

The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

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(443): View more from Maryland

and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp

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(678): View more from Georgia

I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom

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(613): View more from Ontario

Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...

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(941): View more from Florida

Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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(301): View more from Maryland

Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol

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(231): View more from Michigan

the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience

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(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think we should have started that trash fire

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(707): View more from California

Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.

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(458): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(530): View more from California

And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?

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(253): View more from Washington

I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.

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(949): View more from California

he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"

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(858): View more from California

the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.

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(618): View more from Illinois

This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.

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(773): View more from Illinois

the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu

(773): View more from Illinois

which is why it's clearly superior

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....

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(954): View more from Florida

FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

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(210): View more from Texas

If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day

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(206): View more from Washington

Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What does that mean?

(248): View more from Michigan

How when the cu k dos I yet u

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Focus

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(561): View more from Florida

I am going to give you the keys to my place

(1-561): View more from Florida

Then I'll give you the keys to my heart

(561): View more from Florida

Gag me

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(518): View more from New York

plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.

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(516): View more from New York

Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.

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(330): View more from Ohio

what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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(818): View more from California

Jake died.

(310): View more from California

WTF????????? That's how you tell me????

(818): View more from California

Oops typo. Jake cried.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."

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(281): View more from Texas

and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

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(239): View more from Florida

gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.

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(815): View more from Illinois

u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club

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(585): View more from New York

yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds

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(410): View more from Maryland

forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dave a horae rider a coqw boy

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(443): View more from Maryland

where are you?

(240): View more from Maryland

Hypothermia

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(614): View more from Ohio

just got booed by the entire restaurant.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

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(914): View more from New York

Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?

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(319): View more from Iowa

Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.

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(310): View more from California

only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man

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(858): View more from California

I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius

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(817): View more from Texas

She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(817): View more from Texas

In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(440): View more from Ohio

basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

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(770): View more from Georgia

No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(520): View more from Arizona

I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.

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(972): View more from Texas

**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox

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(813): View more from Florida

the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.

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(619): View more from California

surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.

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(646): View more from New York

All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there

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(763): View more from Minnesota

After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already

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(217): View more from Illinois

I will never swim in a flooded basement again..

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.

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(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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(979): View more from Texas

She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.

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(970): View more from Colorado

she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR

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(708): View more from Illinois

This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll

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(303): View more from Colorado

I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.

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(347): View more from New York

The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09

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(647): View more from Ontario

Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

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(905): View more from Ontario

something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance

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(703): View more from Virginia

If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?

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(309): View more from Illinois

Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?

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(254): View more from Texas

Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.

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(917): View more from New York City

They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.

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(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!

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(818): View more from California

...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.

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