You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There r osticjed everywhere
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Are my feet made of real feet?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
a search helicopter?!
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i can juggle bunnies
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"