elliie13's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that? http://tfl.nu/yb0a
  Replies (4) Good night (1825) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw http://tfl.nu/sktq
  Replies (5) Good night (1026) Bad night (1001)
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during http://tfl.nu/5f1x
  Replies (19) Good night (2533) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music http://tfl.nu/408g
  Replies (18) Good night (3514) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand. http://tfl.nu/31me
  Replies (6) Good night (1494) Bad night (450) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (514): View more from Quebec

  So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (514): So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe. http://tfl.nu/whvh
  Replies (9) Good night (1791) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence. http://tfl.nu/oul5
  Replies (0) Good night (953) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges. http://tfl.nu/xi1h
  Replies (3) Good night (1356) Bad night (987) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (626): View more from California

  I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (626): I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for http://tfl.nu/u8ph
  Replies (4) Good night (1176) Bad night (430)
• Favorite

  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (252): I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong" http://tfl.nu/l3k0
  Replies (6) Good night (2099) Bad night (574)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else. http://tfl.nu/cpkz
  Replies (11) Good night (3344) Bad night (460) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode. http://tfl.nu/h8l8
  Replies (11) Good night (2872) Bad night (526)
• Favorite

  (478): View more from Georgia

  He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (478): He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him. http://tfl.nu/w7kg
  Replies (7) Good night (1951) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint. (740): Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint. http://tfl.nu/vk5s
  Replies (22) Good night (684) Bad night (5279)
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  .....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar..... (507): .....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls.... http://tfl.nu/yj71
  Replies (5) Good night (750) Bad night (452)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time. http://tfl.nu/18ab
  Replies (19) Good night (2226) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday. http://tfl.nu/tcvi
  Replies (5) Good night (1595) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all. http://tfl.nu/7eme
  Replies (12) Good night (3602) Bad night (593)
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Would it have been easier if he talked to her?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled. (647): Would it have been easier if he talked to her? (416): Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing. http://tfl.nu/gzgt
  Replies (8) Good night (3495) Bad night (490)
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (361): Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again. http://tfl.nu/uwik
  Replies (4) Good night (1275) Bad night (463) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (641): You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid. http://tfl.nu/bnv7
  Replies (20) Good night (1173) Bad night (3845)
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June http://tfl.nu/abqo
  Replies (16) Good night (1801) Bad night (1765) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  I swear they were about to hook up!!

  (1-240): View more from Maryland

  I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): I swear they were about to hook up!! (1-240): I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot. http://tfl.nu/yhvp
  Replies (5) Good night (1684) Bad night (455) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  I cant shower it involves moving...

  (219): View more from Indiana

  Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): I cant shower it involves moving... (219): Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame. http://tfl.nu/d6ka
  Replies (8) Good night (2265) Bad night (494)
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass. http://tfl.nu/tco3
  Replies (9) Good night (4201) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I stole a fireplace last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): I stole a fireplace last night. http://tfl.nu/uv7e
  Replies (15) Good night (2258) Bad night (975) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab. http://tfl.nu/lb7r
  Replies (7) Good night (1265) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room. http://tfl.nu/qubv
  Replies (14) Good night (616) Bad night (2100) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard http://tfl.nu/fmkh
  Replies (4) Good night (1665) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (606): after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls. http://tfl.nu/ni37
  Replies (17) Good night (5414) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands. http://tfl.nu/rsji
  Replies (12) Good night (2390) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom. http://tfl.nu/s7cn
  Replies (29) Good night (3521) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less... http://tfl.nu/7jyd
  Replies (5) Good night (1394) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  I have got to meet this girl.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW (1-860): I have got to meet this girl. http://tfl.nu/ejln
  Replies (7) Good night (2065) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that. http://tfl.nu/u65f
  Replies (3) Good night (2026) Bad night (406)
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle. http://tfl.nu/6oed
  Replies (15) Good night (3133) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested http://tfl.nu/s1lm
  Replies (15) Good night (784) Bad night (1895) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk. http://tfl.nu/rohk
  Replies (9) Good night (2605) Bad night (649) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster http://tfl.nu/7ph6
  Replies (14) Good night (2267) Bad night (550) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (709): I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April. http://tfl.nu/hy0p
  Replies (5) Good night (1370) Bad night (838) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve... http://tfl.nu/u07h
  Replies (6) Good night (1472) Bad night (600)
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl. http://tfl.nu/m2u6
  Replies (21) Good night (2369) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose http://tfl.nu/hd86
  Replies (18) Good night (1826) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  we should probably just go check in at the police station right now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): we should probably just go check in at the police station right now http://tfl.nu/dhxr
  Replies (8) Good night (1388) Bad night (563) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it. http://tfl.nu/um1e
  Replies (6) Good night (1471) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend. http://tfl.nu/pm1j
  Replies (13) Good night (2997) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  you are way too vulgar to be a girl

