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He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
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