Texts From Last Night · CDR_Shepard's Favorites

CDR_Shepard's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy

Fav 1 60 9
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga

Fav 1 58 11
share tweet

(330): View more from Ohio

In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.

Fav 4 153 35
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow

Fav 0 79 17
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.

Fav 3 68 15
share tweet
(415): View more from California

WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???

Fav 1 52 10
share tweet

(614): View more from Ohio

Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.

Fav 2 124 24
share tweet

(702): View more from Nevada

I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest

Fav 2 70 27
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

Fav 7 7338 1396
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(+61): View more from Australia

He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.

Fav 1 52 35
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.

Fav 1 120 15
share tweet

(720): View more from Colorado

The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.

Fav 0 18 33
share tweet

(912): View more from Georgia

I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

How did you come to this point in your life?

(912): View more from Georgia

Good bartenders.

Fav 2 83 13
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.

Fav 3 28 84
share tweet

(503): View more from Oregon

Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?

Fav 1 45 17
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"

Fav 2 90 28
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.

(865): View more from Tennessee

Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?

Fav 1 29 47
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.

Fav 2 86 25
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd

Fav 0 43 21
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.

Fav 5 72 32
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...

Fav 1 81 22
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know

Fav 2 57 17
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.

Fav 0 29 50
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.

Fav 4 46 60
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.

Fav 3 82 33
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.

Fav 0 58 36
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today

Fav 0 95 13
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?

Fav 0 65 20
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.

Fav 1 69 18
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online

Fav 2 52 16
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica

Fav 3 140 10
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?

Fav 4 171 43
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.

Fav 4 42 66
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

she's throwing knives it scares me

(551): View more from New Jersey

update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere

Fav 1 23 69
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.

Fav 3 105 26
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.

(541): View more from Oregon

Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?

Fav 0 50 14
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.

Fav 2 158 23
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER

Fav 1 32 55
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning

Fav 2 38 49
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother

Fav 1 11 78
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?

Fav 1 26 32
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away

Fav 0 19 41
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?

Fav 2 96 9
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.

Fav 2 58 7
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.

Fav 1 72 9
share tweet
(619): View more from California

This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.

(858): View more from California

Essential life skills

Fav 1 119 18
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".

Fav 4 60 14
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.

Fav 1 46 57
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.

Fav 1 88 15
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.

Fav 1 148 8
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.

Fav 0 68 9
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual

Fav 0 72 20
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.

Fav 1 19 36
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.

Fav 1 24 53
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"

Fav 1 55 26
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags

Fav 1 23 44
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.

Fav 0 76 5
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?

Fav 0 54 5
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.

Fav 3 183 9
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.

Fav 2 61 16
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?

Fav 0 45 21
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.

Fav 0 56 12
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH

Fav 2 17 84
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?

Fav 5 67 30
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag

Fav 1 107 10
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.

Fav 1 87 43
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo

Fav 3 25 64
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.

Fav 1 77 15
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Who died my cat blue again?

Fav 2 53 43
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who the fuck stole my fridge again

Fav 1 42 37
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes

Fav 2 80 19
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did

Fav 2 53 14
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.

Fav 1 135 10
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?

(256): View more from Alabama

You're a true patriot.

Fav 1 130 16
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls

Fav 0 97 22
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?

Fav 2 176 17
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Mischief managed.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?

Fav 1 110 7
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.

Fav 3 208 12
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.

Fav 3 72 6
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves

Fav 5 72 119
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate

Fav 1 71 25
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment

Fav 5 22 42
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background

Fav 2 48 20
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.

Fav 2 27 91
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight

Fav 6 115 71
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial

Fav 2 80 24
share tweet
(310): View more from California

If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.

Fav 2 36 114
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We need to get me chipped asap

Fav 0 75 15
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong

Fav 3 48 99
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again

Fav 0 77 18
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.

Fav 3 113 8
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?

(303): View more from Colorado

They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.

Fav 3 138 24
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again

Fav 4 13 79
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Fav 3 136 21
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.

Fav 0 65 55
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Come get me, I'm fucking scared.

Fav 1 84 15
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.

Fav 2 99 44
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.

Fav 1 83 32
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what does that even mean?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.

Fav 36 5809 980
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1

Fav 17 7028 1992
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

Fav 10 9629 1338
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

Fav 31 10373 1313
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"

Fav 3 56 70
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.

Fav 1 54 26
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though

Fav 0 40 65
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out

Fav 1 49 12
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.

Fav 1 15 50
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?

Fav 1 62 15
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN

Fav 1 83 24
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.

Fav 1 34 37
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?

(1-347): View more from New York

Here's a rule: don't

Fav 1 81 16
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.

Fav 7 1792 1026
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.

Fav 2 471 232
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis

Fav 4 180 11
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..

Fav 3 56 16
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.

Fav 3 30 99
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst

Fav 1 105 24
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect

Fav 0 46 79
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!

Fav 1 128 8
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.

Fav 0 28 47
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning

Fav 0 50 12
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.

Fav 1 92 15
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.

Fav 3 42 56
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.

Fav 0 82 14
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.

Fav 3 79 91
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!

Fav 0 36 35
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.

Fav 2 68 17
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around

Fav 4 558 774
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores

Fav 1 774 381
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.

Fav 5 1146 616
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...

Fav 0 162 60
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.

Fav 0 93 74
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?

Fav 1 84 68
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.

Fav 1 146 69
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it

Fav 0 158 81
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode

Fav 1 198 117
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.

Fav 0 89 103
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.

Fav 0 148 77
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.

Fav 1 224 138
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children

Fav 1 115 167
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS

Fav 1 149 70
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.

Fav 2 277 113
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...

Fav 2 195 101
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives

Fav 1 126 75
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?

(226): View more from Ontario

Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?

(647): View more from Ontario

Oh definitely.

Fav 0 227 121
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.

Fav 1 134 117
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.

Fav 1 156 106
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.

Fav 0 187 112
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.

Fav 1 130 159
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.

Fav 1 183 93
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....

Fav 2 257 111
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.

Fav 1 323 132
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?

Fav 2 163 122
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.

Fav 4 287 114
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing

Fav 5 137 166
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce

Fav 0 231 108
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..

Fav 5 175 139
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.

Fav 1 280 106
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed

Fav 4 135 204
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon

Fav 1 152 132
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?

Fav 2 154 206
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.

Fav 1 176 84
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.

Fav 0 766 480
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.

Fav 0 167 67
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me

Fav 1 334 119
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.

Fav 1 142 263
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router

Fav 1 265 115
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.

Fav 0 126 109
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?

Fav 1 100 75
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.

Fav 0 174 104
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.

Fav 0 170 110
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.

Fav 0 222 70
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.

Fav 1 176 117
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested

Fav 0 182 85
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.

Fav 0 166 88
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe

Fav 1 124 85
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.

Fav 0 166 123
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.

Fav 4 145 146
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

You can't die you're my only democrat family member

Fav 0 211 106
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.

(743): View more from

Who is this?

Fav 3 223 98
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.

Fav 3 183 91
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.

Fav 1 97 122
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...

(480): View more from Arizona

When is the party?

Fav 3 247 88
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.

Fav 0 116 236
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.

Fav 0 168 109
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.

Fav 0 225 99
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.

Fav 0 133 194
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.

(512): View more from Texas

Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"

Fav 0 288 151
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof

Fav 13 1039 2783
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.

Fav 0 545 415
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids

Fav 13 1497 807
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

(Underoos optional)

Fav 0 268 160
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.

Fav 0 179 94
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.

Fav 4 293 135
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.

Fav 4 141 210
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit

Fav 2 206 139
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?

Fav 1 128 99
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.

Fav 1 175 89
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me

Fav 3 162 115
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.

Fav 0 160 83
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked

Fav 0 145 160
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.

Fav 5 378 131
share tweet
(650): View more from California

YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS

Fav 0 161 187
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer

Fav 3 239 110
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast

Fav 1 162 70
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.

