My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
