you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She said her name was "party"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.