I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
