headdonkey's Favorites Texts:

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  (845): View more from New York

  it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we

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  (845): it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we http://tfl.nu/wm4n
  Replies (11) Good night (3723) Bad night (862) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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  (870): He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed." http://tfl.nu/z9xx
  Replies (11) Good night (6853) Bad night (1350) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

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  (443): There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic. http://tfl.nu/18x8
  Replies (31) Good night (1231) Bad night (4897) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently

  (540): View more from Virginia

  and skipped dinner

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  (540): 3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently (540): and skipped dinner http://tfl.nu/igda
  Replies (22) Good night (1051) Bad night (4423)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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  (503): I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too. http://tfl.nu/16uc
  Replies (23) Good night (7105) Bad night (939) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.

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  (650): Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila. http://tfl.nu/lwvd
  Replies (12) Good night (4356) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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  (571): i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things http://tfl.nu/ommx
  Replies (30) Good night (2027) Bad night (3665) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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  (604): Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub. http://tfl.nu/91f9
  Replies (20) Good night (5416) Bad night (922) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

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  (541): I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad? http://tfl.nu/iz9x
  Replies (11) Good night (3733) Bad night (1487)
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  (925): View more from California

  Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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  (925): Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you. http://tfl.nu/15wm
  Replies (19) Good night (6252) Bad night (902)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job

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  (651): I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job http://tfl.nu/40rf
  Replies (62) Good night (6415) Bad night (1829) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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  (413): Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW" http://tfl.nu/hdte
  Replies (28) Good night (6632) Bad night (1162) Order T-Shirt
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  (786): View more from Florida

  He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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  (786): He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets." http://tfl.nu/13ll
  Replies (17) Good night (7427) Bad night (1022)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.

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  (215): you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger. http://tfl.nu/jxnv
  Replies (16) Good night (3362) Bad night (3683) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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  (765): She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed http://tfl.nu/bbsg
  Replies (18) Good night (1692) Bad night (3892) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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  (609): His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me. http://tfl.nu/x400
  Replies (36) Good night (1080) Bad night (8353) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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  (972): The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way http://tfl.nu/ldbl
  Replies (22) Good night (5052) Bad night (1328) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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  (305): After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it. http://tfl.nu/d686
  Replies (31) Good night (5124) Bad night (1196) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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  (801): So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away http://tfl.nu/h2fc
  Replies (11) Good night (5158) Bad night (909) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  it's great music for shaving your balls

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  (850): it's great music for shaving your balls http://tfl.nu/etrw
  Replies (25) Good night (3725) Bad night (1579) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

  (1-940): View more from Texas

  I don't have a cat..?

  (940): View more from Texas

  Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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  (940): Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night (1-940): I don't have a cat..? (940): Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge. http://tfl.nu/uym0
  Replies (13) Good night (1411) Bad night (5029)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  there were a lot.

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  (918): thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am... (1-918): there were a lot. http://tfl.nu/x7ld
  Replies (29) Good night (6329) Bad night (882) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

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  (408): if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place http://tfl.nu/15wd
  Replies (33) Good night (5886) Bad night (1231) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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  (513): she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead." http://tfl.nu/j1dy
  Replies (34) Good night (5257) Bad night (1164) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.

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  (727): i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/7vie
  Replies (27) Good night (3453) Bad night (886) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving

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  (512): i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving http://tfl.nu/xstl
  Replies (19) Good night (1062) Bad night (3565) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

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  (760): Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom... http://tfl.nu/f7p5
  Replies (18) Good night (1288) Bad night (6153) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

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  (816): It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea http://tfl.nu/zoej
  Replies (60) Good night (3057) Bad night (8388) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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  (732): she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love http://tfl.nu/knwu
  Replies (35) Good night (12254) Bad night (1053) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.

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  (978): Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either. http://tfl.nu/z8zq
  Replies (25) Good night (1577) Bad night (3229) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

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  (832): You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry http://tfl.nu/vuqf
  Replies (21) Good night (1750) Bad night (4457) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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  (512): and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through http://tfl.nu/6tx9
  Replies (14) Good night (5233) Bad night (770) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  dude how high are you right now?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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  (256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc
  Replies (40) Good night (11521) Bad night (1102)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

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  (314): i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him http://tfl.nu/pw5n
  Replies (36) Good night (7150) Bad night (1880) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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  (570): you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her http://tfl.nu/jaz5
  Replies (39) Good night (8377) Bad night (1238) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did

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  (207): her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did http://tfl.nu/hfoj
  Replies (21) Good night (5135) Bad night (1947) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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  (860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance. http://tfl.nu/1cpz
  Replies (16) Good night (8202) Bad night (1125) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  You make shower sex sound like waterboarding

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  (408): You make shower sex sound like waterboarding http://tfl.nu/cy83
  Replies (28) Good night (3348) Bad night (2481) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3

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  (403): Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3 http://tfl.nu/lt38
  Replies (20) Good night (1670) Bad night (3528) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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  (609): just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public.... http://tfl.nu/rq3r
  Replies (24) Good night (7228) Bad night (1628)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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  (501): Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog. http://tfl.nu/8mg1
  Replies (18) Good night (10016) Bad night (1649) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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  (509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw
  Replies (14) Good night (1271) Bad night (5459) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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  (847): i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen. http://tfl.nu/1m72
  Replies (47) Good night (11511) Bad night (2161) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.

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  (406): he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me. http://tfl.nu/3m0w
  Replies (20) Good night (1363) Bad night (6567) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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  (508): she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it. http://tfl.nu/mcxs
  Replies (38) Good night (1457) Bad night (7051) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.

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  (914): This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive. http://tfl.nu/c66s
  Replies (11) Good night (933) Bad night (3860) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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  (609): It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years http://tfl.nu/cjjj
  Replies (27) Good night (8384) Bad night (1499)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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  (617): He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up. http://tfl.nu/h2lf
  Replies (23) Good night (8035) Bad night (4802) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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  (203): we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint (203): i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you http://tfl.nu/509n
  Replies (10) Good night (5103) Bad night (977)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.

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  (713): We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love. http://tfl.nu/9dmy
  Replies (37) Good night (4816) Bad night (2701) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
  Replies (87) Good night (14307) Bad night (2665) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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  (845): Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents. http://tfl.nu/6leg
  Replies (33) Good night (10664) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

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  (309): I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time (1-309): I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating http://tfl.nu/74eg
  Replies (21) Good night (4843) Bad night (1152) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.

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  (330): I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies. http://tfl.nu/hccw
  Replies (9) Good night (931) Bad night (3318) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  Best pick-up line ever!

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  (806): You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck." (1-806): Best pick-up line ever! http://tfl.nu/plrf
  Replies (35) Good night (9563) Bad night (1024) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

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  (281): All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems". http://tfl.nu/zcya
  Replies (11) Good night (3631) Bad night (1271) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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  (518): i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you. (202): and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with http://tfl.nu/tq5v
  Replies (10) Good night (1459) Bad night (3265)
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell

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  (905): her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell http://tfl.nu/gvzv
  Replies (11) Good night (1067) Bad night (4857) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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  (309): why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat?? http://tfl.nu/gupl
  Replies (18) Good night (4657) Bad night (1008) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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  (412): He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up". http://tfl.nu/5shs
  Replies (39) Good night (11080) Bad night (1670)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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  (803): Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear. http://tfl.nu/2r4l
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover

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  (763): i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover http://tfl.nu/a65k
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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  (313): The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her. http://tfl.nu/8p27
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
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  (818): View more from California

  remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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  (818): remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it, (702): Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8zx
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

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  (724): Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part. http://tfl.nu/1dsi
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  (469): View more from Texas

  you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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  (469): you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator http://tfl.nu/bsby
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  his penis is PERFECT

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

  (802): View more from Vermont

  or knit it little hat

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  (802): his penis is PERFECT (802): I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm (802): or knit it little hat http://tfl.nu/4cuj
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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  (304): I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God." http://tfl.nu/1oy5
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...

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  (248): I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high... http://tfl.nu/j3oh
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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  (732): Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar http://tfl.nu/9kou
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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  (330): would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles. http://tfl.nu/usa7
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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  (904): Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is. http://tfl.nu/v4zj
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  (512): View more from Texas

  The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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  (512): The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"? http://tfl.nu/3j2r
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

  (1-352): View more from Florida

  What?

