Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
