Texts From Last Night · MjBaby13's Favorites

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MjBaby13's Favorites Texts:

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(805): View more from California

I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(585): View more from New York

remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.

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(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

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(807): View more from Ontario

I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(719): View more from Colorado

No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.

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(347): View more from New York

He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.

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(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.

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(916): View more from California

No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Some one left their pants in the elevator.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i think the doormans mad at me

(773): View more from Illinois

well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(515): View more from Iowa

the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(234): View more from Ohio

If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.

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(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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(757): View more from Virginia

Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'

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(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(573): View more from Missouri

She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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(713): View more from Texas

Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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(618): View more from Illinois

lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.

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(708): View more from Illinois

bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

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(619): View more from California

on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.

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(909): View more from California

Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(513): View more from Ohio

he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old

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(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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(503): View more from Oregon

I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

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(954): View more from Florida

I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

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(210): View more from Texas

so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....

(512): View more from Texas

oh shit that had to have been awkward

(210): View more from Texas

i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand

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(602): View more from Arizona

i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?

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(512): View more from Texas

Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.

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(770): View more from Georgia

FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot

(770): View more from Georgia

Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"

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(503): View more from Oregon

jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ

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(407): View more from Florida

you definitely have a few illegitimate kids

(1-407): View more from Florida

probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how

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(607): View more from New York

went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

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(214): View more from Texas

Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.

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(989): View more from Michigan

you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(303): View more from Colorado

They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool

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(865): View more from Tennessee

all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

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(817): View more from Texas

Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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(512): View more from Texas

hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?

(1-512): View more from Texas

yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(386): View more from Florida

Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.

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(519): View more from Ontario

ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.

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(313): View more from Michigan

My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(361): View more from Texas

She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.

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(425): View more from Washington

i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(660): View more from Missouri

i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from

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(303): View more from Colorado

We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(703): View more from Virginia

relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks

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(216): View more from Ohio

ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

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(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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(727): View more from Florida

the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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(626): View more from California

you didnt know i had herpes?

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay

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(636): View more from Missouri

The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

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(303): View more from Colorado

so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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(630): View more from Illinois

And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."

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(317): View more from Indiana

Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(406): View more from Montana

I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"

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(303): View more from Colorado

You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

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(313): View more from Michigan

you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth

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(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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(925): View more from California

Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?

(940): View more from Texas

homeless.

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(713): View more from Texas

Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.

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(443): View more from Maryland

no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work

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(904): View more from Florida

took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.

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(916): View more from California

I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(208): View more from Idaho

you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.

(1-208): View more from Idaho

did we at least go back and get it?

(208): View more from Idaho

how else do you think we got jack in the box...?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.

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(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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(540): View more from Virginia

And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk

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(805): View more from California

she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(785): View more from Kansas

The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(812): View more from Indiana

She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.

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(567): View more from Ohio

I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..

(1-567): View more from Ohio

How so?

(567): View more from Ohio

Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(941): View more from Florida

She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I GOT MY PERIOD!

(706): View more from Georgia

damn. i had names picked out.

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(281): View more from Texas

So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

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(256): View more from Alabama

he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Well douche your snatch and let's go!

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(573): View more from Missouri

I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"

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(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her vagina should come with caution tape.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.

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(253): View more from Washington

You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!

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(530): View more from California

69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music

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(949): View more from California

Getting food. Want anything?

(1-949): View more from California

Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.

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(720): View more from Colorado

morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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(205): View more from Alabama

When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(301): View more from Maryland

I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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(512): View more from Texas

its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera

(908): View more from New Jersey

She didnt have a camera...

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone

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(720): View more from Colorado

i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them

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(585): View more from New York

bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning

(1-585): View more from New York

oh god.. jail?

(585): View more from New York

better, on the catwalk of the auditorium

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(507): View more from Minnesota

there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

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(316): View more from Kansas

i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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(805): View more from California

NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??

(805): View more from California

He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You should probably go find him.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(469): View more from Texas

HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...

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(206): View more from Washington

Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.

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(626): View more from California

You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.

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(678): View more from Georgia

And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(815): View more from Illinois

i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.

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(415): View more from California

what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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(703): View more from Virginia

when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover

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(734): View more from Michigan

cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.

(630): View more from Illinois

if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her

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(631): View more from New York

dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.

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(214): View more from Texas

Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS

(210): View more from Texas

Put my glitter back.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(631): View more from New York

Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(718): View more from New York

you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with

(217): View more from Illinois

well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment

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(615): View more from Tennessee

everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(212): View more from New York

btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up

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(310): View more from California

Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

(770): View more from Georgia

b/c u have herpes

(310): View more from California

No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(949): View more from California

Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(802): View more from Vermont

Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

(1-503): View more from Oregon

I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

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(254): View more from Texas

our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

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(480): View more from Arizona

Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Fuck I'm high.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.

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(631): View more from New York

i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(418): View more from Quebec

I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(512): View more from Texas

its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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(816): View more from Missouri

this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(943): View more from

You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka

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(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

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(313): View more from Michigan

How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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