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She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
your penis
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
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