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A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I think I sprained my soul last night
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
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