yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