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION? (410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl http://tfl.nu/3shx
  Replies (20) Good night (7993) Bad night (812)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot http://tfl.nu/grz5
  Replies (2) Good night (1138) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution... http://tfl.nu/4s12
  Replies (13) Good night (620) Bad night (1691) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener. http://tfl.nu/k1i6
  Replies (5) Good night (1811) Bad night (574) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite http://tfl.nu/cjvu
  Replies (2) Good night (1660) Bad night (817) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now. http://tfl.nu/ogzg
  Replies (2) Good night (681) Bad night (1107) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain. http://tfl.nu/r1vy
  Replies (8) Good night (2728) Bad night (581) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final. http://tfl.nu/2gn0
  Replies (7) Good night (2482) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): I love you more than champagne and correct grammar http://tfl.nu/3165
  Replies (19) Good night (3705) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by

  (256): View more from Alabama

  he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by (256): he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch http://tfl.nu/0lqj
  Replies (13) Good night (1902) Bad night (537)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order. http://tfl.nu/7w8i
  Replies (4) Good night (1957) Bad night (455)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience. http://tfl.nu/8crb
  Replies (8) Good night (1909) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT http://tfl.nu/q56u
  Replies (6) Good night (614) Bad night (2504) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again http://tfl.nu/qatr
  Replies (7) Good night (1852) Bad night (507)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head. (847): Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st http://tfl.nu/ptod
  Replies (6) Good night (3235) Bad night (753)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying. http://tfl.nu/5saj
  Replies (7) Good night (843) Bad night (2960) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious. http://tfl.nu/gquc
  Replies (2) Good night (2533) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just arrived at our party

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis (773): Just arrived at our party http://tfl.nu/7hao
  Replies (18) Good night (3594) Bad night (588)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested. http://tfl.nu/ut9v
  Replies (1) Good night (1549) Bad night (920) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party. http://tfl.nu/q2r5
  Replies (4) Good night (3705) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week! http://tfl.nu/rhq7
  Replies (4) Good night (1760) Bad night (426) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa. http://tfl.nu/kz18
  Replies (3) Good night (1793) Bad night (456)
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Hows that studying goin for you?

  (1-505): View more from New Mexico

  I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): Hows that studying goin for you? (1-505): I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil http://tfl.nu/rkj1
  Replies (5) Good night (1740) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now. http://tfl.nu/1l2n
  Replies (8) Good night (1800) Bad night (1187) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (754): View more from Florida

  Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (754): Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam. http://tfl.nu/he4s
  Replies (35) Good night (1085) Bad night (2261) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future" http://tfl.nu/uwag
  Replies (17) Good night (3910) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study. http://tfl.nu/bvl6
  Replies (10) Good night (3523) Bad night (689) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over. http://tfl.nu/puou
  Replies (9) Good night (2180) Bad night (509) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key http://tfl.nu/pj3h
  Replies (7) Good night (1832) Bad night (609)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant. http://tfl.nu/1w7r
  Replies (16) Good night (1349) Bad night (863) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer. http://tfl.nu/dqld
  Replies (19) Good night (1346) Bad night (616)
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing". http://tfl.nu/0ckl
  Replies (17) Good night (6429) Bad night (1176)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever. http://tfl.nu/yvee
  Replies (12) Good night (2993) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine. http://tfl.nu/hmlf
  Replies (5) Good night (1267) Bad night (685) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (682): View more from Texas

  I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (682): I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face http://tfl.nu/zwwu
  Replies (16) Good night (5254) Bad night (891) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here http://tfl.nu/668w
  Replies (9) Good night (572) Bad night (1505) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt. http://tfl.nu/lbvc
  Replies (12) Good night (796) Bad night (2124)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win? http://tfl.nu/uubh
  Replies (11) Good night (2164) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously! http://tfl.nu/q8vz
  Replies (9) Good night (1619) Bad night (579) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema. http://tfl.nu/a51s
  Replies (8) Good night (550) Bad night (1207) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene. http://tfl.nu/c9bu
  Replies (5) Good night (1136) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen? http://tfl.nu/9r46
  Replies (14) Good night (2527) Bad night (629) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit. http://tfl.nu/5mnb
  Replies (12) Good night (534) Bad night (2630) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha http://tfl.nu/t468
  Replies (8) Good night (2029) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going? http://tfl.nu/1d2j
  Replies (8) Good night (1727) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober. http://tfl.nu/dut2
  Replies (5) Good night (1400) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please. http://tfl.nu/1hgr
  Replies (2) Good night (652) Bad night (1030) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list http://tfl.nu/djej
  Replies (5) Good night (1497) Bad night (456) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?! http://tfl.nu/sa9o
  Replies (10) Good night (1982) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for. http://tfl.nu/9lin
  Replies (4) Good night (1705) Bad night (547)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes. http://tfl.nu/8gcz
  Replies (11) Good night (1699) Bad night (531)
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom http://tfl.nu/fom9
  Replies (18) Good night (3178) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well http://tfl.nu/pd1v
  Replies (5) Good night (1260) Bad night (456) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves

  (806): View more from Texas

  That's not technology. Doesn't count.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves (806): That's not technology. Doesn't count. http://tfl.nu/x0wz
  Replies (3) Good night (1559) Bad night (637)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25. http://tfl.nu/95s1
  Replies (7) Good night (769) Bad night (1443)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side http://tfl.nu/k88p
  Replies (12) Good night (1928) Bad night (599) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present http://tfl.nu/3ku6
  Replies (2) Good night (1193) Bad night (416)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze. http://tfl.nu/rdoy
  Replies (3) Good night (754) Bad night (1074) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights http://tfl.nu/qbnp
  Replies (4) Good night (1749) Bad night (1017) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this. http://tfl.nu/2wr9
  Replies (1) Good night (1381) Bad night (535) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries? http://tfl.nu/cmm3
  Replies (10) Good night (826) Bad night (1157) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink http://tfl.nu/maij
  Replies (7) Good night (1843) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him. http://tfl.nu/w8du
  Replies (13) Good night (1832) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun. http://tfl.nu/5ck8
  Replies (18) Good night (1670) Bad night (579) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured (617): I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed http://tfl.nu/ilci
  Replies (14) Good night (2447) Bad night (616)
• Favorite

  (660): View more from Missouri

  He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (660): He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence. (816): Your vagina must be laced with cocaine... http://tfl.nu/n747
  Replies (7) Good night (1682) Bad night (656)
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed http://tfl.nu/to9s
  Replies (4) Good night (1224) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady. http://tfl.nu/ufs6
  Replies (3) Good night (1860) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE. http://tfl.nu/evb8
  Replies (10) Good night (547) Bad night (2148) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day. http://tfl.nu/31tb
  Replies (24) Good night (3847) Bad night (932)
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Was he satisfied?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  No, and very vocal about it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home (647): Was he satisfied? (416): No, and very vocal about it. http://tfl.nu/h3jb
  Replies (8) Good night (2389) Bad night (673)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket. http://tfl.nu/c7zs
  Replies (5) Good night (1381) Bad night (1314) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel? http://tfl.nu/ufnb
  Replies (7) Good night (1363) Bad night (640) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn. http://tfl.nu/iixt
  Replies (13) Good night (2710) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets http://tfl.nu/vhzs
  Replies (4) Good night (2124) Bad night (481)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

  (518): View more from New York

  So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi. (518): So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits? http://tfl.nu/jsif
  Replies (36) Good night (4787) Bad night (851)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train. http://tfl.nu/pxln
  Replies (17) Good night (2225) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early? http://tfl.nu/0ctz
  Replies (19) Good night (1809) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time. http://tfl.nu/7ckj
  Replies (15) Good night (3045) Bad night (986) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them http://tfl.nu/2uni
  Replies (41) Good night (14608) Bad night (1031) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal. http://tfl.nu/1sv3
  Replies (26) Good night (3874) Bad night (599) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!

  (1-650): View more from California

  noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish! (1-650): noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish! http://tfl.nu/qi3r
  Replies (86) Good night (3547) Bad night (1342) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch http://tfl.nu/s0rx
  Replies (11) Good night (1043) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time. http://tfl.nu/u8ll
  Replies (27) Good night (893) Bad night (3748) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  I have no words

  (951): View more from California

  Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): I have no words (951): Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water. http://tfl.nu/wxcd
  Replies (19) Good night (948) Bad night (2237)
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here. http://tfl.nu/vy2d
  Replies (6) Good night (1840) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated. http://tfl.nu/0bri
  Replies (18) Good night (4164) Bad night (630)
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u. http://tfl.nu/h95p
  Replies (22) Good night (1326) Bad night (3719)
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow http://tfl.nu/7xi8
  Replies (18) Good night (3066) Bad night (652) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator. http://tfl.nu/ijx1
  Replies (21) Good night (2049) Bad night (962) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something? http://tfl.nu/b3em
  Replies (16) Good night (2261) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/7yfd
  Replies (4) Good night (1743) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (623): View more from Arizona

  Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (623): Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN." http://tfl.nu/7rib
  Replies (13) Good night (2795) Bad night (1045)
• Favorite

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (339): Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys. http://tfl.nu/p4yk
  Replies (20) Good night (5917) Bad night (637)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy http://tfl.nu/irre
  Replies (8) Good night (810) Bad night (2503) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate. http://tfl.nu/13a6
  Replies (16) Good night (3748) Bad night (735)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Did you reintroduce yourself?