(419): View more from Ohio

At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.

Fav 0 191 98
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing

Fav 1 266 128
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.

Fav 2 134 180
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.

Fav 0 186 102
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys

(978): View more from Massachusetts

this is not a drill

Fav 1 153 106
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances

(978): View more from Massachusetts

he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back

Fav 0 162 83
share tweet
(619): View more from California

It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.

Fav 0 183 126
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.

Fav 0 188 97
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?

Fav 3 159 159
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high

Fav 0 180 120
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better

Fav 0 360 124
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.

Fav 5 1528 652
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.

Fav 8 1230 812
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you

(1-240): View more from Maryland

Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina

Fav 8 2228 811
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?

Fav 1 578 707
share tweet
(916): View more from California

you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"

Fav 2 1377 529
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.

Fav 4 1536 838
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question

Fav 1 143 159
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.

Fav 3 157 97
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/

(917): View more from New York City

It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.

Fav 0 117 101
share tweet
(818): View more from California

That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.

Fav 3 158 96
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."

Fav 1 189 73
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?

Fav 2 274 90
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now

Fav 1 86 147
share tweet
(475): View more from Connecticut

his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.

Fav 3 307 70
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys

Fav 0 210 127
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?

Fav 4 462 135
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.

Fav 2 316 134
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...

Fav 2 258 195
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO

Fav 1 161 193
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night

Fav 2 151 152
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.

Fav 1 133 232
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.

Fav 8 830 225
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.

Fav 1 466 138
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!

(240): View more from Maryland

Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...

Fav 1 367 111
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.

Fav 1 382 136
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.

Fav 0 372 98
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.

Fav 1 314 122
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.

Fav 0 190 213
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.

Fav 1 291 142
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?

Fav 2 842 525
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.

Fav 0 290 127
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

You could paint cock rings as wreaths.

Fav 2 486 92
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?

Fav 0 217 160
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start

Fav 1 345 100
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..

Fav 2 309 152
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

True strength comes from lack of pants

Fav 2 336 173
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.

Fav 0 290 133
share tweet
(587): View more from Alberta

Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..

Fav 0 249 160
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.

Fav 0 287 116
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"

Fav 4 325 166
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors

Fav 1 236 168
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.

Fav 2 177 409
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.

Fav 1 271 164
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock

Fav 1 318 123
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.

Fav 15 2822 874
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.

Fav 14 1779 670
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.

Fav 0 275 130
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.

(1-713): View more from Texas

That explains the nerd bow & arrow...

Fav 1 358 179
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.

Fav 1 213 200
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.

Fav 0 277 97
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear

Fav 0 171 188
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!

Fav 2 313 191
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.

Fav 0 293 189
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?

Fav 1 203 154
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor

Fav 0 192 159
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.

Fav 0 359 133
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."

Fav 0 508 195
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning

(248): View more from Michigan

Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing

Fav 0 529 129
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.

Fav 1 297 182
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird

Fav 0 384 169
share tweet
(562): View more from California

When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.

Fav 0 372 224
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.

Fav 0 394 202
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.

Fav 1 184 389
share tweet
(385): View more from Utah

I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving

Fav 0 338 200
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day

Fav 0 284 164
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.

Fav 0 572 182
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.

Fav 1 569 169
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.

Fav 0 340 184
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.

Fav 0 447 182
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.

Fav 0 339 219
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test

Fav 3 787 382
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

They were assless. I wore assless football pants.

Fav 2 268 207
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.

Fav 2 229 371
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.

Fav 3 419 193
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.

Fav 2 408 184
share tweet
(213): View more from California

I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.

Fav 0 263 177
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.

Fav 4 391 219
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.

Fav 1 330 254
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.

Fav 0 163 495
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

idk i usually just blame everything on steve

(214): View more from Texas

Steve quit two months ago

Fav 2 547 207
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me

Fav 6 234 721
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.

Fav 6 878 1601
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.

Fav 3 1017 775
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?

Fav 9 1407 540
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms

Fav 10 1482 960
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.

Fav 1 533 189
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.

