Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
porn star boner night. come get it.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The beer is more important than you right now.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage