Zombehhh's Favorites Texts:

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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

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  (859): I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out http://tfl.nu/qumr
  Replies (16) Good night (4763) Bad night (1061) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

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  (847): Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!" http://tfl.nu/3xo9
  Replies (10) Good night (5122) Bad night (1046) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

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  (573): You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes. http://tfl.nu/p4s9
  Replies (23) Good night (6508) Bad night (1922)
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
  Replies (50) Good night (29873) Bad night (1107)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

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  (505): the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears http://tfl.nu/h30c
  Replies (21) Good night (7140) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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  (704): I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying. http://tfl.nu/un4v
  Replies (25) Good night (1182) Bad night (9553)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ

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  (503): jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ http://tfl.nu/lpdd
  Replies (44) Good night (608) Bad night (5455)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

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  (781): I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore. http://tfl.nu/ktqn
  Replies (8) Good night (1930) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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  (806): You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito. http://tfl.nu/i4sd
  Replies (19) Good night (6357) Bad night (859) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
  Replies (55) Good night (15891) Bad night (1249)
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  (619): View more from California

  Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.

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  (619): Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser. http://tfl.nu/agjn
  Replies (33) Good night (3482) Bad night (1362) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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  (215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro http://tfl.nu/bhdm
  Replies (19) Good night (14852) Bad night (1663) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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  (518): I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you http://tfl.nu/jrvn
  Replies (20) Good night (5454) Bad night (1812)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

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  (256): do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?! http://tfl.nu/1fx5
  Replies (12) Good night (6554) Bad night (1017) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.

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  (919): its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night. http://tfl.nu/phgw
  Replies (73) Good night (8360) Bad night (1290) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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  (250): How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time? http://tfl.nu/zyvh
  Replies (30) Good night (5427) Bad night (1742) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers

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  (847): Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers http://tfl.nu/3d71
  Replies (50) Good night (896) Bad night (6146) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.

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  (513): How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region? (1-513): The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well. http://tfl.nu/bwog
  Replies (28) Good night (1547) Bad night (5398)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"

  (954): View more from Florida

  Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.

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  (954): He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?" (954): Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall. http://tfl.nu/238l
  Replies (15) Good night (609) Bad night (2750)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  the new term for farting is butt boxing.

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  (505): the new term for farting is butt boxing. http://tfl.nu/pbdi
  Replies (10) Good night (850) Bad night (1112) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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  (603): i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't. http://tfl.nu/rtpf
  Replies (12) Good night (7434) Bad night (866) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.

  (1-908): View more from New Jersey

  you should have been aborted.

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  (908): we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now. (1-908): you should have been aborted. http://tfl.nu/el6q
  Replies (19) Good night (4047) Bad night (892) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Bea Arthur died yesterday

  (240): View more from Maryland

  You shut your stupid mouth

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Betty White is next, I just know it.

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

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  (301): Bea Arthur died yesterday (240): You shut your stupid mouth (301): Betty White is next, I just know it. (240): Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next. http://tfl.nu/xn02
  Replies (20) Good night (1062) Bad night (484)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.

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  (917): I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex. http://tfl.nu/nr6p
  Replies (7) Good night (5228) Bad night (1057) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

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  (314): You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you. http://tfl.nu/ejbb
  Replies (9) Good night (7684) Bad night (774)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha

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  (702): I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha http://tfl.nu/eax7
  Replies (51) Good night (2237) Bad night (1010)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  I love milkshakes.

  (210): View more from Texas

  Not the point.

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  (210): I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat. (1-210): I love milkshakes. (210): Not the point. http://tfl.nu/tb5t
  Replies (19) Good night (5133) Bad night (1259)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.

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  (703): I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain. http://tfl.nu/pmdt
  Replies (20) Good night (5605) Bad night (885) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes

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  (516): i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes http://tfl.nu/j5p1
  Replies (24) Good night (697) Bad night (5561) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Cause it just destroys penises

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore

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  (586): Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex? (586): Cause it just destroys penises (586): Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore http://tfl.nu/7ohb
  Replies (11) Good night (824) Bad night (931)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I want to kish your cheek

  (248): View more from Michigan

  My cheeks are in Michigan

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Oh my lips are kind of stretchy

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  (301): I want to kish your cheek (248): My cheeks are in Michigan (301): Oh my lips are kind of stretchy http://tfl.nu/4fba
  Replies (4) Good night (1787) Bad night (567)
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.

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  (269): After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever. http://tfl.nu/nvrl
  Replies (19) Good night (658) Bad night (6458)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  tweet Hawks Win!! tweet

  (847): View more from Illinois

  That's how twitter works, right?

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  (847): tweet Hawks Win!! tweet (847): That's how twitter works, right? http://tfl.nu/21xu
  Replies (12) Good night (1472) Bad night (856)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.

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  (250): Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward. http://tfl.nu/w09f
  Replies (36) Good night (663) Bad night (8352) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm chasing vodka with french fries.

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  (201): I'm chasing vodka with french fries. http://tfl.nu/5e4z
  Replies (24) Good night (3037) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Something like a penis light saber.

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  (313): They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary. (313): Something like a penis light saber. http://tfl.nu/96lm
  Replies (12) Good night (2067) Bad night (470)
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  (631): View more from New York

  lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

  (1-631): View more from New York

  wow.

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  (631): lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon (1-631): wow. http://tfl.nu/6n98
  Replies (20) Good night (4570) Bad night (1371) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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  (803): some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers http://tfl.nu/iyv4
  Replies (17) Good night (8497) Bad night (918) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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  (416): I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon http://tfl.nu/5ghl
  Replies (23) Good night (7358) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...

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  (636): this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for... http://tfl.nu/dqoy
  Replies (17) Good night (4237) Bad night (579) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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  (+44): You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you http://tfl.nu/o2s0
  Replies (10) Good night (1456) Bad night (3308) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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  (303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc
  Replies (20) Good night (8760) Bad night (1205)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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  (603): You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing. http://tfl.nu/vk7w
  Replies (6) Good night (4313) Bad night (752) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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  (+61): She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/h0jn
  Replies (15) Good night (5758) Bad night (815) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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  (732): I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest http://tfl.nu/b35x
  Replies (20) Good night (5247) Bad night (1864)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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  (706): They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods http://tfl.nu/a68f
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.

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  (203): we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something. http://tfl.nu/yca0
  Replies (3) Good night (2819) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
  Replies (17) Good night (7975) Bad night (1533)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  wtf. i just found you're porn stash.

  (1-937): View more from Ohio

  u like it?

  (937): View more from Ohio

  NOT THE POINT.

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  (937): wtf. i just found you're porn stash. (1-937): u like it? (937): NOT THE POINT. http://tfl.nu/6tyf
  Replies (40) Good night (4185) Bad night (615)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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  (724): I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo. http://tfl.nu/korz
  Replies (12) Good night (7740) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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  (202): I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her. http://tfl.nu/d96s
  Replies (15) Good night (2832) Bad night (5517) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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  (864): no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job. http://tfl.nu/97jt
  Replies (18) Good night (7904) Bad night (1708) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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  (715): Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy! (218): I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head. http://tfl.nu/0svk
  Replies (29) Good night (4749) Bad night (1709)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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  (502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job. (973): I'm moving there. Get me hired. http://tfl.nu/wn7j
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  (786): View more from Florida

  He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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  (786): He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets." http://tfl.nu/13ll
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.

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  (330): I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included. http://tfl.nu/hd7g
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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  (816): I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool. http://tfl.nu/0qcg
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  (916): View more from California

  does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.

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  (916): does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind. http://tfl.nu/4b1q
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  (518): View more from New York

  he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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  (518): he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials." http://tfl.nu/vm6j
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  (972): View more from Texas

  The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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  (972): The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way http://tfl.nu/ldbl
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  (516): View more from New York

  I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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  (516): I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?" http://tfl.nu/niuk
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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  (402): Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches. (1-402): At least he's a nutritious stoner... http://tfl.nu/2qp4
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

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  (912): I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection. http://tfl.nu/273s
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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  (609): It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years http://tfl.nu/cjjj
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard

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  (708): I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard http://tfl.nu/i4gj
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

  (480): View more from Arizona

  What will that accomplish?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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  (602): We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. (480): What will that accomplish? (602): It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. http://tfl.nu/n4ns
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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  (509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance

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  (724): I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance http://tfl.nu/bc1t
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger

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  (717): He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger http://tfl.nu/u6xr
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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  (204): I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?" (1-204): you are both the best and worst wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/2hl0
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.

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  (913): his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up. http://tfl.nu/i0an
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.

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  (316): toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials. http://tfl.nu/kc0s
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.

