hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You dont lie about slip and slides
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I cockslap morals
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.