Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