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just dont open the beer drawer.

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  (352): Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge. (1-352): What? (352): Just dont open the beer drawer. http://tfl.nu/02la
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  six.

  (904): View more from Florida

  Oh, I thought it was higher.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  No, that would be the Matt's

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  (904): Another one? Damn, how many David's is that? (1-904): six. (904): Oh, I thought it was higher. (1-904): No, that would be the Matt's http://tfl.nu/8llg
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  (206): View more from Washington

  woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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  (206): woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night http://tfl.nu/9u90
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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  (804): she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs. http://tfl.nu/jax9
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  (281): View more from Texas

  when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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  (281): when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer http://tfl.nu/c3p9
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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  (440): i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky. http://tfl.nu/4mz4
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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  (570): Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever http://tfl.nu/sgij
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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  (803): It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/hg6l
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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  (303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence. http://tfl.nu/6jog
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

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  (224): It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat' http://tfl.nu/0g9k
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.

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  (218): Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion. http://tfl.nu/1y37
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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  (832): Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank. http://tfl.nu/gxu8
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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  (802): I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do http://tfl.nu/o1hg
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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  (504): My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed. http://tfl.nu/4z6k
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey man your outta milk

  (541): View more from Oregon

  How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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  (503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

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  (203): She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday. (917): Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA. http://tfl.nu/ow5e
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

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  (856): There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened. http://tfl.nu/ncfk
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  (936): View more from Texas

  She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.

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  (936): She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while. http://tfl.nu/5c77
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

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  (608): I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs. http://tfl.nu/6w3y
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  By 8 I mean 9.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  And by 9 I mean 10.

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  (503): One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party. (503): By 8 I mean 9. (503): And by 9 I mean 10. http://tfl.nu/vux8
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  (951): View more from California

  My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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  (951): My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit. http://tfl.nu/s2aa
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.

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  (256): smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick. http://tfl.nu/bhlk
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  Well it worked

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Not the point

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  (330): The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind (1-330): Well it worked (330): Not the point http://tfl.nu/mxs7
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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  (862): Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside http://tfl.nu/iwzn
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  (716): View more from New York

  I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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  (716): I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk. http://tfl.nu/wlu8
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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  (319): How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules. http://tfl.nu/ttz2
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

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  (309): We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.' http://tfl.nu/2fkm
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.

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  (250): she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying. http://tfl.nu/nbti
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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  (905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj
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  (360): View more from Washington

  While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.

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  (360): While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever. http://tfl.nu/mdyd
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.

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  (774): I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you. http://tfl.nu/weck
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you

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  (604): it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you http://tfl.nu/0wg6
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7

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  (419): Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7 http://tfl.nu/z3hr
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ask politely.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats good enough.

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  (484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Am i fat?

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Well i wouldnt let you on top

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  (248): Am i fat? (1-248): Well i wouldnt let you on top http://tfl.nu/1yk2
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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  (219): she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade. http://tfl.nu/8ipj
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  (916): View more from California

  my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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  (916): my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out. http://tfl.nu/f1nl
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  (817): View more from Texas

  despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds

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  (817): despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds http://tfl.nu/p6zs
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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  (740): you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god http://tfl.nu/byer
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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  (937): [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight] http://tfl.nu/2cq7
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.

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  (410): I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube. (1-410): I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds. http://tfl.nu/szhm
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.

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  (843): all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies. http://tfl.nu/8ixd
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  (904): View more from Florida

  it glows. i had to have it.

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  (904): it glows. i had to have it. http://tfl.nu/ygwq
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.

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  (973): I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation. http://tfl.nu/5xqx
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  (212): View more from New York

  that's an acceptable place to lick

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  (212): that's an acceptable place to lick http://tfl.nu/6rie
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  (407): View more from Florida

  my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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  (407): my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed. http://tfl.nu/xljx
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  (347): View more from New York

  so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"

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  (347): so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?" http://tfl.nu/d8rd
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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  (618): So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in. http://tfl.nu/s63a
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.

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  (519): and by charming I mean he has a horse cock. http://tfl.nu/nr21
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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  (609): my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway. http://tfl.nu/j8p7
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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  (517): you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs. http://tfl.nu/b4sz
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..

