Texts From Last Night · fey09's Favorites

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fey09's Favorites Texts:

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?

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(315): View more from New York

Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default

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(925): View more from California

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you

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(513): View more from Ohio

I did it again.

(513): View more from Ohio

I drunk texted John McCain.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.

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(813): View more from Florida

Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll just say I told you so at your funeral

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(718): View more from New York

Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome

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(701): View more from North Dakota

If those panties could talk.

(407): View more from Florida

"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."

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(585): View more from New York

That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS

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(585): View more from New York

All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.

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(315): View more from New York

Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.

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(406): View more from Montana

My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.

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(640): View more from

I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven

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(813): View more from Florida

His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.

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(408): View more from California

I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.

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(571): View more from Virginia

All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.

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(613): View more from Ontario

sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.

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(613): View more from Ontario

that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.

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(330): View more from Ohio

In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.

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(914): View more from New York

You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind

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(415): View more from California

I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs

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(760): View more from California

As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.

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(618): View more from Illinois

In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.

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(613): View more from Ontario

that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi

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(315): View more from New York

I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams

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(407): View more from Florida

Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??

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(507): View more from Minnesota

It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.

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(917): View more from New York City

Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early

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(425): View more from Washington

You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐

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(425): View more from Washington

We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.

Fav 6 128 15
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(815): View more from Illinois

The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana

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(720): View more from Colorado

After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?

(416): View more from Toronto

She didn't have her own?

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(720): View more from Colorado

The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake

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(417): View more from Missouri

TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.

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(440): View more from Ohio

That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings

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(250): View more from British Columbia

What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises

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(971): View more from Oregon

I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?

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(231): View more from Michigan

I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.

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(540): View more from Virginia

This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

ARE YOU OKAY?

(618): View more from Illinois

Physically? Yes. Morally? No.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.

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(315): View more from New York

They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.

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(618): View more from Illinois

That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm afraid to ask, but go on.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...

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(514): View more from Quebec

I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know

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(407): View more from Florida

There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.

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(949): View more from California

Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.

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(775): View more from Nevada

If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.

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(254): View more from Texas

I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!

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(914): View more from New York

My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.

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(847): View more from Illinois

When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i think im in europe. pls send help

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(513): View more from Ohio

I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!

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(248): View more from Michigan

On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?

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(541): View more from Oregon

My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Babe, Have you see my pants?

(718): View more from New York

Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.

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(917): View more from New York City

Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right

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(706): View more from Georgia

We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning

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(757): View more from Virginia

Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much

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(650): View more from California

What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?

(858): View more from California

Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie

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(407): View more from Florida

I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"

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(801): View more from Utah

Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.

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(207): View more from Maine

He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Good point.

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(916): View more from California

I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.

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(949): View more from California

honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.

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(450): View more from Quebec

THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE

(450): View more from Quebec

GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC

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(303): View more from Colorado

Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.

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(253): View more from Washington

I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.

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(206): View more from Washington

What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?

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(971): View more from Oregon

Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.

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(514): View more from Quebec

we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once

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(775): View more from Nevada

Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary

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(916): View more from California

All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.

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(253): View more from Washington

Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.

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(917): View more from New York City

I am available for nakedness

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(317): View more from Indiana

Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.

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(301): View more from Maryland

All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.

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(330): View more from Ohio

That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration

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(330): View more from Ohio

I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"

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(315): View more from New York

Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome

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(909): View more from California

Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.

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(585): View more from New York

I just need some of your time and all of your body.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.

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(818): View more from California

I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...

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(914): View more from New York

Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...

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(512): View more from Texas

I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things

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(419): View more from Ohio

Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night

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(253): View more from Washington

There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked

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(205): View more from Alabama

At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."

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(563): View more from Iowa

Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards

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(734): View more from Michigan

He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife

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(804): View more from Virginia

I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment

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(616): View more from Michigan

There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism

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(815): View more from Illinois

Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Why do you think she gets more guys?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love

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(701): View more from North Dakota

For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.

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(802): View more from Vermont

BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!

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(720): View more from Colorado

Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it

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(+61): View more from Australia

He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today

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(804): View more from Virginia

stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!

(402): View more from Nebraska

Maintaining the status quo.

Fav 0 81 112
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(505): View more from New Mexico

So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?

Fav 1 133 142
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.

Fav 0 154 72
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation

Fav 1 167 78
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(406): View more from Montana

It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"

Fav 2 124 86
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(058): View more from

Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?

Fav 2 159 79
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(802): View more from Vermont

Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated

Fav 1 172 81
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(402): View more from Nebraska

I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.

Fav 1 141 87
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(425): View more from Washington

I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.

Fav 0 129 105
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(845): View more from New York

I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception

Fav 0 150 79
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(813): View more from Florida

Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.

Fav 2 178 82
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(616): View more from Michigan

He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.

Fav 2 89 119
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(425): View more from Washington

I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now

Fav 0 105 95
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(740): View more from Ohio

He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."

Fav 1 194 67
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(707): View more from California

This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....

Fav 2 146 70
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(818): View more from California

One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door

Fav 0 118 69
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Help me help you realize you are a moron

Fav 0 131 70
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(847): View more from Illinois

Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.

Fav 0 118 72
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(620): View more from Kansas

I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.

Fav 0 174 56
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.

Fav 0 141 78
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(506): View more from New Brunswick

All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza

Fav 4 167 68
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.

Fav 0 155 65
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(850): View more from Florida

Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.

Fav 0 120 73
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??

Fav 2 178 90
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(630): View more from Illinois

Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.

Fav 1 106 112
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(812): View more from Indiana

It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar

(513): View more from Ohio

That's fucking great actually

Fav 0 181 100
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(313): View more from Michigan

It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.

Fav 2 105 148
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(303): View more from Colorado

My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.

Fav 2 218 79
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(975): View more from Missouri

All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."

Fav 0 180 93
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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.

Fav 0 157 122
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(804): View more from Virginia

It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike

Fav 1 162 107
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(407): View more from Florida

It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.

Fav 2 223 119
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(701): View more from North Dakota

CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.

Fav 2 95 73
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(312): View more from Illinois

It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it

Fav 0 159 81
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(408): View more from California

I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.

Fav 0 166 99
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(985): View more from Louisiana

If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.

Fav 0 180 94
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(609): View more from New Jersey

I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.

Fav 0 109 118
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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.

Fav 3 104 157
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?

Fav 1 196 102
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(519): View more from Ontario

She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.

Fav 1 114 140
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!

Fav 3 268 106
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(775): View more from Nevada

I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.

Fav 1 180 102
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(303): View more from Colorado

I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.

Fav 1 150 60
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(905): View more from Ontario

He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?

Fav 1 89 99
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(512): View more from Texas

That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you

Fav 1 203 76
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(301): View more from Maryland

I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry

Fav 0 153 56
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(785): View more from Kansas

You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.

Fav 0 177 75
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(425): View more from Washington

Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.

Fav 1 175 70
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(613): View more from Ontario

I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube

Fav 1 156 51
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial

Fav 1 178 50
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(+61): View more from Australia

Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable

Fav 0 80 135
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(304): View more from West Virginia

He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office

Fav 2 169 57
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(907): View more from Alaska

Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.

Fav 3 172 66
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(303): View more from Colorado

He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.

Fav 0 89 104
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(224): View more from Illinois

my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.

Fav 1 110 87
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(585): View more from New York

either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell

Fav 0 103 48
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(775): View more from Nevada

Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.

Fav 0 227 70
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(910): View more from North Carolina

PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy

Fav 0 127 63
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(434): View more from Virginia

If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.

Fav 2 230 93
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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back

Fav 1 157 165
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(719): View more from Colorado

if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.

Fav 0 118 136
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(773): View more from Illinois

His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.

Fav 1 226 139
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.

Fav 0 108 143
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(647): View more from Ontario

Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.

Fav 0 149 78
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(716): View more from New York

I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship

Fav 1 118 92
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(360): View more from Washington

I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.

Fav 0 110 99
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(256): View more from Alabama

Good news my life of crime finally paid off

Fav 0 176 64
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(757): View more from Virginia

We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick

Fav 2 222 71
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(816): View more from Missouri

She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Challenge accepted

Fav 1 136 148
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD

Fav 0 107 117
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(514): View more from Quebec

Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.

Fav 0 150 93
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(614): View more from Ohio

Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.

Fav 1 228 68
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(732): View more from New Jersey

Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?

Fav 2 161 132
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(813): View more from Florida

Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning

Fav 1 95 115
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome

Fav 0 129 162
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(904): View more from Florida

I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.

Fav 0 102 131
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(518): View more from New York

Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?

Fav 2 139 103
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(703): View more from Virginia

This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.

Fav 0 126 102
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(402): View more from Nebraska

I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.

Fav 2 113 100
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(248): View more from Michigan

While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.

(248): View more from Michigan

"The More You Know"

Fav 1 135 119
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(919): View more from North Carolina

I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?

Fav 2 191 94
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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.

Fav 0 119 112
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(540): View more from Virginia

It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.

Fav 1 179 44
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm like the big dick whisperer.

Fav 0 154 90
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(971): View more from Oregon

just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..

Fav 0 193 104
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(319): View more from Iowa

I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.

Fav 0 142 67
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.

Fav 2 133 76
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.

Fav 0 77 153
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(208): View more from Idaho

I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud

Fav 2 151 72
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(503): View more from Oregon

In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!

Fav 0 201 34
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(904): View more from Florida

This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.

Fav 0 135 113
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(217): View more from Illinois

Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy

Fav 3 269 105
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(630): View more from Illinois

I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.

Fav 1 159 83
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(630): View more from Illinois

Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.

Fav 4 163 185
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(720): View more from Colorado

I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months

Fav 1 180 119
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(740): View more from Ohio

I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.

Fav 1 152 151
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(609): View more from New Jersey

Your mankini haunted my dreams.

Fav 0 118 94
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(312): View more from Illinois

She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.

Fav 1 130 60
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(256): View more from Alabama

I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.

Fav 0 310 132
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(540): View more from Virginia

If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads

Fav 2 146 99
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(+61): View more from Australia

Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?

Fav 0 105 165
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(906): View more from Michigan

You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son

Fav 0 160 124
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(630): View more from Illinois

How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?

Fav 4 161 122
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(218): View more from Minnesota

Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.

Fav 0 145 95
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(330): View more from Ohio

IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT

(330): View more from Ohio

*shot. Why

Fav 2 139 91
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(910): View more from North Carolina

Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Do a rail off the baby station in my honor

Fav 0 144 147
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(707): View more from California

He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.

Fav 0 254 99
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(517): View more from Michigan

CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS

Fav 2 232 126
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(812): View more from Indiana

Just had a threesome with a married couple.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

Stop living my dream.

Fav 1 199 111
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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder

Fav 0 207 79
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(269): View more from Michigan

I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet

Fav 3 229 90
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(209): View more from California

2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?

Fav 0 141 159
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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.

Fav 1 144 123
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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.

Fav 0 166 85
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(714): View more from California

Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy

(1-714): View more from California

He wasn't prepared for it

Fav 1 137 113
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(206): View more from Washington

I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.

Fav 0 130 139
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(318): View more from Louisiana

with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday

Fav 3 169 113
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(541): View more from Oregon

I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in

Fav 0 200 94
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(806): View more from Texas

Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.

Fav 0 144 107
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.

Fav 1 191 109
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(540): View more from Virginia

BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN

Fav 0 155 128
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(512): View more from Texas

You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...

Fav 2 252 100
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(425): View more from Washington

YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.

Fav 0 179 125
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(937): View more from Ohio

That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.

Fav 1 129 287
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(803): View more from South Carolina

Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book

Fav 0 205 58
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(775): View more from Nevada

I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care

Fav 0 168 114
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji

Fav 5 168 84
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(630): View more from Illinois

At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life

Fav 1 171 108
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex

Fav 1 162 94
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(612): View more from Minnesota

YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS

Fav 1 150 70
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(423): View more from Tennessee

I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.

Fav 0 195 92
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.

Fav 1 171 101
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(917): View more from New York City

Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.

Fav 1 126 62
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(530): View more from California

He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.

Fav 0 307 76
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.

Fav 1 196 111
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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar

Fav 1 159 103
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(248): View more from Michigan

I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.

Fav 2 201 104
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(607): View more from New York

I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"

Fav 0 146 107
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(585): View more from New York

I think I'm pregnant again.

(716): View more from New York

or as we call it, thursday.

Fav 3 120 172
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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives

Fav 1 126 76
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE

Fav 1 136 72
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.

Fav 2 166 117
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(647): View more from Ontario

Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?

(226): View more from Ontario

Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?

(647): View more from Ontario

Oh definitely.

Fav 0 228 124
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(937): View more from Ohio

Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.

Fav 1 143 131
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(585): View more from New York

When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.

Fav 1 135 117
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(585): View more from New York

March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.

Fav 1 236 118
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(541): View more from Oregon

I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist

Fav 2 141 108
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm determined to sit on that face.

Fav 2 177 72
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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...

Fav 1 156 80
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(720): View more from Colorado

Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.

(303): View more from Colorado

Twice?!

Fav 0 242 95
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(+61): View more from Australia

I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect

Fav 0 172 96
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(865): View more from Tennessee

My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.

Fav 5 223 102
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...

Fav 2 195 102
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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.

Fav 1 210 109
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(520): View more from Arizona

Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.

