careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?