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  (270): I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die. http://tfl.nu/gibq
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  (714): View more from California

  Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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  (714): Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare. http://tfl.nu/ceys
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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  (864): so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence. http://tfl.nu/nvim
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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  (513): i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure. http://tfl.nu/ruyi
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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  (214): She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca http://tfl.nu/k60q
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this

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  (208): this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this http://tfl.nu/vlz9
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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  (970): Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier. http://tfl.nu/o9ed
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  (415): View more from California

  fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.

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  (415): fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background. http://tfl.nu/i9c0
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  (619): View more from California

  wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh

  (1-619): View more from California

  maybe you did when you were drunk

  (619): View more from California

  no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.

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  (619): wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh (1-619): maybe you did when you were drunk (619): no way, i wasn't THAT drunk. http://tfl.nu/a663
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.

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  (443): The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of. http://tfl.nu/c44a
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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  (614): The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls. (610): A simple 'no' would have sufficed http://tfl.nu/eyzn
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."

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  (513): she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it." http://tfl.nu/fqo2
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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  (908): My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv. http://tfl.nu/oqts
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  (858): View more from California

  It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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  (858): It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain. http://tfl.nu/y8ei
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  (207): View more from Maine

  reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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  (207): reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face http://tfl.nu/zdhw
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  (818): View more from California

  His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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  (818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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  (218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it. http://tfl.nu/dm7u
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  it was like having sex with a tree stump

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  (702): it was like having sex with a tree stump http://tfl.nu/4ao5
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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  (813): Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room? http://tfl.nu/bp9i
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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  (401): Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile. http://tfl.nu/y928
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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  (301): did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right. http://tfl.nu/lg5g
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.

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  (410): you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now. http://tfl.nu/1nlv
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.

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  (770): FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot (770): Your boyfriend has good rhythm though. http://tfl.nu/p3nu
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.

  (214): View more from Texas

  kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.

  (903): View more from Texas

  I'll be there in 10

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  (903): I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem. (214): kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night. (903): I'll be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/kykh
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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  (443): just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?! http://tfl.nu/h1we
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  (323): View more from California

  No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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  (323): No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too. http://tfl.nu/d0fo
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  (949): View more from California

  I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden

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  (949) I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden http://tfl.nu/i6ve
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"

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  (847): I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it" http://tfl.nu/8m3i
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"

  (219): View more from Indiana

  I have so much to learn from you, wise slut

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  (812): Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!" (219): I have so much to learn from you, wise slut http://tfl.nu/eyww
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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  (514): you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes http://tfl.nu/cth1
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  (817): View more from Texas

  she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'

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  (817): she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!' http://tfl.nu/lcp1
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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  (773): Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom. http://tfl.nu/dmbr
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  yea ive hooked up with like half those guys

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag

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  (440): yea ive hooked up with like half those guys (1-440): and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag http://tfl.nu/9hzs
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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  (541): Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk http://tfl.nu/l5et
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.

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  (617): Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant. http://tfl.nu/y6pb
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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  (336): This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard. http://tfl.nu/5chf
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  no more hot dogs for you........

  (1-740): View more from Ohio

  fine no more vajj for you

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  (740): no more hot dogs for you........ (1-740): fine no more vajj for you http://tfl.nu/8nwe
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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  (757): Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank" (201): hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins http://tfl.nu/g5wh
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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  (765): let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment. http://tfl.nu/novi
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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  (413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way" http://tfl.nu/86gt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

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  (806): at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap. http://tfl.nu/nba1
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  (409): View more from Texas

  We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

  (1-409): View more from Texas

  How are you texting me from 1998?

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  (409): We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus (1-409): How are you texting me from 1998? http://tfl.nu/t1vq
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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  (618): It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over. http://tfl.nu/n4d4
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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  (412): Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me. http://tfl.nu/z6ig
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  did he notice?

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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  (267): we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself. (215): did he notice? (267): of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up.. http://tfl.nu/7kng
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  dying kittens.

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  (201): what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner? (1-201): dying kittens. http://tfl.nu/66tr
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  (619): View more from California

  i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

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  (619): i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus. http://tfl.nu/t4dv
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.

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  (612): Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing. http://tfl.nu/z54y
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  (831): View more from California

  I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.

  (1-831): View more from California

  stop. you already have a dog

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  (831): I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company. (1-831): stop. you already have a dog http://tfl.nu/bxqv
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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  (802): you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv. http://tfl.nu/a1rt
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.

