he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
we're making bets on your personal life
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down