She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
look no pants
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Say something about gay babies.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i think my tv is drunk
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My pussy is not your playground.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Sober January is a disaster.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Yo dont text me then not text me
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job