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  (717): Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag. http://tfl.nu/8k5h
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people

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  (317): I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people http://tfl.nu/qth2
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"

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  (303): You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty" http://tfl.nu/y2bi
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  (972): View more from Texas

  P.S. I can't hear my feet

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  (972): P.S. I can't hear my feet http://tfl.nu/z4b9
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  You're 20.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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  (734): So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear. (810): You're 20. (734): IT'S BUILD A BEAR! http://tfl.nu/k2jt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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  (828): proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing. http://tfl.nu/uzza
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeeah thank god

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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  (816): So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant... (1-816): Yeeah thank god (816): Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million. http://tfl.nu/pevw
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  (805): View more from California

  Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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  (805): Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever" http://tfl.nu/wsl5
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.

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  (404): The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me. http://tfl.nu/retd
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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  (317): my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive http://tfl.nu/067t
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  How come twittering sounds sexual?

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Because of Bambi.

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  (609): How come twittering sounds sexual? (267): Because of Bambi. http://tfl.nu/cgx2
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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  (208): I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe. http://tfl.nu/02tv
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (254): View more from Texas

  our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

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  (254): our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day http://tfl.nu/vjaj
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face

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  (503): I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face http://tfl.nu/4e48
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  (909): View more from California

  The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

  (1-909): View more from California

  3?

  (909): View more from California

  Me, myself and I

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  (909): The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking. (1-909): 3? (909): Me, myself and I http://tfl.nu/gl4k
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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  (508): They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever." http://tfl.nu/4fcm
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.

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  (763): Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault. http://tfl.nu/lznh
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  (239): View more from Florida

  just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.

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  (239): just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried. http://tfl.nu/7tbj
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.

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  (404): He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic. http://tfl.nu/a5vi
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

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  (336): Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me. http://tfl.nu/79qg
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  (801): View more from Utah

  all he gave me for my birthday was sperm

  (254): View more from Texas

  at least its a homemade gift

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  (801): all he gave me for my birthday was sperm (254): at least its a homemade gift http://tfl.nu/gvzk
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  You're such a slut.

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I prefer opportunist.

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  (773): You're such a slut. (318): I prefer opportunist. http://tfl.nu/49c1
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.

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  (917): My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts. http://tfl.nu/py1e
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

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  (651): make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS. (1-651): I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much. http://tfl.nu/xzl0
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  (530): View more from California

  You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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  (530): You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger. http://tfl.nu/azyx
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra

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  (512): I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra http://tfl.nu/ayn1
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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  (480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card. http://tfl.nu/fah6
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  (585): View more from New York

  please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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  (585): please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad. http://tfl.nu/8fn1
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick

  (541): View more from Oregon

  the rest of him looks just as crooked

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  (503): I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick (541): the rest of him looks just as crooked http://tfl.nu/114k
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  (813): View more from Florida

  he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"

  (305): View more from Florida

  does that mean he doesn't last long?

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  (813): he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon" (305): does that mean he doesn't last long? http://tfl.nu/k8bo
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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  (509): I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man. http://tfl.nu/1swk
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend

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  (515): If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend http://tfl.nu/8ovo
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  (607): View more from New York

  Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..

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  (607): Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits.. http://tfl.nu/aan9
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society

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  (202): i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society http://tfl.nu/5vfp
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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  (773): I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit http://tfl.nu/6wkt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?

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  (561): So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell? http://tfl.nu/0nz8
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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  (440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

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  (630): I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons.... (1-630): which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father? http://tfl.nu/vh34
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

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  (716): I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad. http://tfl.nu/kobd
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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  (402): yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic (1-402): i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities. http://tfl.nu/psst
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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  (828): Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy. http://tfl.nu/roru
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  May it rest in peace.

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  (847): Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence. (708): May it rest in peace. http://tfl.nu/csj7
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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  (303): she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper http://tfl.nu/xl5z
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

  (231): View more from Michigan

  OMG its one we used last night

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  (231): Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing" (231): OMG its one we used last night http://tfl.nu/jpyf
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Too many margaritas?

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  (405): Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog. (321): Too many margaritas? http://tfl.nu/18gt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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  (404): I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do. http://tfl.nu/0i65
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.

  (1-647): View more from Ontario

  Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?

