Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
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Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.