Fav 1 204 117
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(406): View more from Montana

I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.

Fav 1 175 160
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(813): View more from Florida

My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.

Fav 0 147 126
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(973): View more from New Jersey

I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.

Fav 1 209 119
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(312): View more from Illinois

I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.

Fav 2 221 120
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(801): View more from Utah

Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.

Fav 0 160 135
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(415): View more from California

I'm just so full of love and alcohol

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.

Fav 1 190 138
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(210): View more from Texas

How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance

Fav 2 174 121
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(425): View more from Washington

THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.

Fav 1 196 99
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(206): View more from Washington

2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick

Fav 1 190 80
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(540): View more from Virginia

Oh dear. Sending much love.

(1-540): View more from Virginia

Just send a machete.

Fav 0 184 93
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(802): View more from Vermont

I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.

Fav 0 172 93
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(540): View more from Virginia

That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.

Fav 1 227 91
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(206): View more from Washington

When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...

Fav 9 404 119
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(206): View more from Washington

I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.

Fav 1 146 105
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(609): View more from New Jersey

He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."

Fav 2 348 120
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(307): View more from Wyoming

Dicks are not precious.

Fav 2 101 110
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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.

Fav 0 145 70
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(775): View more from Nevada

It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom

Fav 1 122 117
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(216): View more from Ohio

I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.

Fav 0 152 92
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(613): View more from Ontario

Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson

Fav 0 141 97
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?

Fav 0 143 79
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.

Fav 2 116 123
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(828): View more from North Carolina

Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight

Fav 0 211 104
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(304): View more from West Virginia

My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand

Fav 3 229 85
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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here

Fav 0 131 73
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(+61): View more from Australia

I need a hobby that isn't dick related

Fav 2 154 102
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(305): View more from Florida

Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?

Fav 0 202 108
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(253): View more from Washington

i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit

Fav 2 154 119
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(425): View more from Washington

If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.

Fav 0 122 105
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(540): View more from Virginia

Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.

Fav 1 184 93
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(204): View more from Manitoba

Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later

Fav 0 151 81
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(250): View more from British Columbia

Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered

Fav 1 172 125
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(425): View more from Washington

And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm

Fav 0 106 166
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(317): View more from Indiana

I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.

Fav 4 245 70
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(913): View more from Kansas

I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.

Fav 1 323 133
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(970): View more from Colorado

You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.

Fav 2 225 119
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(970): View more from Colorado

My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.

Fav 7 224 113
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(501): View more from Arkansas

Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots

Fav 1 131 139
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(816): View more from Missouri

I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.

Fav 4 287 118
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(630): View more from Illinois

Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.

Fav 0 176 96
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim

Fav 0 102 132
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours

Fav 0 219 94
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.

Fav 3 192 139
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me

Fav 1 217 96
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(336): View more from North Carolina

I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.

Fav 2 252 85
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(404): View more from Georgia

I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....

Fav 2 257 112
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(571): View more from Virginia

Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.

Fav 0 151 76
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm on the fast track to lesbian land

Fav 1 181 96
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(760): View more from California

I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce

Fav 0 232 108
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(+61): View more from Australia

I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm

Fav 0 148 106
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(586): View more from Michigan

You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.

Fav 5 192 97
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(727): View more from Florida

I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.

Fav 5 341 107
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug

Fav 0 95 141
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(765): View more from Indiana

I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.

Fav 1 159 99
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(905): View more from Ontario

I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn

Fav 1 231 107
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(386): View more from Florida

We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad

Fav 0 178 78
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(775): View more from Nevada

He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing

Fav 5 138 166
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November

Fav 4 235 92
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(269): View more from Michigan

he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants

Fav 1 144 116
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.

(774): View more from Massachusetts

You schedule blowjobs?

Fav 2 271 117
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(843): View more from South Carolina

Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.

Fav 1 150 129
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(518): View more from New York

Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?

Fav 2 209 115
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".

Fav 1 199 64
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(707): View more from California

I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.

Fav 2 294 102
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(816): View more from Missouri

OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM

Fav 0 193 103
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.

Fav 0 154 72
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(520): View more from Arizona

Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.

Fav 1 144 104
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.

Fav 3 170 95
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(641): View more from Iowa

You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.

Fav 0 86 113
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(520): View more from Arizona

Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.

Fav 2 130 154
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(416): View more from Toronto

How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?

Fav 4 248 101
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!

Fav 2 102 140
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(641): View more from Iowa

You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?

Fav 1 170 93
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(904): View more from Florida

I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to

Fav 2 670 389
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(513): View more from Ohio

My booty call just moved 2 min from my house

(1-513): View more from Ohio

This has pregnancy written all over it

Fav 1 1865 791
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(555): View more from

After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.

Fav 1 158 70
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(701): View more from North Dakota

He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down

Fav 3 226 105
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(613): View more from Ontario

I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."

Fav 0 186 83
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(425): View more from Washington

I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.

Fav 0 226 113
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(778): View more from British Columbia

Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.

Fav 0 157 109
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(253): View more from Washington

A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.

Fav 1 159 122
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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.

Fav 1 256 95
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(260): View more from Indiana

Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.

Fav 0 184 122
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(716): View more from New York

If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.

Fav 0 208 90
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(613): View more from Ontario

I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.

Fav 1 147 91
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(314): View more from Missouri

Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.

Fav 0 142 218
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(615): View more from Tennessee

Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.

Fav 1 187 80
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(503): View more from Oregon

Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.

Fav 1 283 106
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(312): View more from Illinois

I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.

Fav 1 166 86
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(804): View more from Virginia

You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.

Fav 0 232 74
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(909): View more from California

I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.

Fav 1 161 72
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(217): View more from Illinois

I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal

Fav 0 131 79
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(256): View more from Alabama

The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.

Fav 0 163 123
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(716): View more from New York

I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.

Fav 0 185 112
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(703): View more from Virginia

That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.

Fav 1 295 133
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(352): View more from Florida

To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.

Fav 0 185 77
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(864): View more from South Carolina

no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing

Fav 0 172 132
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(801): View more from Utah

If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.

Fav 3 120 181
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(312): View more from Illinois

WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING

Fav 3 197 117
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(805): View more from California

I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.

Fav 0 167 68
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(360): View more from Washington

Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?

Fav 1 135 77
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(205): View more from Alabama

At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit

Fav 0 207 92
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me

Fav 1 336 122
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(518): View more from New York

I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.

Fav 0 210 83
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(443): View more from Maryland

And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.

Fav 0 136 88
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(518): View more from New York

Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?

Fav 2 348 109
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(650): View more from California

orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god

Fav 2 134 103
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT

Fav 3 135 76
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(859): View more from Kentucky

I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!

Fav 2 187 88
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(909): View more from California

HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN

Fav 0 160 132
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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.

