EMTgurl's Favorites Texts:

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  (229): View more from Georgia

  She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.

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  (229): She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather. http://tfl.nu/lq1l
  Replies (10) Good night (1104) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.

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  (941): I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine. http://tfl.nu/f9af
  Replies (5) Good night (2372) Bad night (391) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.

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  (716): The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us. http://tfl.nu/j1ej
  Replies (11) Good night (2475) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.

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  (229): I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant. http://tfl.nu/p9a2
  Replies (10) Good night (508) Bad night (1375) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours

  (301): View more from Maryland

  ........yyyyyyeah that's me

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  (814): There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours (301): ........yyyyyyeah that's me http://tfl.nu/xtm1
  Replies (4) Good night (1350) Bad night (385)
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  (805): View more from California

  how many dildos make it a "collection?"

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  (805): how many dildos make it a "collection?" http://tfl.nu/3sue
  Replies (12) Good night (1376) Bad night (873) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!

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  (518): I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING! http://tfl.nu/za5e
  Replies (18) Good night (1014) Bad night (2660) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.

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  (405): I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation. http://tfl.nu/hpn0
  Replies (2) Good night (1128) Bad night (324) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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  (610): I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird. http://tfl.nu/yqaf
  Replies (18) Good night (2274) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Promise me you won't have sex in my room

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.

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  (954): Promise me you won't have sex in my room (248): I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try (248): Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge. http://tfl.nu/lf7v
  Replies (2) Good night (1192) Bad night (366)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.

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  (540): He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back. http://tfl.nu/es5h
  Replies (14) Good night (1455) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why

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  (630): Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why http://tfl.nu/bkyw
  Replies (8) Good night (1121) Bad night (679) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.

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  (316): It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina. http://tfl.nu/v1d1
  Replies (13) Good night (1504) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do

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  (703): I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do http://tfl.nu/cpj9
  Replies (11) Good night (1098) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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  (301): Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours. http://tfl.nu/5jwu
  Replies (10) Good night (3246) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.

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  (810): I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning. http://tfl.nu/b9vx
  Replies (25) Good night (1348) Bad night (538) Order T-Shirt
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

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  (731): Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze. http://tfl.nu/erxr
  Replies (1) Good night (1949) Bad night (360) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"

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  (905): they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about" http://tfl.nu/sw9a
  Replies (8) Good night (1488) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.

  (909): View more from California

  Whaaaaaat? No way.

  (206): View more from Washington

  Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.

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  (206): The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag. (909): Whaaaaaat? No way. (206): Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier. http://tfl.nu/t9qj
  Replies (16) Good night (462) Bad night (1795)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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  (603): If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines. http://tfl.nu/3y2e
  Replies (22) Good night (2559) Bad night (480)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.

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  (248): He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it. http://tfl.nu/eor8
  Replies (4) Good night (2021) Bad night (367)
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  (830): View more from Texas

  we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.

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  (830): we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked. http://tfl.nu/50u7
  Replies (8) Good night (2176) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.

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  (616): Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing. http://tfl.nu/tiqf
  Replies (2) Good night (1145) Bad night (360) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.

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  (608): I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week. http://tfl.nu/5pj6
  Replies (9) Good night (1746) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.

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  (407): Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas. http://tfl.nu/zp3l
  Replies (6) Good night (1653) Bad night (360)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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  (270): It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.." http://tfl.nu/em6p
  Replies (5) Good night (4413) Bad night (495) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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  (541): they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you http://tfl.nu/813g
  Replies (23) Good night (4161) Bad night (412) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.

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  (605): I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies. http://tfl.nu/al7b
  Replies (2) Good night (1754) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.

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  (832): Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles. http://tfl.nu/3k5e
  Replies (4) Good night (1503) Bad night (380) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.

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  (845): You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this. http://tfl.nu/x8z4
  Replies (15) Good night (2928) Bad night (450) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.

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  (270): Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together. http://tfl.nu/2jfm
  Replies (7) Good night (2133) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.

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  (570): If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes. http://tfl.nu/for0
  Replies (8) Good night (1754) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.

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  (717): I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild. http://tfl.nu/q7pb
  Replies (4) Good night (1407) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian

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  (954): damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian http://tfl.nu/u64e
  Replies (6) Good night (2224) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER

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  (260): DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER http://tfl.nu/2v94
  Replies (6) Good night (588) Bad night (1323) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.