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  (405): I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth.. http://tfl.nu/0ol0
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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  (717): This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be http://tfl.nu/0ihg
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad

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  (602): hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad http://tfl.nu/sh9o
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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  (717): I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian. http://tfl.nu/9yc5
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  (760): View more from California

  Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.

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  (760): Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin. http://tfl.nu/jqr4
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.

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  (440): she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2. http://tfl.nu/9o14
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.

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  (352): I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about. http://tfl.nu/yxic
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  (510): View more from California

  I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Are you high?

  (510): View more from California

  No. That's why it's odd

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  (510): I think I speak chipmunk. Odd. (702): Are you high? (510): No. That's why it's odd http://tfl.nu/ybok
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  (562): View more from California

  In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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  (562): In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for... http://tfl.nu/hz7t
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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  (440): Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know. http://tfl.nu/71w6
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  (381): View more from

  I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.

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  (381): I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore. http://tfl.nu/l0iw
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.

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  (757): Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you. http://tfl.nu/fb35
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

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  (804): Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday... http://tfl.nu/fzwu
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are you still giving blowjobs?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Who is this?

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  (850): Are you still giving blowjobs? (1-850): Who is this? http://tfl.nu/iq9v
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.

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  (304): I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster. http://tfl.nu/69p8
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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  (727): Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America. http://tfl.nu/b8jy
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever

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  (540): just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever http://tfl.nu/k011
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  (315): View more from New York

  The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

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  (315): The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style. http://tfl.nu/brn7
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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  (773): Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal http://tfl.nu/usjw
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i just made my gag reflex go away.

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  (336): i just made my gag reflex go away. http://tfl.nu/haya
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.

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  (404): Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating. http://tfl.nu/1th0
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  (213): View more from California

  I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.

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  (213): I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian. http://tfl.nu/zael
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision

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  (908): i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision http://tfl.nu/741x
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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  (864): you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night http://tfl.nu/m2bf
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

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  (814): I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was. http://tfl.nu/qrct
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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  (609): i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt http://tfl.nu/t4r8
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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  (860): Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal http://tfl.nu/x7fc
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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  (864): i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room http://tfl.nu/jsw5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?

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  (303): If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made? http://tfl.nu/goen
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

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  (727): Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick http://tfl.nu/5e6v
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.

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  (306): Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off. http://tfl.nu/xf2g
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude

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  (630): I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude http://tfl.nu/ede0
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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  (937): He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst? http://tfl.nu/5xe1
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  (914): View more from New York

  When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...

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  (914): When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking... http://tfl.nu/3yo6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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  (303): im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared. (1-303): that was a mass text, wasnt it? http://tfl.nu/9i1u
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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  (785): i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love. http://tfl.nu/j8m9
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you will always have a special place in my vag

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  (828): you will always have a special place in my vag http://tfl.nu/evl8
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  good thing vaginas are great cup holders

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  (717): good thing vaginas are great cup holders http://tfl.nu/j578
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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  (832): Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool. http://tfl.nu/d5dr
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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  (412): it's like her boobs came off with her bra http://tfl.nu/ua1r
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  it happened again.

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  (973): remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels? (973): it happened again. http://tfl.nu/jmjg
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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  (513): i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure. http://tfl.nu/ruyi
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.

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  (724): after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger. http://tfl.nu/1s95
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.

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  (317): The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope. http://tfl.nu/lawp
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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  (970): Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier. http://tfl.nu/o9ed
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

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  (262): I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom. http://tfl.nu/hw22
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.

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  (609): We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada. http://tfl.nu/0b9c
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.

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  (808): I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils. http://tfl.nu/b8ey
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  (845): View more from New York

  She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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  (845): She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex". http://tfl.nu/cd1v
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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  (337): Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. http://tfl.nu/g9g5
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  (714): View more from California

  Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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  (714): Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare. http://tfl.nu/ceys
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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  (514): His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn. http://tfl.nu/voym
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  (516): View more from New York

  I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.

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  (516): I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay. http://tfl.nu/nx25
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.

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  (978): So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease. http://tfl.nu/08pd
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  (716): View more from New York

  You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70

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  (716): You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70 http://tfl.nu/w9g2
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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  (404): Are you still at the party or did I leave? http://tfl.nu/pph4
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  (206): View more from Washington

  at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.

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  (206): at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception. http://tfl.nu/j51s
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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  (413): In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does. http://tfl.nu/f5ii
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.

  (1-302): View more from Delaware

  he's 29.

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  (302): you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son. (1-302): he's 29. http://tfl.nu/ab19
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

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  (321): she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much. http://tfl.nu/ucje
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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  (832): you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would. http://tfl.nu/dwd2
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.

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  (520): She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes. http://tfl.nu/56a9
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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  (724): She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring. http://tfl.nu/wizw
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It usually does with you

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  (717): Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit (1-717): It usually does with you http://tfl.nu/9ly0
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  (510): View more from California

  well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

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  (510): well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it http://tfl.nu/l3dc
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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  (218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it. http://tfl.nu/dm7u
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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  (205): Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high. http://tfl.nu/wyb4
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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  (757): Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well. http://tfl.nu/ul8d
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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  (612): Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife? http://tfl.nu/rjpj
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.

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  (770): I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later. http://tfl.nu/dwy3
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  (435): View more from Utah

  She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

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  (435): She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life. http://tfl.nu/8hnp
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  (941): View more from Florida

  She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

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  (941): She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina??? http://tfl.nu/hnyt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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  (205): I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face. http://tfl.nu/ce47
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle

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  (860): i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle http://tfl.nu/gxwa
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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  (443): just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?! http://tfl.nu/h1we
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

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  (913): the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me http://tfl.nu/ze1e
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?

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  (509): Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"? http://tfl.nu/n4zp
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  Wait until you see the roof.

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  (978): Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help. (1-978): Wait until you see the roof. http://tfl.nu/itso
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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  (513): just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America http://tfl.nu/08yj
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.

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  (505): Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw. http://tfl.nu/cwfe
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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  (260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/i41h
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

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  (519): I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle. http://tfl.nu/aifz
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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  (850): Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual. http://tfl.nu/97w0
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.

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  (203): I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore. http://tfl.nu/i7wi
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.

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  (603): Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty. http://tfl.nu/d4ib
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  It's shedding

  (1-912): View more from Georgia

  I told you penises don't tan

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  (912): It's shedding (1-912): I told you penises don't tan http://tfl.nu/7fx9
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I too understand the importance of cheesy bread

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  (215): I too understand the importance of cheesy bread http://tfl.nu/p013
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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  (304): You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me. http://tfl.nu/fshf
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  wtf

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?

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  (225): wtf (1-225): I'm guessing you saw the bathroom? http://tfl.nu/q0h6
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  (916): View more from California

  i think i have herpe

  (1-916): View more from California

  just one?

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  (916): i think i have herpe (1-916): just one? http://tfl.nu/e1l6
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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  (216): My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand. http://tfl.nu/h0pi
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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  (757): hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found... http://tfl.nu/titb
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

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  (515): Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby (1-515): What the fuck were you doing at wal mart? http://tfl.nu/0ikn
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?

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  (860): do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours? http://tfl.nu/hqbo
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.

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  (815): I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value. http://tfl.nu/83po
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  (214): View more from Texas

  It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.

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  (214): It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire. http://tfl.nu/v2n0
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.

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  (440): Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic. http://tfl.nu/n8qw
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  ... about that ...

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  (440): thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok? (216): ... about that ... http://tfl.nu/8foz
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  (858): View more from California

  I like my sex mixed with concussions.

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  (858): I like my sex mixed with concussions. http://tfl.nu/qysd
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...

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  (509): I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber... http://tfl.nu/856a
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.

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  (636): It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks. (314): Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this. http://tfl.nu/u3mg
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.

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  (305): Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend. http://tfl.nu/xxmf
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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  (403): Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it. http://tfl.nu/0g8l
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.

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  (919): he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'. http://tfl.nu/h82o
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  (916): View more from California

  Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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  (916): Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool? http://tfl.nu/8wpx
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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  (815): I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire. http://tfl.nu/5e7s
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  (409): View more from Texas

  We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

  (1-409): View more from Texas

  How are you texting me from 1998?