Fav 0 146 94
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(803): View more from South Carolina

We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.

Fav 2 219 120
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(802): View more from Vermont

Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.

Fav 1 128 129
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(208): View more from Idaho

Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.

Fav 1 236 127
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(425): View more from Washington

I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.

Fav 0 235 98
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(317): View more from Indiana

Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.

Fav 0 209 73
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(573): View more from Missouri

Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.

Fav 0 217 110
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(203): View more from Connecticut

why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER

Fav 1 155 167
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(304): View more from West Virginia

No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.

Fav 0 184 119
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(+61): View more from Australia

I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon

Fav 2 238 164
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(312): View more from Illinois

Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.

Fav 0 175 105
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(804): View more from Virginia

I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism

Fav 3 180 130
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(208): View more from Idaho

He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me

Fav 1 224 98
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(818): View more from California

I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.

Fav 1 131 150
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(413): View more from Massachusetts

We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare

Fav 0 149 129
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(860): View more from Connecticut

Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am to reach this level of casual destruction.

Fav 1 146 65
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(425): View more from Washington

Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND

Fav 0 157 136
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.

Fav 2 141 135
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(256): View more from Alabama

Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.

Fav 0 304 116
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(385): View more from Utah

That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.

Fav 0 76 172
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(949): View more from California

I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid

Fav 1 131 153
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(256): View more from Alabama

You can't die you're my only democrat family member

Fav 0 212 109
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(904): View more from Florida

She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.

Fav 0 162 125
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(+27): View more from South Africa

I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?

Fav 1 216 126
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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning

Fav 1 134 111
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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.

Fav 1 98 180
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(312): View more from Illinois

Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.

Fav 0 197 100
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(585): View more from New York

Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?

(716): View more from New York

I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.

Fav 1 250 151
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples

Fav 0 152 111
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(248): View more from Michigan

He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?

Fav 1 195 89
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(517): View more from Michigan

The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised

Fav 0 145 142
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(519): View more from Ontario

Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.

Fav 1 317 140
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(760): View more from California

We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had

Fav 1 255 120
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(802): View more from Vermont

I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.

Fav 1 251 114
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(519): View more from Ontario

My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.

Fav 0 204 93
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(808): View more from Hawaii

I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.

Fav 0 168 88
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(662): View more from Mississippi

That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.

Fav 0 99 122
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(585): View more from New York

Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.

(585): View more from New York

How long will your dick be dry?

Fav 1 152 183
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(913): View more from Kansas

I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.

Fav 1 124 100
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(512): View more from Texas

Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever

Fav 2 207 88
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap

Fav 3 240 94
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(952): View more from Minnesota

Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.

Fav 2 109 146
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.

Fav 1 176 92
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(908): View more from New Jersey

You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin

(908): View more from New Jersey

i apologize, I may have called you an iguana

(908): View more from New Jersey

Mistakes were made

Fav 0 205 81
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(765): View more from Indiana

I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️

Fav 3 221 89
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed

Fav 1 171 81
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(586): View more from Michigan

You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that

Fav 2 196 113
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(206): View more from Washington

I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.

Fav 0 120 106
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.

Fav 4 167 118
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(503): View more from Oregon

it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.

Fav 0 147 87
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(630): View more from Illinois

he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.

Fav 1 177 117
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(386): View more from Florida

Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested

Fav 0 184 86
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(860): View more from Connecticut

Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.

Fav 1 184 99
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(941): View more from Florida

If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.

Fav 2 181 113
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(504): View more from Louisiana

So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"

Fav 0 129 140
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(828): View more from North Carolina

Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.

Fav 0 156 77
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(909): View more from California

She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.

Fav 2 245 84
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(323): View more from California

I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing

Fav 0 238 92
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(937): View more from Ohio

I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.

Fav 3 200 74
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(949): View more from California

They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.

Fav 4 129 232
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(593): View more from

Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?

Fav 1 155 96
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(404): View more from Georgia

So vagazzling was a success

Fav 1 175 107
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(615): View more from Tennessee

I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.

Fav 0 178 101
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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just took acid. Wish me luck.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.

Fav 0 133 109
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(541): View more from Oregon

After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.

Fav 1 140 88
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.

Fav 1 236 76
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(636): View more from Missouri

I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"

Fav 0 176 67
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(801): View more from Utah

For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.

Fav 2 157 96
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(602): View more from Arizona

Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.

Fav 3 206 138
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(860): View more from Connecticut

Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now

(860): View more from Connecticut

Pray for me

Fav 2 189 86
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(716): View more from New York

New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.

Fav 0 122 115
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(716): View more from New York

Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.

Fav 1 174 82
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(505): View more from New Mexico

My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...

(480): View more from Arizona

When is the party?

Fav 3 248 89
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?

Fav 2 137 94
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong

Fav 2 214 91
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(813): View more from Florida

I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.

Fav 0 141 87
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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt

Fav 0 185 150
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(801): View more from Utah

Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.

Fav 1 230 107
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(917): View more from New York City

He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?

Fav 1 124 156
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(319): View more from Iowa

GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET

Fav 1 201 90
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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!

Fav 1 134 135
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(402): View more from Nebraska

Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?

Fav 1 190 147
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(480): View more from Arizona

Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?

Fav 4 263 160
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(850): View more from Florida

I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.

Fav 0 226 102
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(310): View more from California

If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great

Fav 1 250 110
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(561): View more from Florida

NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW

Fav 1 172 110
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?

Fav 1 163 106
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(775): View more from Nevada

We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.

Fav 0 118 237
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(908): View more from New Jersey

Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?

Fav 1 168 111
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(503): View more from Oregon

I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type

Fav 1 175 102
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?

Fav 1 148 177
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey

Fav 2 199 146
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(425): View more from Washington

The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.

Fav 1 322 124
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(253): View more from Washington

I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.

(360): View more from Washington

I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha

Fav 0 198 120
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(585): View more from New York

And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies

Fav 1 199 154
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(812): View more from Indiana

I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth

Fav 1 124 152
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(256): View more from Alabama

It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?

Fav 2 277 128
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(763): View more from Minnesota

I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut

Fav 0 228 129
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(650): View more from California

I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.

Fav 1 299 120
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.

Fav 1 140 220
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek

Fav 1 152 119
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(334): View more from Alabama

So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.

Fav 1 145 204
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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together

Fav 1 166 153
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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny

Fav 1 108 107
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(708): View more from Illinois

When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.

Fav 0 297 138
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(954): View more from Florida

What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?

Fav 2 132 209
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(406): View more from Montana

I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center

Fav 0 173 136
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(506): View more from New Brunswick

sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.

Fav 0 179 94
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(650): View more from California

Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven

Fav 0 175 82
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza

Fav 1 230 104
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(224): View more from Illinois

DICK-CITY HERE WE COME

Fav 1 143 110
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(530): View more from California

And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!

Fav 0 103 111
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(636): View more from Missouri

Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion

Fav 1 104 130
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(240): View more from Maryland

I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.

Fav 2 235 99
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(949): View more from California

Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.

(714): View more from California

That explains the way he looks at you.

Fav 1 244 119
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I would rather suck a dick or two than go there

Fav 2 169 140
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight

Fav 1 148 96
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(996): View more from

The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant

(996): View more from

This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.

Fav 0 214 136
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(260): View more from Indiana

Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?

Fav 0 276 121
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(585): View more from New York

I think I swiped left on my soulmate

Fav 0 152 195
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I want to fling myself into the sun

Fav 2 141 91
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(256): View more from Alabama

She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.

Fav 3 253 119
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(239): View more from Florida

He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye

Fav 1 97 164
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone

Fav 1 133 111
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(256): View more from Alabama

I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.

Fav 0 180 94
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(512): View more from Texas

Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week

Fav 0 221 83
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(773): View more from Illinois

I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.

Fav 0 196 115
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(425): View more from Washington

I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.

Fav 1 167 105
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.

Fav 4 293 137
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(915): View more from Texas

I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.

Fav 2 154 126
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(503): View more from Oregon

I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.

Fav 1 259 122
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(406): View more from Montana

Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.

Fav 2 228 101
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(530): View more from California

I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.

Fav 1 231 117
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(281): View more from Texas

I take it you're alive?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.

Fav 0 166 83
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(845): View more from New York

I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit

Fav 2 207 142
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(845): View more from New York

Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school

Fav 0 160 103
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(716): View more from New York

Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.

Fav 1 167 72
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(914): View more from New York

UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.

Fav 1 212 98
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(304): View more from West Virginia

Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy

Fav 1 179 112
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(513): View more from Ohio

I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.

Fav 1 176 89
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(555): View more from

Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions

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(661): View more from California

All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.

(310): View more from California

I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.

Fav 1 297 98
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(928): View more from Arizona

I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.

Fav 1 201 120
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(415): View more from California

I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.

Fav 1 177 83
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(512): View more from Texas

I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?

Fav 1 155 105
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(559): View more from California

Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.

Fav 4 128 137
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important

Fav 2 219 76
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(607): View more from New York

Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.

Fav 2 114 114
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(716): View more from New York

You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.

Fav 0 200 74
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying

Fav 0 124 127
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(240): View more from Maryland

You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito

Fav 1 188 73
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(505): View more from New Mexico

Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.

Fav 1 180 102
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(336): View more from North Carolina

Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.

Fav 3 163 238
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked

Fav 0 146 164
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(856): View more from New Jersey

Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?

Fav 2 154 130
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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????

Fav 2 185 113
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(650): View more from California

YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS

Fav 0 164 188
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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.

Fav 0 255 109
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(480): View more from Arizona

This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say

Fav 1 124 76
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(970): View more from Colorado

Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?

(816): View more from Missouri

Regretting asking you what you were doing.

Fav 1 278 119
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(860): View more from Connecticut

I have jury duty tomorrow

(207): View more from Maine

I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.

Fav 0 156 112
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(706): View more from Georgia

& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?

Fav 3 222 86
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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm more than my video games and dildo collection

Fav 0 158 101
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(828): View more from North Carolina

I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.

Fav 1 301 120
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(386): View more from Florida

At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?

Fav 0 220 106
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.

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(205): View more from Alabama

And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.

(251): View more from Alabama

Isn't that our default mode?

Fav 1 168 146
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(248): View more from Michigan

I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.

Fav 0 218 81
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(419): View more from Ohio

They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.

(419): View more from Ohio

At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.

Fav 0 193 101
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(480): View more from Arizona

Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.

Fav 0 231 137
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(512): View more from Texas

like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies

(210): View more from Texas

THE END IS NEIGH

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am

Fav 0 193 80
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing

Fav 1 266 128
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(469): View more from Texas

Oh. So it is a cult

(702): View more from Nevada

Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.

Fav 1 216 112
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(308): View more from Nebraska

Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.

Fav 3 316 91
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(206): View more from Washington

But did u die

(206): View more from Washington

I found an onion in my purse

Fav 2 190 134
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(850): View more from Florida

The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.

Fav 1 335 123
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(561): View more from Florida

You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.

Fav 2 179 129
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(631): View more from New York

My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.

Fav 1 222 82
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(904): View more from Florida

I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?

Fav 1 206 62
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(425): View more from Washington

That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.

Fav 0 185 72
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably

Fav 5 228 147
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(585): View more from New York

You were more fun when you didn't have morals.

Fav 2 234 122
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(850): View more from Florida

Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?

Fav 1 197 112
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(248): View more from Michigan

I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.

Fav 2 132 144
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(865): View more from Tennessee

I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.

(801): View more from Utah

Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:

(865): View more from Tennessee

SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.

Fav 3 202 78
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(330): View more from Ohio

He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.

Fav 1 198 138
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics

Fav 2 231 150
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(517): View more from Michigan

You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.

Fav 1 145 107
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(505): View more from New Mexico

Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal

Fav 1 227 134
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(519): View more from Ontario

I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool

Fav 3 238 95
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?

Fav 1 158 161
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(970): View more from Colorado

Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.

Fav 0 217 134
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."

Fav 3 197 282
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(313): View more from Michigan

The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch

Fav 1 162 68
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"

Fav 4 195 87
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza

Fav 1 160 110
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(585): View more from New York

If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead

Fav 0 167 75
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(850): View more from Florida

I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity

Fav 2 196 156
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

The convent might be a nice break from real life

Fav 0 170 104
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(917): View more from New York City

Which president had the biggest dick?

(917): View more from New York City

Take your time, I'll wait

Fav 7 196 94
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(530): View more from California

Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you

Fav 5 1071 2431
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(518): View more from New York

Everclear isn't food dammit

Fav 3 150 112
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(716): View more from New York

He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.

Fav 1 377 133
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(845): View more from New York

The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite

Fav 0 186 111
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(415): View more from California

Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.

Fav 0 111 101
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(248): View more from Michigan

Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.

Fav 1 211 186
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(425): View more from Washington

Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.

Fav 2 178 78
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(970): View more from Colorado

The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.

Fav 1 161 103
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(229): View more from Georgia

Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?

Fav 2 249 121
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.

Fav 1 207 114
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(406): View more from Montana

I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian

Fav 1 204 116
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(847): View more from Illinois

If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying

Fav 0 158 137
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(727): View more from Florida

that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"

Fav 0 157 87
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

you suck at sexting

Fav 1 273 160
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(507): View more from Minnesota

He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.

Fav 0 177 99
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(205): View more from Alabama

I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.