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  (908): I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger. http://tfl.nu/tt9q
  Replies (9) Good night (1101) Bad night (549) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.

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  (937): And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso. http://tfl.nu/q5xa
  Replies (2) Good night (912) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say

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  (954): You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say http://tfl.nu/ixst
  Replies (6) Good night (2029) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.

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  (802): He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass. http://tfl.nu/9wu9
  Replies (23) Good night (2390) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Sex on roller skates

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Floating mattress

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Tie

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  (301): Sex on roller skates (202): Floating mattress (301): Tie http://tfl.nu/1xsm
  Replies (7) Good night (1695) Bad night (425)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.

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  (843): I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are. http://tfl.nu/lq46
  Replies (4) Good night (2031) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.

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  (914): I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed. http://tfl.nu/j5xb
  Replies (6) Good night (1332) Bad night (377) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

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  (781): And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today. http://tfl.nu/2n0s
  Replies (21) Good night (2625) Bad night (472) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too

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  (623): Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too http://tfl.nu/3dvb
  Replies (20) Good night (1511) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.

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  (570): God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today. http://tfl.nu/74x0
  Replies (5) Good night (992) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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  (208): so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate. http://tfl.nu/25ho
  Replies (17) Good night (4647) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way

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  (203): He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way http://tfl.nu/eve3
  Replies (9) Good night (2346) Bad night (900) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Nobody in the ambulance liked me...

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  (775): Nobody in the ambulance liked me... http://tfl.nu/5rji
  Replies (11) Good night (667) Bad night (1530) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."

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  (301): They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up." http://tfl.nu/f0g8
  Replies (3) Good night (1826) Bad night (512)
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  (530): View more from California

  Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know

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  (530): Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know http://tfl.nu/b7cw
  Replies (4) Good night (431) Bad night (811) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

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  (941): Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil. http://tfl.nu/r5gy
  Replies (1) Good night (1830) Bad night (467) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out

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  (306): We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out http://tfl.nu/zt8v
  Replies (3) Good night (1584) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.

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  (760): I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait. http://tfl.nu/31q4
  Replies (6) Good night (1226) Bad night (539) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.

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  (515): It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful. http://tfl.nu/3wbb
  Replies (4) Good night (1752) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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  (360): well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home http://tfl.nu/1sb0
  Replies (8) Good night (2639) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.

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  (501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie. http://tfl.nu/eccp
  Replies (4) Good night (2083) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.

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  (937): we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order. http://tfl.nu/a6f0
  Replies (8) Good night (1443) Bad night (371) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant

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  (604): With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant http://tfl.nu/nhig
  Replies (5) Good night (468) Bad night (1102) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety

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  (+61): On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety http://tfl.nu/7rit
  Replies (9) Good night (2515) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice

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  (954): I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice http://tfl.nu/nj79
  Replies (5) Good night (1355) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

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  (360): You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/13cn
  Replies (5) Good night (2730) Bad night (460) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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  (973): "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time http://tfl.nu/xrvp
  Replies (12) Good night (2614) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.

  (1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Wait. Someome brought slutcake?

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  (403): Christ, I really took the slutcake last night. (1-403): Wait. Someome brought slutcake? http://tfl.nu/hkv2
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  (516): View more from New York

  I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.

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  (516): I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick. http://tfl.nu/yu0a
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS

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  (541): THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS http://tfl.nu/c3uu
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.

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  (970): You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan. http://tfl.nu/do61
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather

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  (304): You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather http://tfl.nu/giov
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.

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  (520): She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers. http://tfl.nu/zf1p
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess

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  (215): before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess http://tfl.nu/dqew
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  (254): View more from Texas

  ...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.

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  (254): ...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom. http://tfl.nu/zxa5
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.

  (1+44): View more from

  Doesn't she keep a spare?

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.

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  (+44): You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys. (1+44): Doesn't she keep a spare? (+44): Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans. http://tfl.nu/5sic
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?

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  (918): Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision? http://tfl.nu/w6zq
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  (207): View more from Maine

  You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!

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  (207): You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?! http://tfl.nu/i02d
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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  (847): Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight? (262): Do you want cuervo gold or silver? http://tfl.nu/7twk
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Jesus, are you hammered?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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  (701): Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus. (1-701): Jesus, are you hammered? (701): Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws. http://tfl.nu/johl
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.

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  (715): I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone. http://tfl.nu/jgmj
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.

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  (606): If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now. http://tfl.nu/nnuj
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday

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  (808): Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday http://tfl.nu/8jtv
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?

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  (330): It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period? http://tfl.nu/rj9s
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  And your cock privileges have been revoked.

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  (778): Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck? (604): And your cock privileges have been revoked. http://tfl.nu/u4qr
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You're just horny.

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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  (401): You're just horny. (1-401): Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps. http://tfl.nu/yzld
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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  (859): I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital." http://tfl.nu/3xux
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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  (317): I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you." http://tfl.nu/oa2r
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.

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  (703): There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened. http://tfl.nu/llik
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...

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  (902): Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask? (902): It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet... http://tfl.nu/mgzk
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I was tackling you out of excitement

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.

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  (316): I was tackling you out of excitement (918): Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall. http://tfl.nu/io5x
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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  (651): This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease. (507): Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits. http://tfl.nu/blof
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch

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  (336): You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch http://tfl.nu/vf66
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.

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  (609): I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt. http://tfl.nu/9dqv
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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  (201): MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. http://tfl.nu/cgk3
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  (607): View more from New York

  No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.

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  (607): No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk. http://tfl.nu/h3m8
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  (925): View more from California

  I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.

  (1-925): View more from California

  We just have a real special relationship.

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  (925): I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar. (1-925): We just have a real special relationship. http://tfl.nu/gnex
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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  (+27): Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!" http://tfl.nu/eeqt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

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  (207): She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight http://tfl.nu/6sqo
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  You should probably take note of that and make it happen.

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  (267): In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards. (267): You should probably take note of that and make it happen. http://tfl.nu/k5f3
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You used the best tools you had at your disposal.

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Slutty, slutty tools.

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  (507): You used the best tools you had at your disposal. (651): Slutty, slutty tools. http://tfl.nu/m6kb
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.

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  (720): You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis. http://tfl.nu/1eq4
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.

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  (651): You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions. http://tfl.nu/alli
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.

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  (517): I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine. http://tfl.nu/qnhv
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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  (416): Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse. http://tfl.nu/9wwo
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.

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  (907): Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina. http://tfl.nu/hpd0
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.

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  (734): If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend. http://tfl.nu/pm1j
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  (518): View more from New York

  Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Can't be the first without the last

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  (518): Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics? (978): Can't be the first without the last http://tfl.nu/ya96
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.

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  (306): The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious. http://tfl.nu/pkyz
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

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  (919): At what point would you like us to save you from yourself? http://tfl.nu/30aa
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Naked Twister starts at high noon

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  (913): Naked Twister starts at high noon http://tfl.nu/ka5x
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.

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  (812): You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time. http://tfl.nu/0lxp
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.

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  (814): You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done. http://tfl.nu/ojtz
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  Ew! He's just a child!

  (361): View more from Texas

  AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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  (361): I'm okay with corrupting his young mind. (1-361): Ew! He's just a child! (361): AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE. http://tfl.nu/exs0
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish

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  (509): Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish http://tfl.nu/77ap
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.

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  (386): Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here. http://tfl.nu/vy2d
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  (408): View more from California

  I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty

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  (408): I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty http://tfl.nu/k1cq
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.

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  (952): You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness. http://tfl.nu/88ay
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

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  (973): Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like http://tfl.nu/re6o
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  peace be with you.

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  (860): you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice (1-860): peace be with you. http://tfl.nu/ffop
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.

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  (905): Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants. http://tfl.nu/3ltp
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..

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  (519): I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow.. http://tfl.nu/bd79
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one

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  (978): Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one http://tfl.nu/zma0
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  (585): View more from New York

  Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered

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  (585): Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered http://tfl.nu/ct7k
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes

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  (717): They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes http://tfl.nu/nt6q
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  (772): View more from Florida

  I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.

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  (772): I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do. http://tfl.nu/7vxu
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.

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  (401): Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically. http://tfl.nu/4j6y
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  (408): View more from California

  I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you

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  (408): I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you http://tfl.nu/72n4
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same

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  (208): I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same http://tfl.nu/tmvd
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  (806): View more from Texas

  No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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  (806): No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus. http://tfl.nu/4ptg
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  (713): View more from Texas

  onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.

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  (713): onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper. http://tfl.nu/3zpi
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  (845): View more from New York

  I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar

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  (845): I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar http://tfl.nu/fuzg
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses

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  (780): Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses http://tfl.nu/pn1w
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...