Fav 3 381 194
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.

Fav 1 245 122
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.

Fav 0 395 182
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug

Fav 1 408 189
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist

Fav 1 331 187
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever

Fav 1 207 272
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk

Fav 1 380 163
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed

Fav 3 440 334
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.

Fav 0 290 202
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.

Fav 2 425 192
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties

Fav 1 668 206
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been

Fav 1 380 150
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.

Fav 1 365 204
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched

Fav 2 475 200
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

Fav 51 18890 1733
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.

Fav 0 329 186
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel

Fav 6 465 180
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.

Fav 3 243 163
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.

Fav 6 174 356
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.

Fav 5 952 588
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.

Fav 8 1541 632
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away

Fav 18 1981 1119
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.

Fav 2 337 223
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

Fav 24 5697 1396
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

Fav 15 5881 1096
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"

Fav 33 8715 1191
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.

Fav 0 366 212
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

JESUS

Fav 4 1310 578
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.

Fav 10 1548 625
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose

Fav 0 739 866
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.

Fav 4 430 850
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

Fav 6 1142 604
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected

Fav 4 1083 625
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(

Fav 5 519 605
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice

Fav 2 745 529
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.

Fav 4 2025 650
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

Fav 9 4122 1076
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?

Fav 3 1386 760
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)

Fav 1 1279 580
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

gay sex achievement: unlocked

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

what

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

you told me you were going out for groceries!!

Fav 2 970 460
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.

Fav 1 857 446
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.

(1-315): View more from New York

Or maybe pay for Netflix?

(315): View more from New York

I'm not that desperate yet.

Fav 3 356 182
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.

Fav 2 184 361
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.

Fav 1 487 161
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.

Fav 1 337 203
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?

Fav 2 208 181
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.

Fav 1 193 279
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????

Fav 0 260 147
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Gay?

(226): View more from Ontario

German.

(519): View more from Ontario

Pity.

Fav 3 296 213
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now

Fav 3 268 168
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.

Fav 0 190 348
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.

(702): View more from Nevada

No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.

Fav 2 345 139
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.

Fav 1 262 529
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?

Fav 4 483 223
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator

Fav 7 1014 714
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.

Fav 5 933 482
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.

Fav 3 956 553
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for

Fav 0 678 171
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?

Fav 4 200 340
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..

Fav 3 310 223
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves

Fav 3 320 227
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...

Fav 2 192 379
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".

Fav 6 553 205
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating

Fav 1 514 200
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS

Fav 1 334 144
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky

Fav 1 378 158
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS

Fav 2 429 172
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.

Fav 2 740 465
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..

Fav 10 1579 602
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.

Fav 3 1484 664
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.

Fav 11 1626 1070
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

Fav 11 2486 828
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.

Fav 14 3037 1262
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats

Fav 0 451 190
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?

Fav 3 400 179
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick

Fav 1 364 167
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.

Fav 1 253 148
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.

Fav 4 303 441
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.

Fav 4 1132 841
share tweet
(408): View more from California

In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals

Fav 8 958 666
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted

Fav 21 5367 1049
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

Fav 25 11213 1338
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me

Fav 1 1131 727
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse

Fav 0 590 392
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing

Fav 1 656 416
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker

Fav 0 794 604
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.

Fav 1 1137 737
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.

Fav 31 1163 5044
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

Fav 14 1336 2590
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"

Fav 6 2431 1078
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

ahaha ok

(708): View more from Illinois

let's call it "werewolfing"

Fav 6 3088 1121
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

Fav 10 3669 1935
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?

Fav 2 398 264
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life

Fav 1 249 343
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text

Fav 3 468 281
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.

Fav 0 235 162
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone

Fav 0 293 146
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.

Fav 2 418 217
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.

Fav 3 413 200
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.

Fav 9 751 218
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2

Fav 1 232 299
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime

Fav 1 440 125
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever

Fav 2 467 212
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.

Fav 5 366 160
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?

Fav 5 1135 545
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.

Fav 6 1318 695
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere

Fav 0 1012 705
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...

