The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.