she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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