Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