  (407): View more from Florida

  He threatened to call the cops.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house. (301): Did you reintroduce yourself? (407): He threatened to call the cops. http://tfl.nu/0bcc
  Replies (7) Good night (629) Bad night (1880)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again. http://tfl.nu/731o
  Replies (10) Good night (900) Bad night (1393) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her. http://tfl.nu/dj4z
  Replies (10) Good night (721) Bad night (3047) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight. http://tfl.nu/rrui
  Replies (8) Good night (2603) Bad night (614)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  you seemed to enjoy falling down hill

  (540): View more from Virginia

  wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): you seemed to enjoy falling down hill (540): wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint http://tfl.nu/kb4o
  Replies (4) Good night (1201) Bad night (510)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again. http://tfl.nu/5erg
  Replies (18) Good night (2523) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you. http://tfl.nu/q3ie
  Replies (29) Good night (5000) Bad night (790)
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years. (1-902): Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies http://tfl.nu/48gx
  Replies (11) Good night (4016) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid. http://tfl.nu/grub
  Replies (9) Good night (2542) Bad night (438) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her. http://tfl.nu/z51y
  Replies (19) Good night (2743) Bad night (741) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+82): View more from South Korea

  I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+82): I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already? http://tfl.nu/a77n
  Replies (7) Good night (1305) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class? http://tfl.nu/wrjt
  Replies (3) Good night (1306) Bad night (983) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin. http://tfl.nu/s6ok
  Replies (25) Good night (3125) Bad night (571)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat http://tfl.nu/d487
  Replies (11) Good night (707) Bad night (1876) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (478): View more from Georgia

  You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (478): You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable (318): You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call. http://tfl.nu/575v
  Replies (13) Good night (2498) Bad night (623)
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe (617): Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything http://tfl.nu/wlv3
  Replies (12) Good night (1941) Bad night (523)
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you. http://tfl.nu/ukeu
  Replies (4) Good night (595) Bad night (1589) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed. http://tfl.nu/6rp2
  Replies (7) Good night (2489) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests".... http://tfl.nu/4e7u
  Replies (5) Good night (3405) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy. (847): You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth. http://tfl.nu/gv40
  Replies (11) Good night (1827) Bad night (524)
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard. http://tfl.nu/vxrl
  Replies (6) Good night (559) Bad night (1123) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!" http://tfl.nu/0rpe
  Replies (19) Good night (2272) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals. http://tfl.nu/vphu
  Replies (14) Good night (2246) Bad night (579)
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done. http://tfl.nu/ojtz
  Replies (31) Good night (2799) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever. http://tfl.nu/gq2j
  Replies (27) Good night (2582) Bad night (567)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant. http://tfl.nu/hs4h
  Replies (22) Good night (4290) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you http://tfl.nu/278m
  Replies (19) Good night (1196) Bad night (2374) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (571): View more from Virginia

  It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (571): It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack http://tfl.nu/ebu7
  Replies (3) Good night (576) Bad night (1818) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds. http://tfl.nu/9tr4
  Replies (11) Good night (2174) Bad night (489)
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?

  (714): View more from California

  Whatever it is you failed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean? (714): Whatever it is you failed http://tfl.nu/fjub
  Replies (10) Good night (842) Bad night (1774)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead. http://tfl.nu/2k13
  Replies (7) Good night (1792) Bad night (497)
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead. http://tfl.nu/ixs0
  Replies (4) Good night (2265) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless. http://tfl.nu/j4zx
  Replies (4) Good night (2058) Bad night (425) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (952): You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness. http://tfl.nu/88ay
  Replies (6) Good night (2356) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with

  (509): View more from Washington

  Isn't life beautiful?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with (509): Isn't life beautiful? http://tfl.nu/f406
  Replies (13) Good night (1945) Bad night (916)
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius! http://tfl.nu/013j
  Replies (6) Good night (709) Bad night (1382) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend http://tfl.nu/biar
  Replies (5) Good night (1659) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard. http://tfl.nu/cdhm
  Replies (20) Good night (4701) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like http://tfl.nu/re6o
  Replies (3) Good night (4764) Bad night (605) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no? http://tfl.nu/2hle
  Replies (4) Good night (2450) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday http://tfl.nu/2snx
  Replies (3) Good night (791) Bad night (1783) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love http://tfl.nu/0ny7
  Replies (21) Good night (3490) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed. http://tfl.nu/521h
  Replies (9) Good night (3040) Bad night (1049) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...