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  (309): You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion... http://tfl.nu/v1ex
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.

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  (541): Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids. http://tfl.nu/e2e0
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension

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  (248): Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension http://tfl.nu/j5kg
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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  (604): i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper. (1-604): please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night. http://tfl.nu/j80d
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.

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  (210): I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now. http://tfl.nu/26wy
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you

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  (713): I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you http://tfl.nu/33e4
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.

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  (717): The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot. http://tfl.nu/h8z2
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.

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  (330): it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with. http://tfl.nu/kix9
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.

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  (732): Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related. http://tfl.nu/sl34
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

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  (920): Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina http://tfl.nu/ae28
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible

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  (404): there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible http://tfl.nu/fm0j
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  (914): View more from New York

  Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?

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  (914): Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."? http://tfl.nu/ptvq
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  (903): View more from Texas

  As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.

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  (903): As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix. http://tfl.nu/azut
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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  (301): my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook http://tfl.nu/xr9p
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.

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  (971): He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character. http://tfl.nu/w2hk
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

  (804): View more from Virginia

  It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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  (773): That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin. (804): It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals. http://tfl.nu/mo3g
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  (714): View more from California

  I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

  (949): View more from California

  Midgetier?

  (714): View more from California

  Smaller, yet meaner.

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  (714): I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic? (949): Midgetier? (714): Smaller, yet meaner. http://tfl.nu/nr7w
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  (714): View more from California

  the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?

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  (714): the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that? http://tfl.nu/e4u9
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

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  (859): i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly http://tfl.nu/pft1
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?

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  (814): I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls? http://tfl.nu/unf7
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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  (502): I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever. http://tfl.nu/bzzy
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket

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  (618): We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket http://tfl.nu/a9al
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH

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  (630): IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH http://tfl.nu/xsxl
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.

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  (262): Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head. http://tfl.nu/w9hs
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right

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  (+44): I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right http://tfl.nu/f22x
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  (619): View more from California

  I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.

  (1-619): View more from California

  Very innocently.

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  (619): I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend. (1-619): Very innocently. http://tfl.nu/o8xf
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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  (204): New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us. http://tfl.nu/chty
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  So basically you were a dog.

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  (860): This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground. (802): So basically you were a dog. http://tfl.nu/0n1s
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  (207): View more from Maine

  remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?

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  (207): remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are? http://tfl.nu/u6le
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.

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  (860): We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn. http://tfl.nu/ndq7
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  (904): View more from Florida

  You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.

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  (904): You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition. http://tfl.nu/ww1r
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.

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  (973): We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness. http://tfl.nu/5j3m
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals

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  (770): Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals http://tfl.nu/cikb
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.

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  (519): It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE. http://tfl.nu/hewz
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

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  (206): You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick. http://tfl.nu/hzir
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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  (740): I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots" http://tfl.nu/pkth
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame

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  (618): thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame http://tfl.nu/q9yu
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  (214): View more from Texas

  The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.

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  (214): The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to. http://tfl.nu/ot3b
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  (562): View more from California

  The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.

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  (562): The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend. http://tfl.nu/pf8e
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

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  (740): As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there. http://tfl.nu/knxy
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.

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  (314): I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property. http://tfl.nu/21gv
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.

  (1-541): View more from Oregon

  You're welcome.

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  (541): Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes. (1-541): You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/axhz
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  (209): View more from California

  This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!

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  (209): This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ! http://tfl.nu/qsnl
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.

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  (913): You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes. http://tfl.nu/5pct
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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  (815): Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again http://tfl.nu/470y
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm

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  (602): By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm http://tfl.nu/w681
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  please bring me a paper towel asap.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.

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  (540): please bring me a paper towel asap. (540): I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do. http://tfl.nu/d1je
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka

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  (618): I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka http://tfl.nu/yt16
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins

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  (917): I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins http://tfl.nu/1uxv
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  (310): View more from California

  Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide

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  (310): Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide http://tfl.nu/450d
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war

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  (989): My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war http://tfl.nu/yle2
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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  (715): Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once. http://tfl.nu/y3bm
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.

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  (618): I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help. http://tfl.nu/o577
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.

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  (614): God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend. http://tfl.nu/1ak5
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  (718): View more from New York

  ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE

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  (718): ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE http://tfl.nu/zykk
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

  (517): View more from Michigan

  We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

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  (517): Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity. (517): We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by http://tfl.nu/0fvy
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  (914): View more from New York

  Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.

