Texts From Last Night · rockbouvier's Favorites

rockbouvier's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(865): View more from Tennessee

An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.

Fav 6 503 178
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?

(945): View more from

dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual

Fav 1 480 191
share tweet

(646): View more from New York

She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom

Fav 2 856 521
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken

(716): View more from New York

Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.

Fav 1 732 1019
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(864): View more from South Carolina

That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left

Fav 7 1490 699
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.

Fav 8 838 628
share tweet

(720): View more from Colorado

Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet

Fav 4 1398 567
share tweet

(315): View more from New York

Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk

Fav 1 1104 603
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

Fav 9 2906 890
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(205): View more from Alabama

High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

Fav 11 3024 1030
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.

Fav 12 1396 3082
share tweet

(601): View more from Mississippi

Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though

Fav 25 1814 3310
share tweet

(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

Fav 6 3547 946
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly

Fav 4 1517 845
share tweet

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

Fav 10 2391 1073
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

Fav 67 1952 9157
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

Fav 10 10105 1296
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage

Fav 5 1470 851
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

Fav 5 3378 4604
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

Fav 43 6609 1344
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.

(1-806): View more from Texas

It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.

Fav 13 2330 1173
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.

(904): View more from Florida

You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.

Fav 3 1432 826
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.

Fav 23 3086 1071
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

Fav 19 4150 1101
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.

Fav 4 702 1471
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun

Fav 9 1289 2216
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

How was your 8:30 class today?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.

Fav 1 712 1412
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

Fav 5 2139 989
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

Fav 25 3811 1075
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment

Fav 11 973 3344
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.

Fav 3 2370 814
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

(323): View more from California

If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

Fav 8 3231 1083
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.

Fav 14 1079 2929
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.

Fav 8 1140 1992
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek

Fav 5 1205 1506
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.

Fav 10 1934 1315
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me

Fav 8 1773 1202
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

FUCK YOU MAN

Fav 3 1927 976
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.

Fav 8 1864 989
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath

Fav 7 2922 854
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...

Fav 20 1196 4025
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.

Fav 9 1118 2235
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

Fav 15 5494 1621
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?

Fav 10 2008 1306
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

Fav 23 7107 1577
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.

Fav 7 1380 4435
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.

Fav 25 1946 3865
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

Fav 32 9938 2303
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now

Fav 11 4795 1278
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?

Fav 5 3489 1382
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

Fav 12 1781 4435
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

Fav 37 9675 1868
share tweet
(650): View more from California

dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king

Fav 12 5802 1350
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.

Fav 4 2466 1243
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.

Fav 4 3582 1313
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.

Fav 10 1896 2537
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.

Fav 19 1052 4928
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Fav 9 4619 1129
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.

Fav 13 1685 4855
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...

Fav 4 2718 1384
share tweet
(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

Fav 25 3954 6647
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.

Fav 9 7286 1199
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

Fav 8 5662 1470
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.

Fav 13 4063 1312
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar

Fav 6 4867 1690
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.

Fav 3 1044 4400
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'

Fav 7 2650 1263
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.

Fav 3 3035 1090
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.

Fav 5 3235 1145
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.

Fav 4 2362 1344
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

Fav 7 7338 1396
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.

Fav 2 3564 1026
share tweet
(562): View more from California

youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.

Fav 10 3316 1302
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

Fav 4 5867 1264
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.

Fav 11 3234 1987
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

Fav 6 4649 1205
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard

Fav 9 1899 3421
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila

Fav 8 2130 2767
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

Fav 3 3497 1180
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks

Fav 24 1126 7754
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...

Fav 12 1605 876
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

Fav 33 9882 1730
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

Fav 39 12256 1748
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

Fav 13 6614 1851
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

Fav 9 4856 1545
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

Fav 8 1997 4918
share tweet
(310): View more from California

She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.

Fav 12 1392 5385
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.

Fav 11 5842 1369
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

Fav 9 6493 1603
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.

Fav 8 3896 1181
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .

Fav 18 4795 1968
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

Fav 14 5613 1159
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

Fav 19 7808 1438
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

Fav 5 5358 1345
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

Fav 6 4796 1258
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I think this baby is eyeing my beer

Fav 13 5376 1553
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

Fav 18 6398 1760
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

Fav 20 3582 1576
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

Fav 6 5206 2060
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers

(440): View more from Ohio

its only a rough draft.

Fav 10 4094 1108
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

Fav 12 8565 1363
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...

Fav 13 2073 5947
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?

Fav 8 2073 4220
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup

Fav 20 1976 5756
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

Fav 167 92786 4892
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104239 6820
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115811 11194
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 131147 3910
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.

Fav 26 4390 1591
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

Fav 20 7236 1849
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

Fav 20 9897 1514
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

Fav 9 4347 1344
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

Fav 10 1350 4737
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

Fav 17 4557 1871
share tweet
(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

Fav 34 17971 2085
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

Fav 10 1791 3849
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.

Fav 19 1582 3942
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"

Fav 29 1930 5550
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

what?how do you know?

(318): View more from Louisiana

it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.

Fav 10 1617 5009
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?

Fav 10 1303 4348
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

Fav 6 5042 1413
share tweet
(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

Fav 22 7095 2087
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

Fav 15 13871 1581
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

Fav 14 7168 1605
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

Fav 26 7116 1684
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.

Fav 18 1696 4476
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

Fav 12 2098 7123
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

Fav 8 5416 2253
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

Fav 25 5165 1515
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

Fav 9 6016 1459
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

Fav 8 4696 1142
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

Fav 2 4534 1440
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.

Fav 8 3068 1260
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

Fav 15 1961 5622
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

Fav 65 21682 2536
share tweet
(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

Fav 51 6469 2597
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"

Fav 14 4469 1339
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

Fav 26 6528 4122
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

Fav 21 6286 1540
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

Fav 22 5578 1890
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.

Fav 20 5314 1200
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

Fav 310 11763 6069
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

Fav 39 16943 1855
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

Fav 43 23537 2194
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

Fav 28 7246 1799
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

Fav 38 7684 1910
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking

Fav 18 4846 1762
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

Fav 19 11269 1628
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

Fav 76 2644 7124
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

Fav 30 5501 1515
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

Fav 51 2752 14319
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

Fav 28 8039 2164
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

Fav 14 6599 2073
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

Fav 47 12196 2838
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15469 2158
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3

Fav 20 2157 4044
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just said the magic words

Fav 24 6180 1414
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

Fav 37 2138 5685
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

Fav 46 10197 1909
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...

Fav 24 1357 5618
share tweet
(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

Fav 116 6952 12712
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.

Fav 11 4693 1669
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

Fav 14 6671 1362
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.

Fav 33 2053 5385
share tweet
(714): View more from California

It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time

Fav 32 2138 5445
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"

Fav 20 1871 5870
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

Fav 32 11537 1645
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

Fav 8 6363 1343
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay

Fav 21 4177 1949
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.

Fav 9 5421 1450
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

Fav 70 13886 6041
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.

Fav 13 2261 4647
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.

Fav 16 1645 6152
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?

Fav 46 1668 8057
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

Fav 37 9340 1501
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

Fav 11 6026 1283
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting

Fav 13 3132 3202
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview

Fav 22 4276 1567
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

Fav 41 17447 2838
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

Fav 16 4306 2408
share tweet
(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

Fav 21 7587 2016
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997

Fav 34 1543 5394
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

Fav 21 6848 1611
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

Fav 16 7203 1250
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53783 3100
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

Fav 35 2256 9058
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.

Fav 27 5704 2860
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano

Fav 23 1406 6597
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

Fav 34 1966 5617
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

Fav 20 8520 2437
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.

Fav 14 4943 1389
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

Fav 12 7422 1495
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

Fav 12 6847 1283
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

Fav 25 7100 2095
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

Fav 101 10827 3425
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

Fav 27 7187 1991
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

Fav 34 2777 8582
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

Fav 25 1616 5141
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

Fav 29 6235 1765
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world

Fav 42 3477 5542
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

Fav 8 5841 1366
share tweet
(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

Fav 21 8406 1734
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

Fav 10 8803 1413
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

Fav 28 6840 1709
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

Fav 42 9032 5323
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

Fav 36 2941 5633
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

Fav 38 6262 1559
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

Fav 23 10782 1453
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

Fav 71 20508 2508
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

Fav 18 10607 1440
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.

Fav 5 1490 5932
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.

Fav 14 5165 1303
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

Fav 28 3077 12622
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

Fav 18 10501 1286
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night

Fav 24 7064 2267
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

Fav 42 10452 1816
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

Fav 14 4916 1524
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

Fav 42 12098 1496
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

Fav 49 7275 2893
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

Fav 41 6091 2068
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

Fav 33 12887 1842
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".

Fav 27 6513 1566
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.

Fav 13 1327 6222
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

Fav 25 7176 1399
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

Fav 19 8273 1363
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying

Fav 12 1244 6503
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

Fav 28 9227 1759
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

Fav 26 6800 1884
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

Fav 36 13339 1662
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

Fav 11 6364 1551
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car

Fav 9 4573 1456
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again

Fav 29 5433 1973
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins

Fav 10 1831 3378
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

Fav 20 9452 2163
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.

Fav 17 5161 1246
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

Fav 18 5490 1240
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?

Fav 20 1598 4485
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.

Fav 22 6167 1324
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.

Fav 15 5896 1506
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.

Fav 17 4509 1459
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

Fav 19 7420 2464
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

Fav 23 7710 1339
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

Fav 9 8726 1436
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

Fav 13 6880 1591
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once

Fav 9 4387 1079
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

Fav 20 8897 1669
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

Fav 13 6798 1523
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever

Fav 34 7922 1255
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

Fav 9 2358 5103
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar

Fav 21 8880 1327
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."

Fav 16 2302 4042
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.

Fav 9 3708 1124
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

Fav 28 5430 2340
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico

Fav 18 7588 1395
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

Fav 20 6191 1459
share tweet
(858): View more from California

There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

Fav 24 7904 1329
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.

Fav 35 2692 5257
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

Fav 14 6059 1110
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.

Fav 15 1316 5958
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk

Fav 18 1316 4967
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.

Fav 13 4216 1360
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins

Fav 16 4046 1508
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

Fav 31 2034 6920
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.

Fav 20 8140 1545
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

Fav 21 9193 1572
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.

Fav 19 2588 7215
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.

(573): View more from Missouri

Jealous.

Fav 9 4060 1997
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He passed out mid-signature

Fav 4 4228 1467
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

Fav 38 6662 2358
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.

Fav 17 4425 1285
share tweet
(415): View more from California

It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.

Fav 19 6277 1731
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

Fav 20 3092 4805
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

Fav 24 6213 1968
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

Fav 18 7846 1713
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

Fav 70 1561 11717
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

Fav 30 16444 2138
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

Fav 81 17403 3207
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

Fav 22 8324 1515
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

Fav 37 2725 6962
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.

Fav 44 1857 4145
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.

Fav 15 4247 1407
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

Fav 21 9898 1750
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

Fav 30 13940 1496
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

Fav 17 6084 1634
share tweet
(619): View more from California

His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.

Fav 9 4829 1554
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.

Fav 11 1551 6504
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"

Fav 19 6258 3067
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

Fav 37 11178 1818
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

Fav 29 7102 2054
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

Fav 15 6414 1580
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

Fav 15 7172 1508
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities

Fav 11 5433 1836
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...

Fav 16 1523 5603
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.

Fav 13 1697 7001
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.

Fav 11 1432 5542
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

Fav 29 9478 1522
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.

Fav 9 1197 5506
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.

Fav 19 7427 1361
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

Fav 10 6345 1202
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

Fav 25 7350 1498
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.

Fav 47 5065 1930
share tweet
(438): View more from Quebec

that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage

Fav 12 1627 4765
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.

Fav 14 6886 1605
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

Fav 37 3793 5112
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

Fav 12 9250 1995
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

Fav 20 7964 1438
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.

Fav 10 4787 1735
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.

Fav 7 4430 1334
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform

Fav 7 4934 1233
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

Fav 13 7843 1425
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

Fav 18 5430 1229
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Fav 21 11546 1661
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

Fav 134 1444 8888
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to rape someone's good day.

Fav 14 4106 1641
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning

Fav 9 3042 813
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

Fav 31 10058 1478
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

Fav 9 2373 6136
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.

Fav 18 1487 7829
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think

Fav 16 4597 3506
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing

Fav 18 1623 7129
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.

Fav 32 7275 1658
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26744 2044
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight

Fav 22 3944 1676
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.

Fav 20 5603 2338
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.

Fav 18 1640 6927
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis

Fav 19 2443 3252
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line

Fav 11 1869 5428
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

Fav 30 9519 3085
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

Fav 50 13555 1910
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

Fav 15 2378 6942
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

Fav 21 5204 2132
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

Fav 17 6219 1632
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper

Fav 48 1496 8487
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

Fav 48 6791 2264
share tweet