he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We had to coat check the pizza.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