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  (914): Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again. http://tfl.nu/50dk
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics

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  (484): unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics http://tfl.nu/l12l
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips

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  (253): I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips http://tfl.nu/j5et
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?

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  (717): Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast? http://tfl.nu/62uv
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

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  (228): Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis. http://tfl.nu/q40e
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  (845): View more from New York

  No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown

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  (845): No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown http://tfl.nu/5hg1
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?

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  (847): What sexual position says im sorry for your loss? http://tfl.nu/sjhl
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!

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  (708): Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player! http://tfl.nu/3jxt
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  (619): View more from California

  Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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  (619): Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't. http://tfl.nu/8mv6
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  you goin out tonight?

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  who is this.

  (302): View more from Delaware

  your orgasm for tonight

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  (302): you goin out tonight? (267): who is this. (302): your orgasm for tonight http://tfl.nu/bzdn
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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  (757): shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas http://tfl.nu/w87e
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.

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  (778): Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties. http://tfl.nu/x4bh
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS

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  (603): ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS http://tfl.nu/rbdc
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.

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  (717): I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets. http://tfl.nu/exmx
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we need to find an occasion to wear tutus

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  (503): we need to find an occasion to wear tutus http://tfl.nu/4dk7
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.

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  (312): Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell. http://tfl.nu/6wbo
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  (585): View more from New York

  We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.

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  (585): We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling. http://tfl.nu/9r51
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?

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  (352): Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend? http://tfl.nu/xbp0
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  the wall and i were having dominance issues.

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  (614): the wall and i were having dominance issues. http://tfl.nu/itlm
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

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  (404): I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/16j0
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.

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  (843): I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form. http://tfl.nu/qfth
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.

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  (+44): I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are. http://tfl.nu/uo40
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

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  (304): Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on. http://tfl.nu/4qlm
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.

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  (705): Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding. http://tfl.nu/zvb5
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  (585): View more from New York

  So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?

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  (585): So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar? http://tfl.nu/e57l
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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  (615): Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls. http://tfl.nu/rbr1
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet

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  (920): If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet http://tfl.nu/w7lt
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  (631): View more from New York

  youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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  (631): youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful http://tfl.nu/kqdo
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  (707): View more from California

  there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

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  (707): there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced. http://tfl.nu/voth
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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  (208): I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend http://tfl.nu/wdl5
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!

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  (434): A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!! http://tfl.nu/y0d6
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.

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  (505): We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness. http://tfl.nu/4wfs
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny

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  (860): Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny http://tfl.nu/2672
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"

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  (860): We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no" http://tfl.nu/13gy
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

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  (740): I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/pyht
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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  (330): The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life. http://tfl.nu/qfsl
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.

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  (905): Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights. http://tfl.nu/cnu2
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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  (540): i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall http://tfl.nu/ora9
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us

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  (413): We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us http://tfl.nu/tf0q
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  (315): View more from New York

  Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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  (315): Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench http://tfl.nu/9nh4
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

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  (740): He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work" http://tfl.nu/lj9u
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.

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  (440): Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed. http://tfl.nu/3vnt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool

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  (401): she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool http://tfl.nu/sz50
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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  (541): blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best http://tfl.nu/qdc9
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

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  (484): so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey. http://tfl.nu/h1y9
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  (516): View more from New York

  You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

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  (516): You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food. http://tfl.nu/5019
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.

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  (708): You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit. http://tfl.nu/hyfu
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight

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  (623): We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight http://tfl.nu/am5b
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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  (570): You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter. http://tfl.nu/i6dh
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.

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  (623): My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here. http://tfl.nu/yssz
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine

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  (+64): If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine http://tfl.nu/9dun
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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  (586): on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish" http://tfl.nu/8ky3
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt

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  (828): You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt http://tfl.nu/0h7j
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.

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  (918): We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it. http://tfl.nu/eha8
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz

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  (401): Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz http://tfl.nu/2w6v
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  (510): View more from California

  In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...

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  (510): In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going... http://tfl.nu/8b0c
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  (425): View more from Washington

  She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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  (425): She's clinging to me like a horny koala. http://tfl.nu/a9hq
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  (407): View more from Florida

  There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!

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  (407): There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?! http://tfl.nu/z97b
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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  (715): I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today. http://tfl.nu/aa1v
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.

