Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dating After Heartbreak
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Banned from zoo.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
wanna go halves on a baby?
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I intend to get homeless drunk
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
We're like a lot better than the average bears
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
After last night, I could never be a politician.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies