So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
ok i will unlock the door
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm in love with you.
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
In America we eat man semen.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...