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  (409): We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus (1-409): How are you texting me from 1998? http://tfl.nu/t1vq
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

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  (270): Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first. http://tfl.nu/qnn2
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many

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  (319): You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many http://tfl.nu/z652
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

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  (+44): according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag http://tfl.nu/idf5
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.

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  (705): It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed. http://tfl.nu/ac0o
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

  (1-312): View more from Illinois

  None of that is ok.

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  (312): Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there. (1-312): None of that is ok. http://tfl.nu/fi6r
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?

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  (817): I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding? http://tfl.nu/zuv6
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.

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  (312): just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes. http://tfl.nu/gk7e
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  (409): View more from Texas

  First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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  (409): First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance. http://tfl.nu/3lur
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch

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  (480): I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch http://tfl.nu/8f48
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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  (989): i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen http://tfl.nu/envk
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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  (765): let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment. http://tfl.nu/novi
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  (813): View more from Florida

  His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.

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  (813): His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up. http://tfl.nu/dgzw
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

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  (630): He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that? http://tfl.nu/r8k1
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  (310): View more from California

  i fucked a milf yesterday.

  (619): View more from California

  i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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  (310): i fucked a milf yesterday. (619): i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old. http://tfl.nu/l3df
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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  (303): If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns. http://tfl.nu/xebd
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (207): View more from Maine

  dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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  (207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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  (808): white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month" http://tfl.nu/8vpl
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

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  (612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home? http://tfl.nu/fztn
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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  (308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad http://tfl.nu/3y6v
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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  (571): So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder. http://tfl.nu/3ets
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

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  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  and?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  RIP clitoris

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  (609): I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there... (1-609): and? (609): RIP clitoris http://tfl.nu/1ub6
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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  (314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present. http://tfl.nu/xf6g
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.

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  (856): Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen. http://tfl.nu/fxno
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am

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  (250): They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am http://tfl.nu/0rv3
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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  (636): I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend. http://tfl.nu/x4zz
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  (949): View more from California

  I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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  (949): I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people. http://tfl.nu/vbtd
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  (858): View more from California

  Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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  (858): Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it http://tfl.nu/r7l5
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy

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  (+61): I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy http://tfl.nu/e6l2
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  (818): View more from California

  I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

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  (818): I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos. http://tfl.nu/bkr9
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.

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  (607): Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later. http://tfl.nu/om4f
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.

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  (484): It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever. http://tfl.nu/8zyq
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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  (904): Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it. http://tfl.nu/tda5
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  (845): View more from New York

  I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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  (845): I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ. http://tfl.nu/s7ef
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  (754): View more from Florida

  you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

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  (754): you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence. http://tfl.nu/syql
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  (714): View more from California

  i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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  (714): i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock http://tfl.nu/oxvs
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe

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  (203): he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe http://tfl.nu/fzk2
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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  (413): He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing. http://tfl.nu/up8v
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.

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  (630): I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night. http://tfl.nu/uyli
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

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  (206): My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'. http://tfl.nu/39kt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened

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  (216): She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened http://tfl.nu/r1vr
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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  (810): Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs http://tfl.nu/dxeo
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

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  (773): arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better http://tfl.nu/ch4v
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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  (412): Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me. http://tfl.nu/z6ig
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  Yeah, but four times?

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  (702): Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it. (1-702): Yeah, but four times? http://tfl.nu/x8r7
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.

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  (563): The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/t1x0
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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  (303): Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel. http://tfl.nu/te56
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong

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  (205): Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong http://tfl.nu/oa40
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  (518): View more from New York

  All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

  (301): View more from Maryland

  OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

  (518): View more from New York

  Doritoesssssss

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  (518): All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss (301): OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with? (518): Doritoesssssss http://tfl.nu/528p
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.

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  (216): As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks. http://tfl.nu/d4mm
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  (903): View more from Texas

  omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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  (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8
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  (+06): View more from

  it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..

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  (+06): it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever.. http://tfl.nu/huu2
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

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  (+44): Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x http://tfl.nu/rt6u
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  (917): View more from New York City

  pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

  (347): View more from New York

  I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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  (917): pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock (347): I THOUGHT I SAW YOU http://tfl.nu/jrv0
  Replies (27) Good night (13347) Bad night (1966)