Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
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