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  (410): We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES. http://tfl.nu/638m
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices

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  (802): It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices http://tfl.nu/xsk4
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  (957): View more from

  I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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  (957): I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day. http://tfl.nu/42ia
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.

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  (402): I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious. http://tfl.nu/b9xl
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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  (304): Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day. http://tfl.nu/phv5
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  (209): View more from California

  What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?

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  (209): What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons? http://tfl.nu/8u4p
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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  (502): dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk. http://tfl.nu/y7ij
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  (315): View more from New York

  See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday

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  (315): See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday http://tfl.nu/kg71
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown

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  (270): and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown http://tfl.nu/vz9q
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  (432): View more from Texas

  There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!

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  (432): There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses! http://tfl.nu/cuv6
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.

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  (501): Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight. http://tfl.nu/hv0l
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.

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  (706): thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel. http://tfl.nu/lqer
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  they won't let me drive with my sombrero

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  (757): they won't let me drive with my sombrero http://tfl.nu/1zde
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I stole so many things from the ER last night.

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  (309): I stole so many things from the ER last night. http://tfl.nu/lt6b
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

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  (740): Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed? http://tfl.nu/4keg
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  (707): View more from California

  I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

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  (707): I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA http://tfl.nu/ppt3
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

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  (807): If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right http://tfl.nu/lb7z
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  (361): View more from Texas

  After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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  (361): After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge. http://tfl.nu/26oy
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.

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  (610): Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory. http://tfl.nu/8tn6
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  (727): View more from Florida

  and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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  (727): and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos http://tfl.nu/qrbd
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles

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  (204): Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles http://tfl.nu/rk9c
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.

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  (303): Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life. http://tfl.nu/83b6
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

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  (+44): Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning . http://tfl.nu/qry6
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly

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  (678): I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly http://tfl.nu/mkzb
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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  (602): I demand visitation hours with the duck. http://tfl.nu/cyd2
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?

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  (678): Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon? http://tfl.nu/v3dn
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER

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  (678): We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER http://tfl.nu/fxy8
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  (631): View more from New York

  He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.

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  (631): He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club. http://tfl.nu/hcoc
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.

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  (215): Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day. http://tfl.nu/lmzq
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  She still started it.

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  (651): No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister. (1-651): She still started it. http://tfl.nu/h5sx
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?

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  (908): do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants? http://tfl.nu/rdvq
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.

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  (541): There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet. http://tfl.nu/xrf4
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona

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  (503): still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona http://tfl.nu/3dwf
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?

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  (630): hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night? http://tfl.nu/6bu9
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.

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  (217): It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way. http://tfl.nu/sqy6
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.

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  (703): There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse. http://tfl.nu/1du4
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard

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  (314): You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard http://tfl.nu/m8tv
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  (516): View more from New York

  Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!

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  (516): Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy! http://tfl.nu/mmzc
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub

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  (410): In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub http://tfl.nu/jeln
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?

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  (541): Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night? http://tfl.nu/53hk
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever

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  (847): I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever http://tfl.nu/aala
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.

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  (610): Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card. http://tfl.nu/uepf
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  (409): View more from Texas

  The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

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  (409): The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens. http://tfl.nu/kai5
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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  (484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj
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  (518): View more from New York

  I want a grilled cheese and an IV

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  (518): I want a grilled cheese and an IV http://tfl.nu/ksb1
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

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  (847): I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies" http://tfl.nu/cpcz
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.

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  (913): did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box. http://tfl.nu/h01u
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens

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  (407): I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens http://tfl.nu/da7z
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

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  (502): Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead http://tfl.nu/4b2b
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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  (704): Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be http://tfl.nu/xbn0
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  (889): View more from

  found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.

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  (889): found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint. http://tfl.nu/70ee
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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  (484): Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar. http://tfl.nu/31fg
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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  (615): Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify. http://tfl.nu/zod7
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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  (440): My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made. http://tfl.nu/g5vb
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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  (210): Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!" http://tfl.nu/xp9i
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"

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  (973): when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!" http://tfl.nu/xs9f
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

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  (318): We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done http://tfl.nu/r8w7
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.

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  (773): I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe. http://tfl.nu/xtio
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  (903): View more from Texas

  If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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  (903): If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis. http://tfl.nu/5wmm
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.

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  (443): i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig. http://tfl.nu/vo5s
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  how do you feel about lunch break shots ?