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  (647): 47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over. (1-647): Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead? http://tfl.nu/n8gs
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl

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  (504): He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl http://tfl.nu/0j8b
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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  (214): I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you. (1-214): that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary http://tfl.nu/469f
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  (805): View more from California

  Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I can be that talented

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  (805 ): Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters (303): I can be that talented http://tfl.nu/rub2
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...

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  (603): I forgot how few teeth there are in this state... http://tfl.nu/03va
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  (408): View more from California

  They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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  (408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald. http://tfl.nu/krtp
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  youve hit the jackpot

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  (540): she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out (803): youve hit the jackpot http://tfl.nu/tr3l
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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  (401): he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys. http://tfl.nu/w8m7
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

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  (717): You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills. http://tfl.nu/kjxm
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

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  (217): i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood. http://tfl.nu/a0o1
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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  (305): I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang". http://tfl.nu/9dw0
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  (954): View more from Florida

  you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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  (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now http://tfl.nu/39yk
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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  (405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything. http://tfl.nu/pmpx
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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  (630): My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock. http://tfl.nu/njgo
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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  (856): She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk" http://tfl.nu/d5n3
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb

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  (720): You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb http://tfl.nu/rxp6
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  (813): View more from Florida

  How am I a tease?

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

  (813): View more from Florida

  ONLY PART OF IT.

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  (813): How am I a tease? (1-813): Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away. (813): ONLY PART OF IT. http://tfl.nu/b7xa
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.

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  (215): he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out. http://tfl.nu/lwob
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  haha good one..how did you even know?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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  (404): FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night (1-404): haha good one..how did you even know? (404): we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck. http://tfl.nu/dmh7
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

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  (708): Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected. http://tfl.nu/ilck
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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  (847): he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad? (952): You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him.... http://tfl.nu/ht91
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with

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  (541): I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with http://tfl.nu/nhts
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.

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  (281): Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location. http://tfl.nu/j750
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  (801): View more from Utah

  so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

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  (801): so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me http://tfl.nu/is24
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport

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  (484): New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport http://tfl.nu/5bf4
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  (415): View more from California

  How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

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  (415): How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control? http://tfl.nu/y9i1
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.

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  (857): Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark. http://tfl.nu/cekc
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  (209): View more from California

  dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

  (1-209): View more from California

  nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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  (209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity (1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all http://tfl.nu/t93h
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  (972): View more from Texas

  The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

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  (972): The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup. http://tfl.nu/267r
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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  (303): At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends. (1-303): At about the same time you guys weren't burritos. http://tfl.nu/mxci
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.

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  (734): Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders. http://tfl.nu/udeu
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I did the walk of shame to church this morning.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  hooker boots and all?

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.

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  (313): I did the walk of shame to church this morning. (734): hooker boots and all? (313): Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway. http://tfl.nu/9ht9
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

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  (970): you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you. http://tfl.nu/kcuf
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  (760): View more from California

  Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?

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  (760): Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college? http://tfl.nu/r2e9
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  (323): View more from California

  Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.

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  (323): Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong. http://tfl.nu/sxrt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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  (816): Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned. http://tfl.nu/ygc3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.

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  (303): I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete. http://tfl.nu/q4l5
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him

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  (304): His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him http://tfl.nu/2mpu
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  (207): View more from Maine

  my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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  (207): my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility. http://tfl.nu/43su
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.

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  (413): then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man. http://tfl.nu/6mq0
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.

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  (413): I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified. http://tfl.nu/41hb
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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  (612): If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation. (1-612): Or a large amount of condoms?!? http://tfl.nu/muu8
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  what do you have against ST

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.

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  (540): what do you have against ST (1-540): DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS. http://tfl.nu/zpvl
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  (914): View more from New York

  i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"

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  (914): i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie" http://tfl.nu/2g0i
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend

  (301): View more from Maryland

  1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps

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  (240): so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend (301): 1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps http://tfl.nu/019j
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it

  (1-434): View more from Virginia

  but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text

  (434): View more from Virginia

  then give me ur phone

  (1-434): View more from Virginia

  NEVER!!

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  (434): u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it (1-434): but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text (434): then give me ur phone (1-434): NEVER!! http://tfl.nu/jzom
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  (813): View more from Florida

  y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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  (813): y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all. http://tfl.nu/2iln
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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  (248): You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/unry
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen

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  (860): I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen http://tfl.nu/pyhr
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  couldn't find a condom?

