his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
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I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Less talking, more tequila
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i would punch a child for taco bell
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.