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  (204): how do you feel about lunch break shots ? http://tfl.nu/05qu
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.

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  (618): Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly. http://tfl.nu/ma4l
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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  (216): he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone http://tfl.nu/anp6
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.

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  (801): I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey. http://tfl.nu/fucb
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night

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  (609): Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night http://tfl.nu/7184
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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  (248): Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting." http://tfl.nu/6v74
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  (361): View more from Texas

  As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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  (361): As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you. http://tfl.nu/u1yg
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  (915): View more from Texas

  at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?

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  (915): at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes? http://tfl.nu/vnu1
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me

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  (720): If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me http://tfl.nu/f7dp
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night

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  (409): Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night http://tfl.nu/3ybg
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?

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  (613): Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots? http://tfl.nu/j4og
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.

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  (505): I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster. http://tfl.nu/elih
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  (512): View more from Texas

  If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.

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  (512): If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome. http://tfl.nu/rgpf
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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  (828): Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me. http://tfl.nu/wdvy
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.

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  (717): Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/70l7
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  (530): View more from California

  I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.

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  (530): I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me. http://tfl.nu/jc9x
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?

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  (443): Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree? http://tfl.nu/odr7
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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  (248): btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese http://tfl.nu/b6cs
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata

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  (719): im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata http://tfl.nu/j3vj
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.

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  (785): I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers. http://tfl.nu/hlo3
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  (406): View more from Montana

  i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  haha i know

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  (406): i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt. (1-406): haha i know http://tfl.nu/vo1w
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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  (520): normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees. http://tfl.nu/d0ki
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  (954): View more from Florida

  STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA

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  (954): STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA http://tfl.nu/oiv6
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.

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  (267): I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement. http://tfl.nu/314h
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.

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  (570): hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help. http://tfl.nu/nfdk
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  (516): View more from New York

  Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.

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  (516): Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis. http://tfl.nu/43t1
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together

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  (713): Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together http://tfl.nu/dsi2
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

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  (717): looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw http://tfl.nu/7d00
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey

  (1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

  ugh yes i love our date nights

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  (814): i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey (1-814): ugh yes i love our date nights http://tfl.nu/d1p8
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

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  (803): Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him http://tfl.nu/31nh
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?

  (303): View more from Colorado

  He told her it was international road head day.

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  (720): Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min? (303): He told her it was international road head day. http://tfl.nu/xtw8
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

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  (618): This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape. http://tfl.nu/eyxg
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.

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  (202): I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request. http://tfl.nu/ivj5
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!

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  (731): Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?! http://tfl.nu/umwb
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

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  (617): I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night. http://tfl.nu/ytje
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  (650): View more from California

  Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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  (650): Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother" http://tfl.nu/4czs
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

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  (+44): I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon. http://tfl.nu/t0p2
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?

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  (778): He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I? http://tfl.nu/r6dy
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

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  (613): I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!" http://tfl.nu/plpd
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.

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  (203): You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace. http://tfl.nu/24s5
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

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  (617): You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable. http://tfl.nu/i02t
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

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  (740): Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE! http://tfl.nu/i7pp
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet

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  (763): Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet http://tfl.nu/ppas
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.

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  (404): It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again. http://tfl.nu/gqov
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.

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  (319): i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie. http://tfl.nu/wyd8
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  (561): View more from Florida

  how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken

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  (561): how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken http://tfl.nu/p5ms
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  (845): View more from New York

  she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave

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  (845): she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave http://tfl.nu/ylty
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.

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  (250): I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete. http://tfl.nu/p0ju
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  (210): View more from Texas

  If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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  (210): If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings. http://tfl.nu/8q1l
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

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  (734): We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing." http://tfl.nu/cqut
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  (915): View more from Texas

  do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?

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  (915): do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club? http://tfl.nu/mens
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order

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  (715): I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order http://tfl.nu/7p7j
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost

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  (647): You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost http://tfl.nu/e5ly
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

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  (404): You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet." http://tfl.nu/ru2n
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  (914): View more from New York

  I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later

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  (914): I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later http://tfl.nu/hx0e
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.

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  (217): haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it. http://tfl.nu/2m8n
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  (+65): View more from

  No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.

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  (+65): No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car. http://tfl.nu/46mc
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis

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  (608): It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis http://tfl.nu/80nu
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

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  (201): Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied. http://tfl.nu/g4t4
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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  (815): im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine http://tfl.nu/4lyn
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  (510): View more from California

  Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.

