walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So many bounce houses so little time
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
My thoughts exactly.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.