Fav 2 141 88
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(301): View more from Maryland

I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...

Fav 2 184 86
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(936): View more from Texas

Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.

Fav 3 117 188
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(214): View more from Texas

Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?

Fav 3 218 91
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(813): View more from Florida

Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.

Fav 0 112 77
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(312): View more from Illinois

There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.

Fav 1 123 85
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(204): View more from Manitoba

carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.

Fav 0 187 102
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

A+ 👏🏼

Fav 0 206 90
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(406): View more from Montana

Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony

Fav 1 218 129
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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Fav 0 207 114
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.

Fav 0 199 113
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(502): View more from Kentucky

God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.

Fav 0 202 129
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(619): View more from California

It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.

Fav 0 186 130
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(518): View more from New York

I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.

Fav 1 284 121
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(206): View more from Washington

You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.

Fav 0 173 118
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(702): View more from Nevada

It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo

Fav 2 196 116
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(618): View more from Illinois

learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.

Fav 2 206 137
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.

Fav 0 238 112
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(630): View more from Illinois

Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own

Fav 1 226 126
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(248): View more from Michigan

I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.

Fav 1 237 108
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(904): View more from Florida

Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.

Fav 1 173 126
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(859): View more from Kentucky

... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.

Fav 1 177 67
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(620): View more from Kansas

My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..

Fav 0 171 71
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(312): View more from Illinois

She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.

Fav 1 190 102
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.

Fav 0 189 106
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.

Fav 0 166 123
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(248): View more from Michigan

How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?

Fav 0 147 125
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(301): View more from Maryland

My Sexting was not on an AP level

Fav 2 131 146
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(239): View more from Florida

Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"

Fav 0 175 96
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Stupid adulating

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash

Fav 0 146 103
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(203): View more from Connecticut

If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.

Fav 0 146 72
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?

Fav 0 275 121
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(443): View more from Maryland

Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies

Fav 0 102 72
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(253): View more from Washington

That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man

Fav 0 166 62
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(320): View more from Minnesota

I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too

Fav 1 150 81
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(207): View more from Maine

I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.

Fav 1 277 112
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(843): View more from South Carolina

He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.

Fav 0 179 131
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(616): View more from Michigan

If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.

Fav 2 285 84
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(218): View more from Minnesota

You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.

Fav 1 161 131
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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying

Fav 0 122 156
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(831): View more from California

He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.

Fav 1 239 88
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year

Fav 1 143 231
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(712): View more from Iowa

man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high

Fav 0 181 120
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(602): View more from Arizona

why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan

(712): View more from Iowa

the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?

Fav 1 308 127
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(310): View more from California

Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.

(310): View more from California

Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.

Fav 1 173 96
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(720): View more from Colorado

I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.

(303): View more from Colorado

yea...tonic water is fucking gross.

Fav 0 164 84
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(706): View more from Georgia

This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders

Fav 0 137 87
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(407): View more from Florida

I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.

Fav 1 315 132
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.

Fav 1 176 97
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(314): View more from Missouri

You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.

Fav 0 173 93
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(705): View more from Ontario

Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.

Fav 0 328 186
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(423): View more from Tennessee

And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie

Fav 2 205 288
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(705): View more from Ontario

They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride

Fav 3 599 204
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(651): View more from Minnesota

mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."

Fav 3 387 202
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(615): View more from Tennessee

Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?

Fav 4 316 254
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(541): View more from Oregon

We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.

Fav 1 473 183
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard

Fav 1 491 182
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(312): View more from Illinois

Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"

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(614): View more from Ohio

My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.

Fav 1 332 241
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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul

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(813): View more from Florida

I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.

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(917): View more from New York City

I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.

Fav 2 556 190
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(613): View more from Ontario

i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick

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(208): View more from Idaho

Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.

Fav 4 397 211
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(425): View more from Washington

I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?

Fav 4 473 178
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(630): View more from Illinois

We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.

Fav 3 381 212
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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.

(217): View more from Illinois

Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever

Fav 1 290 328
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(630): View more from Illinois

I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.

Fav 2 283 198
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(908): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure

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(972): View more from Texas

If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.

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(972): View more from Texas

There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.

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(420): View more from

Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

How did you tell her we met?

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though

Fav 0 362 177
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.

Fav 1 444 175
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(757): View more from Virginia

He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.

Fav 2 295 187
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(540): View more from Virginia

I would professionally fuck the shit out of her

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(904): View more from Florida

Rough day

(1-904): View more from Florida

Good thing I've started drinking again

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(208): View more from Idaho

She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister

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(716): View more from New York

I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single

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(425): View more from Washington

Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.

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(775): View more from Nevada

She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"

Fav 0 309 158
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(703): View more from Virginia

Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.

Fav 1 399 167
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(850): View more from Florida

Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis

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(937): View more from Ohio

That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.

Fav 2 390 210
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(330): View more from Ohio

Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap

Fav 0 321 170
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(312): View more from Illinois

Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.

Fav 0 305 128
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(785): View more from Kansas

I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.

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(613): View more from Ontario

WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.

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(303): View more from Colorado

anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?

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(705): View more from Ontario

You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...

(1-775): View more from Nevada

That's what friends are foooooooor!

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Sorry for trying to baptize you last night

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed

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(865): View more from Tennessee

We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.

Fav 7 409 171
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(785): View more from Kansas

I need to calm my uterus...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!

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(571): View more from Virginia

I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito

Fav 0 354 171
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you

Fav 3 450 173
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(330): View more from Ohio

Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.

Fav 1 277 213
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(562): View more from California

When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.

Fav 0 375 226
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(203): View more from Connecticut

Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"

Fav 0 317 168
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(410): View more from Maryland

She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit

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(585): View more from New York

holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo

Fav 4 395 167
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!

Fav 0 300 172
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(716): View more from New York

Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.

Fav 1 258 185
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(917): View more from New York City

I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.

Fav 0 277 132
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(310): View more from California

I can see your house from here

(1-310): View more from California

Get off of his fucking roof

Fav 1 384 108
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(360): View more from Washington

Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?

Fav 0 357 137
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(720): View more from Colorado

I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.

Fav 2 359 111
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(708): View more from Illinois

YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!

Fav 1 148 238
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(312): View more from Illinois

We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.

Fav 0 327 241
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?

Fav 1 427 121
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(512): View more from Texas

I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.

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(678): View more from Georgia

literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess

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(518): View more from New York

He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him

Fav 0 412 127
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(520): View more from Arizona

I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately

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(802): View more from Vermont

Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!

Fav 2 314 192
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(612): View more from Minnesota

A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.

Fav 0 293 190
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(720): View more from Colorado

I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.

Fav 1 202 326
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.

Fav 0 296 165
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(850): View more from Florida

Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body

Fav 1 286 185
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.

Fav 0 360 134
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on

Fav 9 630 130
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.