  (719): View more from Colorado

  LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old... (719): LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though.. http://tfl.nu/fsbn
  Replies (11) Good night (3778) Bad night (645)
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees http://tfl.nu/90bg
  Replies (8) Good night (2443) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case http://tfl.nu/1awx
  Replies (3) Good night (1703) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba. http://tfl.nu/rgqz
  Replies (3) Good night (1414) Bad night (538) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit? http://tfl.nu/zvq6
  Replies (9) Good night (2503) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed? http://tfl.nu/6lho
  Replies (10) Good night (1996) Bad night (704) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE (1-847): This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to. http://tfl.nu/xeyh
  Replies (15) Good night (4230) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room. http://tfl.nu/wcn9
  Replies (7) Good night (2654) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello http://tfl.nu/5ss8
  Replies (10) Good night (1228) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper. http://tfl.nu/3zpi
  Replies (10) Good night (1341) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea http://tfl.nu/bucj
  Replies (8) Good night (1357) Bad night (445)
• Favorite

  (1954): View more from

  You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (1954): You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday http://tfl.nu/byqw
  Replies (9) Good night (1837) Bad night (413) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dibsssss

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again (1-570): Dibsssss http://tfl.nu/o6dy
  Replies (11) Good night (1956) Bad night (550) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  You sound pretty unsure about all of this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses. (1-720): You sound pretty unsure about all of this. http://tfl.nu/jh6b
  Replies (5) Good night (2263) Bad night (568)
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (989): TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND http://tfl.nu/73d2
  Replies (11) Good night (2145) Bad night (590) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door. http://tfl.nu/79gl
  Replies (17) Good night (2637) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

  (1-471): View more from

  That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history. (1-471): That's all you talk about when you are wasted. http://tfl.nu/3q4b
  Replies (13) Good night (2454) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow. http://tfl.nu/xfpi
  Replies (20) Good night (2967) Bad night (576) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go. http://tfl.nu/67tg
  Replies (17) Good night (2997) Bad night (543) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Don't text me with that hand

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR (610): Don't text me with that hand http://tfl.nu/c1bj
  Replies (16) Good night (3316) Bad night (559)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems http://tfl.nu/ja9t
  Replies (13) Good night (3362) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies." (401): I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are. http://tfl.nu/26v4
  Replies (17) Good night (4927) Bad night (697)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever. http://tfl.nu/t5e0
  Replies (18) Good night (5299) Bad night (544) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well. http://tfl.nu/39wu
  Replies (20) Good night (7390) Bad night (542)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her? http://tfl.nu/5dev
  Replies (18) Good night (2895) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon

  (407): View more from Florida

  Covered in confetti and bad decisions

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon (407): Covered in confetti and bad decisions http://tfl.nu/kydc
  Replies (9) Good night (1676) Bad night (508)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.

  (519): View more from Ontario

  next time on intervention

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks? (416): yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off. (519): next time on intervention http://tfl.nu/rnty
  Replies (1) Good night (2503) Bad night (481)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.

  (1+44): View more from

  When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man. (1+44): When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree. http://tfl.nu/esvb
  Replies (9) Good night (1562) Bad night (897)
• Favorite