  (804): View more from Virginia

  basically

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  (804): don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you (1-804): couldn't find a condom? (804): basically http://tfl.nu/rfmp
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  (650): View more from California

  some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!

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  (650): some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel! http://tfl.nu/ztnc
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.

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  (479): How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her. http://tfl.nu/z3i9
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"

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  (201): my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that" http://tfl.nu/nqkj
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up

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  (586): Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up http://tfl.nu/mvat
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

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  (612): I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement. http://tfl.nu/3cr8
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  (585): View more from New York

  Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?

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  (585): Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF? http://tfl.nu/wdl8
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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  (412): I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on. http://tfl.nu/5fm3
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.

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  (706): hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you. http://tfl.nu/cbdu
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?

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  (601): I'm looking for sex. Do you know her? http://tfl.nu/33yl
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  story of my life.

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  (302): i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch. (484): story of my life. http://tfl.nu/5i11
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru

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  (515): took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru http://tfl.nu/806s
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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  (401): she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride. http://tfl.nu/b4k2
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  (760): View more from California

  I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

  (760): View more from California

  When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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  (760): I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex" (760): When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely." http://tfl.nu/jlap
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.

  (1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

  at least i was looking out for everybody

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  (403): You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone. (1-403): at least i was looking out for everybody http://tfl.nu/ilsz
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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  (205): you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!! http://tfl.nu/1wys
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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  (843): when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home. http://tfl.nu/096s
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

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  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

  (904): View more from Florida

  FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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  (614): Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing. (904): FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift http://tfl.nu/ws8p
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  (831): View more from California

  No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

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  (831): No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick http://tfl.nu/r1nb
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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  (513): I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me. http://tfl.nu/k06t
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  (707): View more from California

  My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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  (707): My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet." http://tfl.nu/s1m4
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  (209): View more from California

  do you want me to make hamburgers?

  (541): View more from Oregon

  i'm vegan

  (209): View more from California

  i'll put lettuce on them

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  (209): do you want me to make hamburgers? (541): i'm vegan (209): i'll put lettuce on them http://tfl.nu/hb72
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Hi

  (805): View more from California

  Babe...You're really smothering me right now

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  (425): Hi (805): Babe...You're really smothering me right now http://tfl.nu/5pqv
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  (407): View more from Florida

  sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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  (407): sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch. http://tfl.nu/v1iz
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."

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  (412): I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people." http://tfl.nu/j747
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  toast her oven

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  toast her strudel

  (248): View more from Michigan

  inspect her gadget

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  (248): toast her oven (1-248): toast her strudel (248): inspect her gadget http://tfl.nu/ri0n
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  (818): View more from California

  my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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  (818): my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you http://tfl.nu/x2i9
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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  (402): lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce (1-402): IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE. http://tfl.nu/loe7
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I felt like helen keller

  (810): View more from Michigan

  But she could have totally found that shit before me

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  (810): I felt like helen keller (810): But she could have totally found that shit before me http://tfl.nu/5p3h
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  no. you can't hotbox the world.

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  (973): no. you can't hotbox the world. http://tfl.nu/5as3
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

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  (513): I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors http://tfl.nu/2p2o
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  What did u do?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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  (540): so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn.. (1-540): What did u do? (540): turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him.. http://tfl.nu/pi8a
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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  (706): don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me. http://tfl.nu/kxxf
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  ...is it true? will i see you next weekend

  (248): View more from Michigan

  YES.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us

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  (614): ...is it true? will i see you next weekend (248): YES. (614): ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us http://tfl.nu/m1xt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.

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  (703): I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight. http://tfl.nu/7bae
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.

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  (630): I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea. http://tfl.nu/9kka
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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  (480): He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere. (602): Why would he say turtle mid-fuck? http://tfl.nu/okxi
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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  (602): So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better. http://tfl.nu/qcgw
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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  (216): i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey" http://tfl.nu/8m25
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.

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  (807): I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order. http://tfl.nu/8dgh
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  (760): View more from California

  so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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  (760): so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost? http://tfl.nu/osjc
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  What happened?....

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....

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  (304): What happened?.... (304): He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm.... http://tfl.nu/j714
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

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  (832): when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate. http://tfl.nu/63ss
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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  (519): Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit. (416): Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?! http://tfl.nu/iavy
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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  (703): so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine. http://tfl.nu/s4y5
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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  (604): I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you. http://tfl.nu/twb2
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