I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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