Fav 1 246 178
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you

Fav 1 345 107
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(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning

(248): View more from Michigan

Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing

Fav 0 530 131
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(847): View more from Illinois

Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.

Fav 1 297 183
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(517): View more from Michigan

I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.

Fav 0 176 366
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(239): View more from Florida

We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.

Fav 1 277 169
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(618): View more from Illinois

Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.

Fav 0 262 137
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(630): View more from Illinois

tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE

(708): View more from Illinois

to be fair she does have a great rack

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(607): View more from New York

If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

FUCK THIS BIRD

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(313): View more from Michigan

I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.

Fav 3 141 270
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(587): View more from Alberta

Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..

Fav 0 249 161
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(504): View more from Louisiana

You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.

Fav 0 289 116
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(312): View more from Illinois

I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.

Fav 0 189 303
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(727): View more from Florida

I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?

Fav 2 410 169
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(310): View more from California

I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors

Fav 1 236 173
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(813): View more from Florida

As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.

Fav 3 305 142
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(518): View more from New York

Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.

Fav 0 308 112
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(443): View more from Maryland

I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance

Fav 2 336 106
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.

Fav 1 272 165
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(618): View more from Illinois

he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock

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(614): View more from Ohio

THAT'S NOT NICE

(703): View more from Virginia

NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO

Fav 3 424 215
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(631): View more from New York

They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.

Fav 2 268 112
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(651): View more from Minnesota

Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake

Fav 4 574 143
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(813): View more from Florida

Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?

Fav 1 240 217
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(301): View more from Maryland

You told your family you're bi over the phone?!

(240): View more from Maryland

We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.

Fav 1 399 140
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(314): View more from Missouri

He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.

Fav 3 543 158
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(303): View more from Colorado

We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

You could paint cock rings as wreaths.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.

Fav 0 198 153
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(716): View more from New York

You have no concept of how high I am, do you?

Fav 0 210 111
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(765): View more from Indiana

I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.

Fav 0 191 121
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(310): View more from California

Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.

Fav 2 173 252
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(703): View more from Virginia

You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in

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(773): View more from Illinois

Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.

Fav 2 104 279
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(585): View more from New York

I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.

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(650): View more from California

it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it

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(425): View more from Washington

I made a half way decent playlist

(425): View more from Washington

Im gonna call it "hanging myself"

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(707): View more from California

i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.

Fav 0 252 110
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(203): View more from Connecticut

I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money

Fav 0 231 134
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(949): View more from California

this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity

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(586): View more from Michigan

I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.

Fav 3 446 106
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(240): View more from Maryland

Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.

Fav 0 421 139
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(419): View more from Ohio

He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.

Fav 1 215 156
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(406): View more from Montana

But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers

Fav 2 305 114
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(224): View more from Illinois

Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.

Fav 0 208 96
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(503): View more from Oregon

If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.

Fav 0 221 134
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(720): View more from Colorado

There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."

Fav 3 318 120
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(443): View more from Maryland

Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.

Fav 1 263 173
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(949): View more from California

this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho

Fav 0 290 153
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

more importantly I need two hands to eat pie

Fav 1 346 87
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(615): View more from Tennessee

Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.

Fav 0 201 147
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.

Fav 1 304 125
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(301): View more from Maryland

Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night

Fav 0 453 107
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(281): View more from Texas

I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.

Fav 0 108 240
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.

Fav 0 316 104
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(288): View more from

I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.

Fav 1 228 109
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(256): View more from Alabama

Terrible idea I love it

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(613): View more from Ontario

Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.

Fav 0 190 213
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(254): View more from Texas

Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.

Fav 0 223 97
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(312): View more from Illinois

Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??

Fav 1 101 261
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(506): View more from New Brunswick

just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on

Fav 0 205 97
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?

Fav 1 371 144
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(430): View more from Texas

If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.

Fav 1 241 122
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.

Fav 2 335 145
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Because she offered to bring a keg.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.

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(480): View more from Arizona

All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?

Fav 3 361 127
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(586): View more from Michigan

So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.

Fav 2 254 197
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(410): View more from Maryland

I hate how she's getting mean with age

(240): View more from Maryland

Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.

Fav 0 223 135
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(310): View more from California

So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.

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(248): View more from Michigan

"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."

Fav 2 246 113
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.

Fav 0 279 172
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(973): View more from New Jersey

not ubering you a puppy

Fav 1 251 152
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.

Fav 2 247 121
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(804): View more from Virginia

I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed

Fav 0 153 184
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(702): View more from Nevada

We are all done wearing pants today

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(415): View more from California

Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms

Fav 3 507 146
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(515): View more from Iowa

There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard

Fav 0 289 110
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I learned so much in Pittsburgh

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(503): View more from Oregon

Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.

Fav 1 404 149
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(937): View more from Ohio

Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.

Fav 1 181 120
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.

Fav 1 175 287
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(206): View more from Washington

too bad burritos don't cuddle back

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(+33): View more from France

Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??

Fav 0 389 57
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(479): View more from Arkansas

Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....

Fav 0 195 282
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.

Fav 3 481 118
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(302): View more from Delaware

From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.

Fav 1 303 98
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(330): View more from Ohio

So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.

Fav 2 238 126
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(519): View more from Ontario

Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life

Fav 0 278 101
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(503): View more from Oregon

Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for

Fav 1 267 166
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(586): View more from Michigan

IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009

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(330): View more from Ohio

I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.

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(646): View more from New York

She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once

Fav 2 388 85
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(904): View more from Florida

It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym

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(317): View more from Indiana

She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.

Fav 0 415 127
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(214): View more from Texas

Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse

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(928): View more from Arizona

We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.

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(518): View more from New York

He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Our lives are a motherfucking joke

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(775): View more from Nevada

It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Ladies don't puke and tell

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(510): View more from California

apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I stole an accordion from the bar

(785): View more from Kansas

Accidentally

(785): View more from Kansas

I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men

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(937): View more from Ohio

How exactly does a handjob become fancy?

(304): View more from West Virginia

Blueberry lube, and champagne.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.

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(720): View more from Colorado

We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.

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(858): View more from California

It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!

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(440): View more from Ohio

Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus

Fav 1 285 108
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(954): View more from Florida

When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks

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(630): View more from Illinois

I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..

Fav 2 199 133
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(204): View more from Manitoba

A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys

Fav 0 211 128
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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"

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(206): View more from Washington

listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you

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(207): View more from Maine

I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off

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(650): View more from California

This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos

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(801): View more from Utah

The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.

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(650): View more from California

We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.

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(917): View more from New York City

i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough

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(913): View more from Kansas

When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...

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(585): View more from New York

I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

and their significant others

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS

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(937): View more from Ohio

I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.

(925): View more from California

I'll make missing person signs.