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (320): In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen. http://tfl.nu/m4s0
  Replies (9) Good night (3109) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/w8gt
  Replies (5) Good night (1573) Bad night (681) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice. http://tfl.nu/vzpo
  Replies (21) Good night (4256) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight? http://tfl.nu/h4cr
  Replies (8) Good night (1432) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (308): Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick. http://tfl.nu/8mtk
  Replies (12) Good night (3192) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order http://tfl.nu/s460
  Replies (4) Good night (1084) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles http://tfl.nu/okmw
  Replies (4) Good night (1431) Bad night (995) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar". http://tfl.nu/r1q0
  Replies (6) Good night (2127) Bad night (446) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes http://tfl.nu/nt6q
  Replies (4) Good night (1481) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  #1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): #1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE http://tfl.nu/txty
  Replies (15) Good night (3813) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer. http://tfl.nu/w95z
  Replies (3) Good night (2661) Bad night (1170)
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling. http://tfl.nu/9fnu
  Replies (8) Good night (1737) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol. http://tfl.nu/zw06
  Replies (11) Good night (2032) Bad night (463) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her. http://tfl.nu/i4zz
  Replies (8) Good night (2139) Bad night (568) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink? (1-913): I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith. http://tfl.nu/78li
  Replies (8) Good night (1295) Bad night (456)
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard. http://tfl.nu/rl99
  Replies (9) Good night (2259) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room. http://tfl.nu/stph
  Replies (4) Good night (1502) Bad night (683)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight. http://tfl.nu/a50k
  Replies (7) Good night (2817) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar. http://tfl.nu/vjyg
  Replies (6) Good night (2083) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth http://tfl.nu/eovp
  Replies (8) Good night (2858) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower http://tfl.nu/7nvc
  Replies (6) Good night (2017) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (320): What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off. http://tfl.nu/fj7u
  Replies (12) Good night (2562) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘 http://tfl.nu/3lq0
  Replies (11) Good night (2393) Bad night (645)
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin. http://tfl.nu/eslz
  Replies (5) Good night (2272) Bad night (653)
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on. http://tfl.nu/t92u
  Replies (12) Good night (1936) Bad night (729) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before. http://tfl.nu/td38
  Replies (4) Good night (1412) Bad night (452) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night. http://tfl.nu/vga8
  Replies (8) Good night (2171) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed http://tfl.nu/b36x
  Replies (11) Good night (2708) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol. http://tfl.nu/9h8q
  Replies (13) Good night (1778) Bad night (554) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior http://tfl.nu/ap8i
  Replies (19) Good night (4071) Bad night (1165) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch http://tfl.nu/6s8v
  Replies (13) Good night (2795) Bad night (575) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November." http://tfl.nu/2gt1
  Replies (5) Good night (2403) Bad night (543) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules. http://tfl.nu/6l2w
  Replies (19) Good night (3093) Bad night (643) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday. http://tfl.nu/mk6n
  Replies (14) Good night (1530) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us http://tfl.nu/pmf4
  Replies (8) Good night (3635) Bad night (501)
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs. http://tfl.nu/2wij
  Replies (10) Good night (1395) Bad night (705)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her http://tfl.nu/huvk
  Replies (3) Good night (1700) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn http://tfl.nu/nu2n
  Replies (8) Good night (652) Bad night (1128) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again. http://tfl.nu/qrkv
  Replies (4) Good night (1269) Bad night (1149)
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive http://tfl.nu/z4k9
  Replies (6) Good night (2710) Bad night (586) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours. http://tfl.nu/ireg
  Replies (4) Good night (1978) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne http://tfl.nu/35hl
  Replies (8) Good night (2211) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication http://tfl.nu/e0p4
  Replies (11) Good night (2238) Bad night (482) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it. http://tfl.nu/0zar
  Replies (11) Good night (2592) Bad night (983)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night. http://tfl.nu/k94l
  Replies (7) Good night (1657) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out. http://tfl.nu/wy42
  Replies (11) Good night (616) Bad night (1002)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed. (443): YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT? http://tfl.nu/cgqa
  Replies (13) Good night (4103) Bad night (542)
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea. http://tfl.nu/24jk
  Replies (11) Good night (636) Bad night (1277)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore." http://tfl.nu/zlen
  Replies (22) Good night (3580) Bad night (1637)
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care. http://tfl.nu/7tzw
  Replies (20) Good night (1158) Bad night (3999) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more http://tfl.nu/azy4
  Replies (9) Good night (3032) Bad night (534) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world. http://tfl.nu/6m84
  Replies (15) Good night (3526) Bad night (614) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (587): View more from Alberta

  Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (587): Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap http://tfl.nu/qxhg
  Replies (10) Good night (2927) Bad night (790)
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry http://tfl.nu/mjn0
  Replies (5) Good night (1389) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy. http://tfl.nu/ha0a
  Replies (20) Good night (2902) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend. http://tfl.nu/ofwy
  Replies (10) Good night (1711) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder. http://tfl.nu/btge
  Replies (7) Good night (2419) Bad night (786)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals. http://tfl.nu/sngt
  Replies (4) Good night (1112) Bad night (576) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time. http://tfl.nu/k05m
  Replies (5) Good night (1667) Bad night (515) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+82): View more from South Korea

