If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Its about making memories worth repressing
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You can't special order awesome
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I miss vodka workout Fridays
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
this will be a night to untag.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She's JV to your varsity
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I am in a vortex of obligation.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish i was in the wii world.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Nicole vs. Life
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wish I could teleport
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i dont even know how to be here
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.