We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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