  I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+82): I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea. http://tfl.nu/vo0h
  Replies (13) Good night (1905) Bad night (524) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high. http://tfl.nu/x992
  Replies (7) Good night (627) Bad night (1358) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos http://tfl.nu/v3p3
  Replies (4) Good night (1155) Bad night (479) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober. http://tfl.nu/gztw
  Replies (5) Good night (1356) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought http://tfl.nu/myue
  Replies (12) Good night (2607) Bad night (1055) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend. http://tfl.nu/du0y
  Replies (7) Good night (3026) Bad night (465)
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head. http://tfl.nu/7dxe
  Replies (12) Good night (544) Bad night (4597) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward. http://tfl.nu/2glp
  Replies (8) Good night (1184) Bad night (591) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment. http://tfl.nu/68lb
  Replies (7) Good night (1868) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago. http://tfl.nu/b245
  Replies (13) Good night (1436) Bad night (584) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates. http://tfl.nu/cot7
  Replies (25) Good night (5819) Bad night (844) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos. http://tfl.nu/prke
  Replies (7) Good night (2017) Bad night (512) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus. http://tfl.nu/s4im
  Replies (4) Good night (1307) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already. http://tfl.nu/06li
  Replies (9) Good night (2295) Bad night (648)
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming. http://tfl.nu/2tij
  Replies (6) Good night (3041) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume http://tfl.nu/akez
  Replies (9) Good night (2294) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass http://tfl.nu/26l8
  Replies (8) Good night (1756) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume. http://tfl.nu/xcgb
  Replies (8) Good night (3335) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house? http://tfl.nu/uvha
  Replies (12) Good night (659) Bad night (1950)
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase http://tfl.nu/f5g4
  Replies (13) Good night (3263) Bad night (595)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail. http://tfl.nu/7j5r
  Replies (8) Good night (714) Bad night (2353)
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend. (701): The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer. http://tfl.nu/9cgs
  Replies (7) Good night (1998) Bad night (820)
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight http://tfl.nu/yocu
  Replies (20) Good night (705) Bad night (4087) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex" http://tfl.nu/wknw
  Replies (6) Good night (2310) Bad night (522)
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me http://tfl.nu/g33s
  Replies (5) Good night (1765) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap http://tfl.nu/xw89
  Replies (5) Good night (672) Bad night (1090) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants. http://tfl.nu/3mi5
  Replies (4) Good night (1891) Bad night (524)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now. http://tfl.nu/wmrg
  Replies (7) Good night (1882) Bad night (543) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  $150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): $150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins. http://tfl.nu/s65x
  Replies (32) Good night (2771) Bad night (884) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right http://tfl.nu/f22x
  Replies (20) Good night (2433) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.

  (1-239): View more from Florida

  I told you I'd buy you lunch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (239): I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail. (1-239): I told you I'd buy you lunch. http://tfl.nu/jsln
  Replies (8) Good night (911) Bad night (1666)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains. http://tfl.nu/eu34
  Replies (5) Good night (1631) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck. http://tfl.nu/ppsw
  Replies (10) Good night (857) Bad night (1403) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names. http://tfl.nu/zaoe
  Replies (4) Good night (2423) Bad night (432)
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me. http://tfl.nu/xef4
  Replies (8) Good night (2078) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.

  (1-619): View more from California

  Very innocently.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend. (1-619): Very innocently. http://tfl.nu/o8xf
  Replies (19) Good night (2900) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  Why?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): My professor just gave us a margarita recipe. (1-609): Why? (609): Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life." http://tfl.nu/ong0
  Replies (12) Good night (3146) Bad night (446)
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit. http://tfl.nu/pnw4
  Replies (9) Good night (1935) Bad night (548)
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself. http://tfl.nu/zfk0
  Replies (10) Good night (937) Bad night (2550)
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow. http://tfl.nu/x1mn
  Replies (11) Good night (3724) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (628): View more from California

  That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (628): That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM. http://tfl.nu/93q7
  Replies (56) Good night (6789) Bad night (707)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles. http://tfl.nu/lwcx
  Replies (5) Good night (2994) Bad night (590) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level. http://tfl.nu/8m2b
  Replies (3) Good night (2219) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain. http://tfl.nu/l4y5
  Replies (11) Good night (2550) Bad night (1313) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums http://tfl.nu/g3fl
  Replies (4) Good night (1631) Bad night (596)
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy http://tfl.nu/yf7q
  Replies (2) Good night (1908) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed http://tfl.nu/y06v
  Replies (10) Good night (2840) Bad night (734)
• Favorite

  (979): View more from Texas

  I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (979): I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after http://tfl.nu/y0mb
  Replies (8) Good night (4547) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow http://tfl.nu/8ygv
  Replies (27) Good night (2313) Bad night (870) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm at about main and main street

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): I'm at about main and main street http://tfl.nu/my9q
  Replies (7) Good night (1647) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight? http://tfl.nu/35kg
  Replies (10) Good night (672) Bad night (2522) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon. http://tfl.nu/wb9r
  Replies (6) Good night (2186) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar http://tfl.nu/w8o7
  Replies (10) Good night (2747) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (833) Good night (142160) Bad night (9313) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green. http://tfl.nu/e68o
  Replies (13) Good night (4044) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

  (1-414): View more from Wisconsin

  I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply (1-414): I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday http://tfl.nu/j6sm
  Replies (10) Good night (4939) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is." http://tfl.nu/8j8j
  Replies (34) Good night (5642) Bad night (1184) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

