I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.