She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Sex on roller skates
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You're like the curious george of whores
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete