Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
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I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
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That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
yea but for you.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?