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  (510): Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on. http://tfl.nu/jv7t
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.

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  (479): He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave. http://tfl.nu/idj5
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome

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  (636): She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome http://tfl.nu/8vj5
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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  (919): So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma. http://tfl.nu/it54
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar

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  (513): Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar http://tfl.nu/rpu6
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?

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  (704): What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present? http://tfl.nu/yubn
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times

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  (508): If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times http://tfl.nu/rglo
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

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  (+44): The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me http://tfl.nu/123e
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  (239): View more from Florida

  You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

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  (239): You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house. http://tfl.nu/7m77
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.

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  (802): I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me. http://tfl.nu/p69o
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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  (517): Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever. http://tfl.nu/fx8m
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with

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  (313): he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with http://tfl.nu/73j2
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.

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  (630): don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class. http://tfl.nu/vso9
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?

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  (260): did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis? http://tfl.nu/t53m
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  (310): View more from California

  I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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  (310): I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub http://tfl.nu/zgaw
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  (61): View more from Australia

  who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class

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  (61): who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class http://tfl.nu/g4lj
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

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  (214): Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks. http://tfl.nu/p4l3
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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  (724): Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks. http://tfl.nu/a8rg
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho

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  (519): your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho http://tfl.nu/j100
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  (253): View more from Washington

  In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.

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  (253): In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me. http://tfl.nu/mf2b
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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  (630): But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them http://tfl.nu/vxlz
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.

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  (608): I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her. http://tfl.nu/42b2
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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  (602): Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table. http://tfl.nu/8dv6
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.

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  (405): Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door. http://tfl.nu/5l3p
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  (352): View more from Florida

  ... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.

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  (352): ... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea. http://tfl.nu/mdap
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.

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  (609): At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared. http://tfl.nu/jdkh
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass

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  (602): It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass http://tfl.nu/mkro
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it

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  (313): if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it http://tfl.nu/hc23
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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  (402): I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9... http://tfl.nu/1jeo
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  (406): View more from Montana

  he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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  (406): he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten http://tfl.nu/sl88
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You're like the curious george of whores

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  (512): You're like the curious george of whores http://tfl.nu/l01l
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

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  (512): Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas http://tfl.nu/5abk
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.

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  (520): I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training. http://tfl.nu/cz3b
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  (555): View more from

  Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

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  (555): Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me. http://tfl.nu/aho3
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

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  (402): What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho. http://tfl.nu/a5a8
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?

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  (206): Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug? http://tfl.nu/56z8
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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  (240): Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders? http://tfl.nu/9s8f
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  It'll be just me and my penis against the world.

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  (314): It'll be just me and my penis against the world. http://tfl.nu/ph7y
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.

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  (410): I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us. http://tfl.nu/iw4a
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him

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  (203): apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him http://tfl.nu/3qi4
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag

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  (563): Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag http://tfl.nu/f93g
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden

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  (770): How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden http://tfl.nu/1f55
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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  (801): I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine. http://tfl.nu/flen
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  ... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.

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  (816): ... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night. (314): I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it. http://tfl.nu/jfox
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.

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  (678): we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole. http://tfl.nu/qa53
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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  (757): It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah" http://tfl.nu/ebyl
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  (518): View more from New York

  in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility

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  (518): in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility http://tfl.nu/vdpc
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  (845): View more from New York

  I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me

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  (845): I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me http://tfl.nu/ucgi
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  (817): View more from Texas

  His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart

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  (817): His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart http://tfl.nu/4nfy
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  (562): View more from California

  Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas

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  (562): Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas http://tfl.nu/zcne
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  (207): View more from Maine

  i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance

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  (207): i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance http://tfl.nu/4kjn
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

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  (651): okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are. http://tfl.nu/937u
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.

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  (843): I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower. http://tfl.nu/3pc6
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

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  (201): He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?" http://tfl.nu/srbv
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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  (732): I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time. http://tfl.nu/5sl5
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.

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  (405): in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter. http://tfl.nu/55jx
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.

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  (605): He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth. http://tfl.nu/s2q9
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

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  (647): Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral. http://tfl.nu/3rm8
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.

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  (307): We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives. http://tfl.nu/qq5e
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  (716): View more from New York

  whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete

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  (716): whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete http://tfl.nu/s3e3
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