  (773): View more from Illinois

  yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro (773): yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house. (708): how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience? http://tfl.nu/hgr9
  Replies (10) Good night (5115) Bad night (617)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place. http://tfl.nu/aqji
  Replies (9) Good night (5352) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery? http://tfl.nu/4aiq
  Replies (24) Good night (6255) Bad night (648)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off. http://tfl.nu/7fq9
  Replies (12) Good night (5812) Bad night (792)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us. (1-304): Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat? (304): No there was a goat. I gave it a donut. http://tfl.nu/bds8
  Replies (15) Good night (6263) Bad night (770)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT http://tfl.nu/r8ka
  Replies (21) Good night (6767) Bad night (596) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx
  Replies (58) Good night (15810) Bad night (825)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids. http://tfl.nu/hflo
  Replies (20) Good night (4062) Bad night (1036) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  But you wear shame so well

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group (1-303): But you wear shame so well http://tfl.nu/l3oh
  Replies (4) Good night (2666) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team. http://tfl.nu/ve6p
  Replies (9) Good night (2002) Bad night (580)
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that? http://tfl.nu/m9eq
  Replies (6) Good night (2206) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf
  Replies (41) Good night (7979) Bad night (1036) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (231): Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you. http://tfl.nu/6utw
  Replies (18) Good night (2784) Bad night (814)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it. http://tfl.nu/t5pt
  Replies (7) Good night (3072) Bad night (646) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me. http://tfl.nu/uo6c
  Replies (111) Good night (2234) Bad night (35657) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

  (650): View more from California

  nah, i'm gonna grab some food

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;) (650): nah, i'm gonna grab some food http://tfl.nu/jz1a
  Replies (120) Good night (4307) Bad night (35618)
• Favorite

  (626): View more from California

  you didnt know i had herpes?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (626): you didnt know i had herpes? http://tfl.nu/e6ph
  Replies (104) Good night (1397) Bad night (37494) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming. http://tfl.nu/oxhe
  Replies (139) Good night (1621) Bad night (37777)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude. http://tfl.nu/5a88
  Replies (175) Good night (6372) Bad night (79729) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
  Replies (485) Good night (173064) Bad night (6898) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours. http://tfl.nu/m0o9
  Replies (19) Good night (3563) Bad night (602)
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  She has a lazy eye!

  (317): View more from Indiana

  My other option is a hardwood floor

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): She has a lazy eye! (317): My other option is a hardwood floor http://tfl.nu/pxwj
  Replies (8) Good night (482) Bad night (1686)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly. http://tfl.nu/01h2
  Replies (7) Good night (1794) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night. http://tfl.nu/bkam
  Replies (7) Good night (1973) Bad night (812) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant. http://tfl.nu/4fg6
  Replies (39) Good night (920) Bad night (6360) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness. http://tfl.nu/5j3m
  Replies (17) Good night (2576) Bad night (868) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn. http://tfl.nu/ws8z
  Replies (8) Good night (2554) Bad night (846) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be? http://tfl.nu/eobh
  Replies (13) Good night (3213) Bad night (574) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night? http://tfl.nu/3tox
  Replies (6) Good night (1803) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now http://tfl.nu/a890
  Replies (3) Good night (1180) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form. http://tfl.nu/2bqh
  Replies (4) Good night (1442) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina http://tfl.nu/8dig
  Replies (28) Good night (1239) Bad night (2476) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out? http://tfl.nu/sosx
  Replies (6) Good night (1345) Bad night (1061) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester. http://tfl.nu/dsii
  Replies (7) Good night (3170) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Is there a law against that?

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): Is there a law against that? (717): Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life. http://tfl.nu/tyhd
  Replies (5) Good night (3297) Bad night (575)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning http://tfl.nu/vjbm
  Replies (7) Good night (3050) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (912): View more from Georgia

  Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (912): Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :) http://tfl.nu/vv81
  Replies (8) Good night (1573) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ... http://tfl.nu/nc8q
  Replies (19) Good night (2002) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory. http://tfl.nu/fp19
  Replies (6) Good night (705) Bad night (1746) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night. http://tfl.nu/52m5
  Replies (13) Good night (1397) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's. http://tfl.nu/a874
  Replies (6) Good night (2731) Bad night (479)
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there. http://tfl.nu/knxy
  Replies (11) Good night (3273) Bad night (531) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything. http://tfl.nu/u3ar
  Replies (9) Good night (3863) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits. http://tfl.nu/t5fo
  Replies (6) Good night (2239) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars http://tfl.nu/qdtl
  Replies (9) Good night (1351) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either. http://tfl.nu/a1p0
  Replies (9) Good night (1828) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable http://tfl.nu/5ca2
  Replies (15) Good night (6360) Bad night (830) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep. http://tfl.nu/clzh
  Replies (4) Good night (871) Bad night (3037) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human http://tfl.nu/6fr0
  Replies (4) Good night (2351) Bad night (938) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon. http://tfl.nu/cf99
  Replies (31) Good night (8323) Bad night (2782) Order T-Shirt