Fav 4 943 767
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.

Fav 1 1176 528
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.

Fav 3 1077 561
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.

Fav 3 878 422
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Male strippers are involved. You are coming

Fav 4 1251 594
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.

Fav 5 412 286
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.

Fav 2 364 182
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....

Fav 2 338 179
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.

Fav 7 506 206
share tweet
(707): View more from California

So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up

(707): View more from California

I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero

Fav 1 592 154
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads

Fav 5 551 229
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend

Fav 5 282 813
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.

Fav 6 409 164
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?

Fav 3 250 147
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.

Fav 9 313 616
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.

Fav 2 576 236
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"

Fav 7 2167 795
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?

Fav 23 1994 1172
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.

Fav 4 1749 761
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?

Fav 4 696 1065
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME

Fav 3 500 232
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears

Fav 15 1108 1898
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.

Fav 2 409 265
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.

Fav 4 683 629
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.

(1-240): View more from Maryland

You've ruined popcorn for me.

Fav 7 1151 905
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.

Fav 1 248 504
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.

Fav 1 399 210
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour

Fav 2 289 424
share tweet
(626): View more from California

For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.

(818): View more from California

I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.

Fav 6 565 224
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.

Fav 1 368 198
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad

Fav 3 466 284
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.

Fav 2 449 184
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!

(972): View more from Texas

THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING

(214): View more from Texas

OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!

Fav 2 388 163
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!

Fav 0 370 194
share tweet
(858): View more from California

It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.

Fav 2 296 185
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.

Fav 0 260 172
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.

Fav 2 622 252
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.

Fav 3 705 919
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?

Fav 2 800 1025
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook

Fav 4 999 636
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Bring gay.

(250): View more from British Columbia

By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.

Fav 3 2438 831
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.

Fav 4 1573 862
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies

Fav 4 1663 891
share tweet
(530): View more from California

After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?

Fav 1 375 260
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.

Fav 1 255 285
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.

Fav 0 505 203
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.

Fav 0 318 155
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.

Fav 0 431 150
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.

Fav 0 214 392
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!

Fav 2 486 146
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.

Fav 2 386 226
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

How do you clean human pee out of a carpet

(571): View more from Virginia

Inconspicuously

Fav 0 305 286
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.

Fav 6 300 404
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.

Fav 2 367 235
share tweet
(925): View more from California

You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it

Fav 0 1072 513
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.

Fav 0 615 410
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!

Fav 4 621 367
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.

Fav 6 1747 832
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels

Fav 1 1291 649
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.

Fav 9 1401 819
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.

Fav 6 2061 749
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?

Fav 4 301 149
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.

Fav 1 527 213
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas

Fav 0 770 996
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

Fav 3 1928 670
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept

Fav 5 712 1367
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.

Fav 2 866 610
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.

(419): View more from Ohio

You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!

Fav 3 1063 718
share tweet
(805): View more from California

We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"

Fav 4 1904 773
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?

Fav 1 280 494
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

that was THE gayest party i've ever been to

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.

Fav 4 1791 693
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...

Fav 7 855 611
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar

Fav 2 845 462
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible

Fav 0 278 350
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts

Fav 14 1477 817
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy

Fav 3 773 532
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today

Fav 0 662 465
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?

Fav 2 767 425
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

Fav 7 2517 836
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.

Fav 3 1683 825
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me

Fav 3 1453 799
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.

(301): View more from Maryland

Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

Fav 11 2267 861
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program

Fav 0 1121 444
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people

Fav 5 447 211
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?

Fav 4 424 159
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

Fav 11 3693 1026
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.

Fav 6 1531 566
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday

Fav 2 320 161
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"

Fav 2 744 267
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Hey, how are you?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.

Fav 0 575 280
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions

Fav 1 335 212
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.

Fav 5 917 637
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!

Fav 0 600 340
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay

Fav 4 1083 569
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.

Fav 8 2803 992
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.

Fav 3 483 203
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.

Fav 5 788 225
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.

Fav 0 441 230
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?

