You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
