The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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