Fav 2 660 174
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?

Fav 0 169 255
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?

Fav 13 1357 3242
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

Fav 38 22561 3000
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

Fav 13 4808 1535
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.

Fav 37 5010 1142
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose

Fav 11 5139 1379
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

Fav 8 5659 1814
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE

Fav 2 306 428
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.

Fav 0 836 203
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen

Fav 3 294 429
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.

Fav 2 217 290
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.

Fav 0 382 245
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.

Fav 4 434 241
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.

Fav 14 1594 890
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?

Fav 5 1631 774
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.

Fav 0 547 648
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down

Fav 2 1073 721
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.

Fav 0 866 428
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?

Fav 2 861 545
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Am I going to be on condom boxes?

Fav 4 2594 746
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.

Fav 1 1212 814
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.

Fav 4 1539 988
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"

Fav 1 518 488
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Strip club or gay bar tonight?

(989): View more from Michigan

I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.

Fav 1 601 204
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

Fav 144 18332 3507
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

Fav 80 32303 1626
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40356 3922
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

Fav 125 44230 1932
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

Fav 206 46782 4628
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61933 8168
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75090 3007
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89706 8268
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115811 11194
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

Fav 204 120238 4350
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.

Fav 2 449 195
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?

Fav 17 1152 1074
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

Fav 43 29387 1934
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

Fav 76 22591 1877
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.

Fav 8 2451 1557
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46055 2514
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.

Fav 34 8165 1051
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

Fav 33 13416 2006
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

Fav 12 4398 1210
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.

(313): View more from Michigan

Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.

Fav 7 1751 968
share tweet
(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

Fav 12 2936 933
share tweet
(916): View more from California

come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.

Fav 8 4529 1140
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.

Fav 5 3171 1599
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"

Fav 3 1902 662
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.

Fav 2 2391 820
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

Fav 6 3904 1052
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

Fav 29 1866 2233
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

Fav 5 2139 989
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Cats found the secret coke stash again

(519): View more from Ontario

They owe us $80.

Fav 11 2343 1749
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok

Fav 7 2437 821
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina

(404): View more from Georgia

I'm teaching my cat to play fetch

(678): View more from Georgia

Yep, it's a friday

Fav 10 2495 1001
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

Fav 9 3315 1418
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.

Fav 40 3651 7338
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.

Fav 33 3889 1246
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

Fav 6 4283 1222
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is

Fav 19 9776 1352
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

Fav 37 11806 1171
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Are you ok?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.

Fav 1 932 412
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.

Fav 8 4210 844
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.

Fav 1 1101 683
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf

Fav 4 1428 720
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

Fav 9 3461 1026
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?

Fav 1 543 235
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex

(773): View more from Illinois

SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?

Fav 22 3824 1121
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

(614): View more from Ohio

I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

(330): View more from Ohio

I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

Fav 6 3828 1065
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

And why did you do that?

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Tequila

Fav 7 4095 1086
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up

(915): View more from Texas

Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat

Fav 32 4265 1038
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

Fav 14 5777 1405
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

Fav 29 5792 971
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

Fav 22 7664 1536
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

Fav 85 9752 1614
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

Fav 46 14032 1755
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

Fav 25 21249 1553
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

Fav 21 12023 1295
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

Fav 35 13045 1899
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...

Fav 22 3294 1087
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

Fav 34 19330 1852
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

Fav 17 8655 2176
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

Fav 34 5581 1857
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.

Fav 12 6404 1297
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

Fav 131 6583 7806
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

Fav 18 9909 1132
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Why are you in my underwear drawer?

Fav 15 4969 1329
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.

Fav 12 6158 1092
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.

Fav 23 7820 1320
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?

(1-212): View more from New York

idk but i think it had a face

Fav 15 1190 1854
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

Fav 7 1967 742
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.

Fav 3 1130 572
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

Fav 17 1599 6072
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

Fav 55 3865 1183
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

Fav 8 4640 1232
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

Fav 28 7246 1798
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

Fav 36 22407 3677
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.

Fav 3 451 272
share tweet