(937): View more from Ohio

You're a good friend.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious

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(256): View more from Alabama

He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.

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(956): View more from Texas

They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times

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(716): View more from New York

I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"

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(309): View more from Illinois

I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president

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(516): View more from New York

I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.

(1-516): View more from New York

Thanks for the support, sis.

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(510): View more from California

I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.

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(509): View more from Washington

I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.

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(817): View more from Texas

But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be

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(475): View more from Connecticut

THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.

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(224): View more from Illinois

We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.

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(805): View more from California

I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/

(917): View more from New York City

It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.

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(409): View more from Texas

I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.

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(475): View more from Connecticut

And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks

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(801): View more from Utah

Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.

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(613): View more from Ontario

It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?

(475): View more from Connecticut

I'll be right over.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.

(234): View more from Ohio

... other people's boyfriends.

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(818): View more from California

That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?

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(708): View more from Illinois

my liver is dry heaving

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(475): View more from Connecticut

his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.

Fav 3 308 71
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU

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(765): View more from Indiana

2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.

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(819): View more from Quebec

Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me

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(207): View more from Maine

is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?

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(407): View more from Florida

It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.

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(516): View more from New York

Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.

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(858): View more from California

I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that

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(613): View more from Ontario

he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.

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(509): View more from Washington

I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.

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(757): View more from Virginia

So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Thanks for the bagel and the sex.

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(210): View more from Texas

Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"

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(248): View more from Michigan

My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover

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(+61): View more from Australia

I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business

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(308): View more from Nebraska

You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.

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(716): View more from New York

Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum

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(516): View more from New York

If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?

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(915): View more from Texas

Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.

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(310): View more from California

Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.

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(619): View more from California

I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.

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(678): View more from Georgia

you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs

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(516): View more from New York

My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix

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(512): View more from Texas

You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it

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(631): View more from New York

I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?

(810): View more from Michigan

Yes. Highly encouraged though.

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(954): View more from Florida

Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!

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(478): View more from Georgia

Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat

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(805): View more from California

There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it

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(804): View more from Virginia

I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.

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(904): View more from Florida

We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy

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(778): View more from British Columbia

they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.

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(281): View more from Texas

he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."

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(516): View more from New York

A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who is this?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.

(302): View more from Delaware

You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.

(865): View more from Tennessee

They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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(707): View more from California

I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.

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(925): View more from California

You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it

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(315): View more from New York

we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury

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(904): View more from Florida

Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die

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(989): View more from Michigan

I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"

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(208): View more from Idaho

Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.

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(510): View more from California

Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".

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(619): View more from California

I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.

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(734): View more from Michigan

My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

It's not too late to disappoint her you know...

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.

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(940): View more from Texas

I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.

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(916): View more from California

this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse

(1-916): View more from California

People like that make this world a better place.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed

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(248): View more from Michigan

she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant

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(845): View more from New York

You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"

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(805): View more from California

I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written

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(513): View more from Ohio

You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated

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(518): View more from New York

currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"

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(706): View more from Georgia

I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?

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(216): View more from Ohio

I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.

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(216): View more from Ohio

If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive

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(206): View more from Washington

At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.

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(937): View more from Ohio

she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks

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(347): View more from New York

I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

How are you feeling?

(435): View more from Utah

I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.

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(903): View more from Texas

You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive

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(407): View more from Florida

it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate

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(305): View more from Florida

I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape

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(513): View more from Ohio

conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often

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(503): View more from Oregon

The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?

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(949): View more from California

I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley

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(406): View more from Montana

Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.

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(812): View more from Indiana

He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.

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(804): View more from Virginia

what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that

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(712): View more from Iowa

Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.

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(845): View more from New York

My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"

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(409): View more from Texas

god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT

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(916): View more from California

I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.

Fav 4 490 291
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(530): View more from California

You have more time for sex than anyone I know.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back

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(206): View more from Washington

I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps

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(707): View more from California

Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.

Fav 10 401 876
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(518): View more from New York

If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.

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(970): View more from Colorado

It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...

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(714): View more from California

We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship

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(479): View more from Arkansas

And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again

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(801): View more from Utah

LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE

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(323): View more from California

She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog

(813): View more from Florida

I'm afraid to ask what that means

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(607): View more from New York

I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen

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(479): View more from Arkansas

he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext

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(540): View more from Virginia

Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.

Fav 0 559 390
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(778): View more from British Columbia

You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil

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(587): View more from Alberta

The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am

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(517): View more from Michigan

I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober

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(641): View more from Iowa

They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch

Fav 0 499 349
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(954): View more from Florida

Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He? As in you personified your dick?

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(636): View more from Missouri

Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!

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(727): View more from Florida

Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am

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(317): View more from Indiana

He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.

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(330): View more from Ohio

There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.

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(818): View more from California

I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit

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(624): View more from

That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...

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(308): View more from Nebraska

The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad

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(325): View more from Texas

I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.

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(456): View more from

It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak

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(727): View more from Florida

being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend

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(630): View more from Illinois

If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Two words: blizzard sex

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(626): View more from California

we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.

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(530): View more from California

People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.

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(815): View more from Illinois

best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback

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(903): View more from Texas

He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him

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(928): View more from Arizona

He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me

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(914): View more from New York

You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?

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(408): View more from California

she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her

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(713): View more from Texas

She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday

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(347): View more from New York

You blew him?!?!

(201): View more from New Jersey

*Am blowing

(201): View more from New Jersey

And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.

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(407): View more from Florida

We can't do acid Disneyworld.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.

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(561): View more from Florida

Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"

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(530): View more from California

Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.

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(989): View more from Michigan

She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho

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(613): View more from Ontario

Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch

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(602): View more from Arizona

How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Eat your greens and take your tequila shots

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(775): View more from Nevada

He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...

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(495): View more from

you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation

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(678): View more from Georgia

By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.

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(305): View more from Florida

Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.

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(817): View more from Texas

I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.

(682): View more from Texas

Congrats, you're all grown up now.

(817): View more from Texas

I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY

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(315): View more from New York

Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.

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(941): View more from Florida

It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

(1-941): View more from Florida

Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere

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(636): View more from Missouri

You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased

(314): View more from Missouri

Please be lying.

(636): View more from Missouri

Im not. Your family was creeped out

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature

(804): View more from Virginia

that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw

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(516): View more from New York

ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe

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(240): View more from Maryland

If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

How's the hangover?

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?

(256): View more from Alabama

absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?

(469): View more from Texas

I still had a cough. It only makes sense

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(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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(213): View more from California

I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?

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(317): View more from Indiana

IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.

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(718): View more from New York

Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(514): View more from Quebec

MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'

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(512): View more from Texas

We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(213): View more from California

She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.

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(315): View more from New York

Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.

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(408): View more from California

My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.

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